How to help a guy friend in a difficult relationship situation like this? Please help

pigpen

LiveOnce wrote: »

He says his past girlfriends and dates have all sited this issue.
.

that is 'womanese' for 'I'm not wanting to continue this relationship and this is an easy get out'

he just hasn't found the right person.. unless his mum is a total cow to any girlfriend in an attempt to see them off.

Pollycat

LiveOnce wrote: »

Hi,

Thank you for your replies.

Just to make it clear, it's his mother who lives with him, not he lives with his mother.

The reason why is because she is a single parent her whole life and raised him. She is in her mid 60's now and speaks intermediate English.

She's very hard working and works still when she should have retired, I guess she would find it quite lonley living on her own.

What can the guy do? He's paying for the mortgage of the house, bills etc in London no less so would it not be demoralising to go buy/move out of the property and look for another one again?

He feels really stuck because he wants to repay his mom for raising him and working so hard, but at the same time he thinks his mother living alone could be too much for her.

He has a decent wage but is not rich by any means.

What was the reason he didn't leave his Mum in the house she lived in and move into the house he'd bought on his own?
Why did he take her with him?

What happened to the place they lived in?

Can his Mum afford to live on her own? Would she be eligible for any benefits?

Why would he even consider moving out of the house he's paying the mortgage on?

Mojisola

LiveOnce wrote: »

He is 30 years old and an only child to a divorced mother. The mother helped raise him all by herself.

The thing is, his mother lives with him and has so all his life and he has great difficulty with women about this because of it.

He says his past girlfriends and dates have all sited this issue.

Obviously I can understand from a woman's perspective but don't know what to tell him.

Has he (or have you) got any female friends or relations who will be honest about how he (and the relationship with his mother) comes over to people?

I had a neighbour in the same situation and he didn't have a girlfriend until he was in his late 50s after his mother died but she was quite a formidable lady and didn't take kindly to anyone else having attention from him.

elsien

She's only in her mid sixties. She is still working so would appear to be physically well. She managed fine with her "intermediate English" bringing up a child as a single parent.
How come having managed independently through his childhood she's now not able to manage on her own? She may not want to, but that's not the same as can't.
Whose expectations are they, his or hers?
It doesn't mean he has to stop supporting her, but from the circumstances a described he doesn't need to be in the same house to do it if he doesn't want to be.

pigpen

Mojisola wrote: »

Has he (or have you) got any female friends or relations who will be honest about how he (and the relationship with his mother) comes over to people?

I had a neighbour in the same situation and he didn't have a girlfriend until he was in his late 50s after his mother died but she was quite a formidable lady and didn't take kindly to anyone else having attention from him.

that was why I made my comment.. OHs sister had a relationship which ended recently.. 52, lived with mumsy and she physically attacked OH's sister on a few occasions.. yes his sister is annoying but she does just want people to like her and tries way to hard there is no way she instigated any violent act.. his mother was just a nasty old lady.

yvonne13_2

Sorry, but I personally don't want to date a guy that lives with his mum. For me a relationship should be equal and if I can't go to the guys house freely like he can come to mine then I'ld rather leave it no matter how great he is.

Sorry, but dating two people isn't for me.

yvonne13_2

If your friend wants to keep the living arrangements the same then he's going to have to accept that two adult females can't live under the same roof.

Detroit

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Do they come from a culture where it's the norm for a woman to live with her eldest son and is he dating outside his culture?

This is a really good question. OP?

TBagpuss

I wondered about the cultural issues.

But in any case, I think he probably needs to think honestly about what he wants, and what his expectations are. Is he assuming that his mother will live with him for the rest of her life, and that any potential wife/partner will have to deal with that? Because that is an enormous thing to ask of anyone, particularly if they have no pre-exisiting relationship with his mother.

I think it would also be helpful for him to try to think, seriously, about how his mother comes across to any girlfriends he has had, and how he comes across in terms of how he responds to her and to girlfriends.
Is she welcoming or critical? How ready is he to be spontaneous or is everything down to when she can spare him?

Has he talked to his mum about what she wants? You've mentioned him feeling he 'owes' her (which is a bit of an issue to start with) Does SHE think he owes her? If so, why?
Has he asked her about living more independently?
Are there social or other groups she could join, perhaps with others from her country of origin, whom she could speak to in her first language.

easilydistracted

I'm in my 30s and would never consider dating someone who lived with a parent and probably wouldn't have done past about 21 or younger. I've probably got a bit of a skewed perspective on it as I left home at 16, but for me the situation is representative of a completely different lifestyle.

My partner lived with his mother for a couple of weeks while he relocated a significant distance, probably would have stayed longer if circumstances were different and has lived with her quite a bit of his adult life. Much as I love him, I wouldn't have got involved with him at that point, it would have just been completely alien to be staying in another adults house like we were teenagers. We now own a house together and I have a lovely relationship with his Mum who is fab, don't think we would have had that if I had to share her space.

The other thing is that for some men (and probably women) living with the parent is a bit like being an adult child, with their shopping and washing done and pants bought for them. I find that even more of a deal breaker. My OH was used to doing most of the stuff in the home when he lived with his Mum and is better at housekeeping than me and even irons well. So perhaps the extended period did him some good