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First home in a relationship
Worry-Warrior
Posts: 6 Forumite
Hi everyone, I hope you're all well.
I'll just dive right in with my quandary: me and my boyfriend of four years had made the decision to look for a house some time ago. I decided that, as the relationship was long distance, I would leave my family and friends in Manchester, and move in with him and his family in South Yorkshire (it could be argued that we don't live that far apart, but neither of us drive, and it's a collective 2-3 hour journey on two trains and a tram!).
For no particular reason, however, we've only just started to save up a few months ago; I have been living with them for almost two years now.
He'd stopped mentioning looking for houses for a while - but then all of a sudden, he started getting enthusiastic about moving in together again.
But specifically, with a mortgage.
My knowledge on renting is sparse - and my knowledge on mortgages even more so! - so I appreciate anyone correcting me here.
But my understanding is that renting is a good first-time experience living together - because the commitment is low, there are less bills to pay, we don't have to pay out for repairs, and if the relationship doesn't withstand as big a change as living alone together, we would only need to give as much notice stipulated by the landlord to move out.
My boyfriend disagrees, and says a mortgage is best.
He argues that the commitment is just as big in renting as in a mortgage. He says with rented properties, you have just as many bills renting as you would with a mortgage (house insurance, contents insurance, etc, which I know is untrue), and that renting is so much more expensive per month than monthly mortgage repayments (which is true, I'll give him that).
I argued that, if we had to split up, with a mortgage it would be so much messier financially, as one of us would have to buy the other out, and be tethered with a debt. He retorted that that's exactly the same as with rent.
...Is it?...
Since I brought up the fact that I wouldn't want a mortgage for our first house together - not completely ruling out the idea for a mortgage in the future, by the way, I just don't want it for our first house - the relationship has soured. His mood/attitude towards me has been unusually reserved, and something I have never witnessed in the entire time we have been a couple.
Obviously I need to address where our relationship is going before we can make a decision on living together, but since this is the reason why the relationship has taken a turn, I can't do one without the other anyway.
So while I wait to see what happens with us, can someone please advise me/us?
Which one of us is right?
Are we both right?
And what middle ground/compromise can we come to?
Since my family and friends are so far away, I feel unsupported and lonely, and in agony over the possibility that neither of us will reach a suitable compromise. I have been crying more, and eating less. Please, please help
Some background info:
He's in full-time employment, and I am part-time; his rate of pay p/h is larger than mine; we're both in our mid-20's, no children, and no marriage planned.
I only started my job a few weeks ago, after leaving my old job that I'd had for a year, and I have a six month probationary period - so I wouldn't be considered for a mortgage for six months anyway.
We both have minor experience renting, but mine was for 10 months with five other students while at uni, and his was roughly for a year with his ex.
Neither of us have first-hand experience with a mortgage.
I'll just dive right in with my quandary: me and my boyfriend of four years had made the decision to look for a house some time ago. I decided that, as the relationship was long distance, I would leave my family and friends in Manchester, and move in with him and his family in South Yorkshire (it could be argued that we don't live that far apart, but neither of us drive, and it's a collective 2-3 hour journey on two trains and a tram!).
For no particular reason, however, we've only just started to save up a few months ago; I have been living with them for almost two years now.
He'd stopped mentioning looking for houses for a while - but then all of a sudden, he started getting enthusiastic about moving in together again.
But specifically, with a mortgage.
My knowledge on renting is sparse - and my knowledge on mortgages even more so! - so I appreciate anyone correcting me here.
But my understanding is that renting is a good first-time experience living together - because the commitment is low, there are less bills to pay, we don't have to pay out for repairs, and if the relationship doesn't withstand as big a change as living alone together, we would only need to give as much notice stipulated by the landlord to move out.
My boyfriend disagrees, and says a mortgage is best.
He argues that the commitment is just as big in renting as in a mortgage. He says with rented properties, you have just as many bills renting as you would with a mortgage (house insurance, contents insurance, etc, which I know is untrue), and that renting is so much more expensive per month than monthly mortgage repayments (which is true, I'll give him that).
I argued that, if we had to split up, with a mortgage it would be so much messier financially, as one of us would have to buy the other out, and be tethered with a debt. He retorted that that's exactly the same as with rent.
...Is it?...
Since I brought up the fact that I wouldn't want a mortgage for our first house together - not completely ruling out the idea for a mortgage in the future, by the way, I just don't want it for our first house - the relationship has soured. His mood/attitude towards me has been unusually reserved, and something I have never witnessed in the entire time we have been a couple.
Obviously I need to address where our relationship is going before we can make a decision on living together, but since this is the reason why the relationship has taken a turn, I can't do one without the other anyway.
So while I wait to see what happens with us, can someone please advise me/us?
Which one of us is right?
Are we both right?
And what middle ground/compromise can we come to?
Since my family and friends are so far away, I feel unsupported and lonely, and in agony over the possibility that neither of us will reach a suitable compromise. I have been crying more, and eating less. Please, please help
Some background info:
He's in full-time employment, and I am part-time; his rate of pay p/h is larger than mine; we're both in our mid-20's, no children, and no marriage planned.
I only started my job a few weeks ago, after leaving my old job that I'd had for a year, and I have a six month probationary period - so I wouldn't be considered for a mortgage for six months anyway.
We both have minor experience renting, but mine was for 10 months with five other students while at uni, and his was roughly for a year with his ex.
Neither of us have first-hand experience with a mortgage.
Forever a worrier; forever trying to fight the worry!
0
Comments
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I wouldn't. The commitment in renting is nowhere near as much as buying a house together!!
The fact hes sulking about it means a long term commitment with him maybe isn't for the best. Your reaction to isn't healthy either. It doesn't sound nice at all.
Why doesn't he buy a house and let you live with him? Then he gas his mortgage and you aren't as committed.0 -
Why doesn't he buy a house and let you live with him?
Surely this is the answer?
As to a mortgage being the same commitment as renting, he is completely wrong.0 -
You won't want to hear this but if your relationship is souring and you are being pushed, then it will all end miserably. Test the relationship by renting together first for a year and see how you get on. A mortgage is a massive commitment, if the relationship continues to sour, property prices continue to fall and you are stuck with a financial commitment/negative equity, you are a long way from home.
Nobody likes to question a relationship, but if you took a car out on a test drive and it made a screeching noise, would you buy the car?
Do not be railroaded into buying, wait and see how the relationship progresses. If it's turning sour now, wait until you are ten years down the line.0 -
marliepanda wrote: »I wouldn't. The commitment in renting is nowhere near as much as buying a house together!!
I'm relieved that someone agrees with me. Please can you specify how renting has less commitment?
I know it might sound painfully obvious, but I need to give him that information.marliepanda wrote: »The fact hes sulking about it means a long term commitment with him maybe isn't for the best. Your reaction to isn't healthy either. It doesn't sound nice at all.
I know, my reaction is pretty bad.
In a topsy-turvy way, I'm glad that I'm aware of my behaviour being off kilter; I've booked myself in for counselling but my first appointment isn't for another few weeks...Surely this is the answer?
As to a mortgage being the same commitment as renting, he is completely wrong.
It is a brilliant idea - and I thought it was a brilliant idea myself when I posed it to him the day of the discussion.
He went straight on to a mortgage calculator - alas, his salary alone isn't enough to net him the lowest possible loan for a mortgage.
Again, please can you specify the ways in which renting has less commitment?...
And again, sorry to sound a bit naive, but I'm new to all of this, and I would really like to supply myself with the right information.TBeckett100 wrote: »Test the relationship by renting together first for a year and see how you get on. A mortgage is a massive commitment, if the relationship continues to sour, property prices continue to fall and you are stuck with a financial commitment/negative equity, you are a long way from home.
This was exactly what I was trying to say to him. But for some reason, he believes that renting is equal to, and worse than, a mortgage.TBeckett100 wrote: »You won't want to hear this but if your relationship is souring and you are being pushed, then it will all end miserably.
I appreciate your realism; I'm not fond of sugar coating.
I don't feel as if I'm being pushed, because to be pushed would mean I had already concurred with him, and I wouldn't be in the forum digging my heels into the 'rent' argument.
But I appreciate what you're saying; that I shouldn't just go with the mortgage because he wants one.
I'm relieved that at least three of you support me, though. I've been wondering if I was the one who'd got the information wrong...Forever a worrier; forever trying to fight the worry!0 -
Its not rocket science.
Renting: You sign up for a 6/12 month lease. You hate each other. You move out at the end of the 6 or 12 months. The end.
Buying: You buy using both your salaries (as you say his isnt enough) and you have a 20 year term say. You split up. He cant buy you out, you just said his salary isnt enough. So you have to sell up.
Maybe the house has lost money and you want your initial deposit back, but you cant sell without losing money. Or No one wants to buy it. You cant move on. You cant move on with a partner and buy another house, because you're stuck in a mortgage with your ex. Who lives there whilst you try to sell? Whose house is it once you split up?
A mortgage can be a lifelong financial commitment. renting can be as short as 6 months.
I dont know how else to put it.0 -
If you rent somewhere and then split up you can give notice and move. If you buy somewhere and then split up you will have to sell the house which could take months depending on the market but all the time you are selling it you have still got to pay the mortgage so where will you live?
If you buy something together and he works full time and you work part time how are you going to work out who owns what percentage of the house? If you can't agree now what is going to happen when he is paying more towards the house because he earns more? I could get really complex and not very pleasant if you split up. The rules are different if you are not married.
Renting allows you to learn how to budget before you become responsible for all repairs as well as bills. Budgeting takes practice. When you buy a house you have to save all the time in order to pay for house maintenance. Who pays for the maintenance if you don't earn equal amounts? I can see buy a house in your situation as being a complete disaster.
You have to practice the economics of living together.0 -
Also you don't want to buy a house with him. You shouldn't need to justify your decision anymore then you already have. If he really cared about you, he would respect that decision even if it wasn't the one he wanted.
Mortgage is a lifelong commitment. Buying a house together with the man you love should make you excited and happy not miserable and lonely. Do you want to be legally bound to this man for the next 25-30 years?0 -
Sounds like a lovely guy"It is prudent when shopping for something important, not to limit yourself to Pound land/Estate Agents"
G_M/ Bowlhead99 RIP0 -
Ask your boyfriend how a 6/12 month AST is in any way shape or form the same kind of commitment as a 20+ year mortgage? I just cannot understand his logic there. To me it seems very sensible to rent together before buying particularly if neither of you have ever lived away from parents before. We see too many threads on here where couples have rushed straight into buying together and then the relationship has folded in under a year. Buying a home can be very stressful. Rent first so that you can learn to budget and run a household.
You need to pay out for more bills and insurance when you buy your home compared with renting. For example tenants only really need contents insurance. Owner-occupiers should probably have buildings insurance since it would be a joint mortgage you would probably need to look at something like life with critical illness cover because if, God forbid, something happens to one of you the property could become a real millstone round your neck. A home owner would also have to pay for maintenance and repairs. A new boiler will set you back £2k.
In short your boyfriend is talking out his hoop.0 -
Seems boyfriend wants to use you to buy a house for himself and not smart enough there are other issues with buying a house compared to just renting
That is the problem with the current culture that think buying a house is
better as 'mortgage payments' are cheaper than rent. When their stupid enough not to realise that there other costs involvement too and commitments."It is prudent when shopping for something important, not to limit yourself to Pound land/Estate Agents"
G_M/ Bowlhead99 RIP0
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