How to help a guy friend in a difficult relationship situation like this? Please help

Lambyr

OK, that's a lot clearer.

So is it that he's giving the impression to potential girlfriend's that him and his mum are a package deal and that's scaring people off?

I don't really see much of a problem with someone who has their mother living with them in these circumstances. Some would find it quite sweet that he's a caring guy. I think the issues would only occur if it was, rightly or wrongly, implied that mother would always be around and/or perhaps around during times when a couple are trying to be a bit close.

I don't live in a particularly big house but now my mum's aware of my relationship, she gives me as much space as she can.

Like Dill says, it could be that a place with an annexe might be appropriate in the future. If he has a garage at his current place, would it be possible to look at doing a conversion if there's enough room to turn it into a self-contained flat?

fairy_lights

LiveOnce wrote: »

The reason why is because she is a single parent her whole life and raised him. She is in her mid 60's now and speaks intermediate English.

Most single parents don't expect to live with their children forever though.
Does she not have much of a social circle or any support outside of her son? Maybe she could take English classes as a way to meet some new people and find some independence?

skattykatty

He feels really stuck because he wants to repay his mom for raising him and working so hard, but at the same time he thinks his mother living alone could be too much for her.

This is stuck point isn't it?
It's his choice to 'repay' his mother in the way he feels he is repaying her.
I'm not quite sure that mothers give what they do to the children in the expectation of a payback, maybe some do. I don't know. His mum sounds independent enough if she has chosen to work beyond retirement age. But we don't know what the dynamic is between them. Maybe, in his case, being brought up in a one parent household forged an insular kind of bond and they have difficulty looking outwards for other relationships.
As for the original question, I don't think all women would be put off by it, it depends how he says it and what meaning he and she make of it really. Also, don't any women he dates have their own place? I don' think, at 30 (even older) it's unusual for one, or both, people in a relationship to live with family, especially in London.
Past girlfriends may be citing the 'mother' issue as a convenient 'get out' card when walking away from the relationship. It makes mum a kind of scapegoat so the past girlfriend doesn't have to say anything that may be more personal, either about herself or your friend.
Bottom line is: he has made the choice to have his mother live with him, so it's up to him to choose how the rest of his life takes account of this fact.

tea_lover

A single parent lives with their children when they are children, surely? Not when their in their 30s? There's nothing wrong with living with parents/family of course, and lots of situations where it's needed. But to say she lives with him because she's a single parent makes no sense.

martinthebandit

I wonder who does all the cooking and cleaning etc etc?

missbiggles1

Do they come from a culture where it's the norm for a woman to live with her eldest son and is he dating outside his culture?

hazyjo

There are many single parents in this world - most want their children to move away and live independently. I don't know any who would expect payback that their son/daughter have them live with them for the rest of their lives just because they chose to bring them into this world and be a parent to them. (Actually, I don't see why bringing him up independently deserves more 'compensation' than if she'd been in a couple. Harder job, but he shouldn't owe her more because of it!)


At some point it sounds like he's bought somewhere and asked her to move in with him. I suppose he made his bed when he asked her to move in - unless he said it was a fixed period.


He needs to make it clear that he and his mum come as a package. I imagine that's always going to prove difficult. He also needs to make it clear that he moved his mum in, not that he's still 'living at home' (if I've interpreted that right).


Jx

Andypandyboy

I think it is important to understand the dynamic here and how/why she came to live with him or ended up living with him.

Has she ever lived alone - when he was at University for example?

I think the way he presents the issue to women is key. If he lets them think (by not bringing the issue up) that he is living at home and that Mum does everything for him, many will run a mile! If he premempts the issue by explaining that he moved mum in because he was concerned for her and wanted to repay what she had done for him, then that sounds much better. He also comes out of that as a nice caring chap.

Long term it will get "worse" she is aging and may become infirm, so that is something to consider. Granny annexe would be the way forward I think and if a relationship got serious that could be mentioned.....but not upfront!!

chesky

It's the only child syndrome by the sound of it, which I remember well. The longer you leave it, the worse it's going to be. If he really, really feels that them living together is spoiling his chances of ever having a permanent relationship, then he has to decide the practicalities of how to break up with his mum, which will be not unlike a divorce. He's already left it too long in a way since she probably would have coped better at 50.

There must have been a point where he decided that his mother was no longer the head of the household and that he would assume the role. That was the time to have made those decisions - it's tougher now all round.

LannieDuck

I think some sort of granny annex may be the best solution. Or perhaps a flat/house on the same street?