How to help a guy friend in a difficult relationship situation like this? Please help

LiveOnce

Hi,

I am not sure if this is a right place to ask but hoping maybe I can get some words to say to my friend.

I have been friends with this guy for about 10 years and consider him a good solid guy.

Basically the trouble my friend seems to have is this:

He is 30 years old and an only child to a divorced mother. The mother helped raise him all by herself.

The thing is, his mother lives with him and has so all his life and he has great difficulty with women about this because of it.

He says his past girlfriends and dates have all sited this issue.

Obviously I can understand from a woman's perspective but don't know what to tell him. Is this an issue that can be worked around? He doesn't want to lie to the women on dates so is upfront about it.

He has a decent job and career, is fairly good looking and normally attracts decent women but the mother issue seems to be a major sticking for him.

He feels like he will have to sacrifice his life to his mother because he doesn't want to compromise and date some woman he's not truly attracted to just because she will be OK with his situation.

It's tough so I am not sure what to say to him.

Any ideas? The best I could do is listen to him.

BrassicWoman

he's an adult. he has chosen where to live. he'll save money but there is a cost. until he decides something else, not much will change.

is he prepared to make big changes, or does he just need an occassional moan?

maybe a neutral counsellor could help him work out what he wants? Friends are never neutral really, I would not get too involved.

When you say he is upfront - is it a thing he says on a first date? Cos on a first date it'd be too soon.. get to know people first...

elsien

It's not just because he lives with his mum. There must be other things about the relationship between son and mum that women don't like - is he putting mum first, do the girlfriends feel like mum is always in the way? Can he be an independent man or does he still act like mum's little boy?
My advice is a) be honest with himself about how his relationships are impacting on each other and b) think about moving out if mum always comes first.
Why on earth does he think he has to sacrifice himself for his mother? That's just odd.

Top_Girl

No good reason, unless the mother cannot look after herself (in which case care options should be explored) that his mother should live with him.

From the comments, it sounds like she's not a passive lodger either.

His choice to make, I'm afraid.

This from a mother who was on her own with her son for years and years, but wouldn't dream of foisting herself upon him in his adult life. Simply not how being a parent works.

System

I know someone who still lives with her mum. She's 28 and her boyfriend lives there as well. They've moved out a couple of times but always go back and have decided to stay put. I suppose its each to their own and who cares how other people see it. If someone judges him pre date just because of living with his mum, then he's probably better off without that person :beer:

nimbo

I personally would have issues with it if it were a long term thing and he wasn't willing to consider moving @@at some point@@ not straight away.

My boyfriend of 3.5 years has relocated form down south to Yorkshire and has been at his mums 3 months when we met. He stayed longer than he would have as I didn't want to get a house straight away with him nor he me. But he didn't want to sign up for a 6 month rental either. He was however willing to move out.

I'm a woman and can you imagine the first night you stay over. ** flashback to being 16**

Suuuush you might wake my mum.... For me it would kind of kill the sexy time vibes. I realise for him referring to sexy time vibes also killed the mood. Haha

Andypandyboy

Does his mother live with him or does he live with his mother?

Why does he think he cannot move out? Does his mother actively say she can't live alone or is it his perception?

Has he discussed this with her?

Lambyr

Is he a carer for his mother?

Personally speaking, I don't see too much of an issue with someone living with their mum even at 30 these days but I would expect that they wouldn't see that as a permanent arrangement - like living with your parents while you save up for your own place type of thing. No big deal there. My girlfriend currently lives with her mum at 32. That's fine, she does so because paying rent to her mum is substantially cheaper than renting her own place and she doesn't need her own place right now, so she can save up and stuff. It works for her. I know she's lived in house-shares before and she didn't really like that.

I live with my mum but I'm a carer, so I have to. My girlfriend understands this so that's all good. I wouldn't be able to get past the early stages of a relationship with a guy or a girl who couldn't accept that I do have to put my mum first here because it's a matter of my mum's safety.

Won't deny though, before my girlfriend and I got together being a carer and living with my mum (and the gradual erosion of my social life) did make things trickier, so I think to a point you kinda have to accept if you live with your parents then it may complicate things.

Re-reading though it sounds like he's living with his mum just cos he doesn't want his mum to be alone, or cos his mum doesn't want to be alone? If that's the case then it is unnecessarily complicating things and really needs to be addressed by him and his mother.

LiveOnce

Hi,

Thank you for your replies.

Just to make it clear, it's his mother who lives with him, not he lives with his mother.

The reason why is because she is a single parent her whole life and raised him. She is in her mid 60's now and speaks intermediate English.

She's very hard working and works still when she should have retired, I guess she would find it quite lonley living on her own.

What can the guy do? He's paying for the mortgage of the house, bills etc in London no less so would it not be demoralising to go buy/move out of the property and look for another one again?

He feels really stuck because he wants to repay his mom for raising him and working so hard, but at the same time he thinks his mother living alone could be too much for her.

He has a decent wage but is not rich by any means.

Pollycat

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Does his mother live with him or does he live with his mother?

Why does he think he cannot move out? Does his mother actively say she can't live alone or is it his perception?

Has he discussed this with her?

^^^^ good questions.

LiveOnce wrote: »

He is 30 years old and an only child to a divorced mother. The mother helped raise him all by herself.

The thing is, his mother lives with him and has so all his life and he has great difficulty with women about this because of it.

He says his past girlfriends and dates have all sited this issue.

What are the issues the girlfriends have raised about your friend's Mother?

What does she actually do to upset them?
e.g. does she sit on the sofa between your friend and the woman he's brought home?
Does she quiz the women to see if they are - in her opinion - good enough for her son?

Dill

The mum is dependent on him, having only intermediate-level English, so I see why he wouldn't want to leave her on her own.

Should he ever meet a woman and want to get married, I think the answer might be to get a place which has a granny-annexe.

But if it's not a very serious relationship, I don't see what the issue is. He can always stay round at the girlfriend's place..