Disappointed in "friends"

Kayalana99

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm saying this in a gentle tone ... if you make yourself ill with the stress of trying to keep up a killing pace, won't you actually have LESS time with your Dad?

Might the memories you so dearly want to "cherish" end up being a tangle of recollections of a waking nightmare?

I wish all of you well.

I do disagree with this, you should spend as much time as you want to visiting. I appreciate that people think you are over doing it but I'd want to spend as much time as possible to and if you can fit it in, why not? The situation may be stressful but visiting itself doesn't have to be.

If I was at home I'd be stressing more that they were on their own and want to be with them. I'm sure you'll ignore us about this anyway and do what is best for you.

Mojisola

tryingtocutback wrote: »

I am visiting twice a day and attempting to fit in my full time job and running the home in between.

Honestly I am just too tired to do anything else - it's taking its toll on me physically and mentally.

My father is my priority and I am totally committed to being there for him - we are a close family but I believe this is fairly normal behaviour.

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I do disagree with this, you should spend as much time as you want to visiting. I appreciate that people think you are over doing it but I'd want to spend as much time as possible to and if you can fit it in, why not? The situation may be stressful but visiting itself doesn't have to be.

My father was in hospital for several months and I started off by visiting twice a day. It soon became clear that I couldn't keep it up without getting sick myself.

We're also a close family, like tryingtocutback, so I co-ordinated with other family members and friends so that he did get visitors twice on most days but it didn't always have to be me.

It's really important for carers to pace themselves so that they are there for the long run, especially as the responsibility will probably increase when father comes home from hospital.

System

In my experience, once you say "no" a few times to invites out (for whatever reason) you stop being asked.

Probably because they know what the answer will be and save you the embarrassment of having to say no again.

However, if they are true friends the invites will start arriving when your not as stretched.

kimplus8

I'm sorry your having such a difficult time, it can be hard to feel like doing anything when you are in your situation I can imagine.
I'm sure you friends don't mean to seem disinterested, they may just not know how to be or not want to upset you by having a good time around you if you are not. ( maybe not want to rub your face in it) iyswim.
Maybe just meet up for coffer or arrange a girl evening at your place with some nibbles and a movie and not put pressure on them or yourself.
I hope you work it out :-)

vegasvisitor

I've not read all the replies, but giving them the benefit of the doubt maybe they just feel like they're giving you hassle that you have made clear you don't need (by asking you to take time out and spend it with them). Maybe they are just giving you what they think you want just now - space and time to get on with what you need to do. I'm sure they'll be glad to catch up once you have more time.

cyantist

tryingtocutback wrote: »

Thanks again everyone - I can understand the different perspectives.

What annoys me most of all is when people say "how's your dad?" but actually are not interested - they just want to say it and get it out of the way before moving on to more interesting topics (usually to do with themselves).

I could probably visit my dad less often in hospital but I don't want to. I want to cherish every single moment I can with him at this terrible time for him.

Maybe they feel guilty as well. If they've been in this situation were they visiting the person twice a day? I think this is maybe a bit too much, though in part that is because I live so far from my dad that if he was in hospital I'd be luck to be able to visit every weekend. You going so often may make them feel bad that they didn't do the same.

calleyw

visting twice a day is ott. And it will run you down very fast.

And before you say I have no idea what I am on about. my soon to ex husband was in hospital for nearly 4 months. After a stroke. I worked full time and he was in a hospital 25 miles away. So I could only visit once a day. But my day was manic, phone call from him at 7.15am. Get up and go to work. Finish at 4pm and off to the hospital. Get home at 9-10pm then do his laundry and then off to bed about midnight.

I wore myself out totally. The point is your life at the moment is just your dad and hospital. Not everyone wants to hear about it. That does sound harsh but its no different to parents who only talk about their children and nothing else. Or the friend who wont dump that waste of space boyfriend. It gets old pretty quickly and you stop getting invited out.

Your friends are inviting you out so you can have some time with out talking or thinking about it. have some fun. Life does go on. And you need to maintain a normal life as possible. Because if you don't and worst happens you have a massive gap in your life.

Yours

Calley