Disappointed in "friends"

TBagpuss

I'm sorry you are having such a dificult time.

I think it can help to remind yourslef that although your dad's situation is overwhelmingly huge for you right now, it's a relatively small thing for your friends.

It sounds as though they are continuing to stay in touch and to try to continue to give you the opportunity to socialise if you feel able to.

When you are daeling with something like this, it is, as you say, exhausting, and it can means tht you are less alert than normal to other people's needs and feelings - it's easy to inadvertently upset people by failing to respond to any issues they might want to discuss, or concerns they may have. I mention this as while I think it is fine for you to actually say to a friend that you feel upset that they are getting grumpy at you not socialising etc, be open to the fact that they may also feel you have been less responsve than they would like.

I also think that people can find it very dificult to know what to do or how to respond when dsomeone is oing through personal issues like this - it can be helpful if you can actually say what you want at the time - e.g. "I'd really like to just go for a coffee or something low key - I'm not up for a big group night out but would love the chance to chat and relax a little"
OR "I'm absolutely knackered because of sitting my dadbut I appreciate you asking me - please keep asking, I'd love to come as soon as I am under a bit less pressure"
OR "I would liove to meet up to talk - I'm still really stressed over my dad and it would be so helpful to be able to talk about him, is that OK?"

That way, you are letting people know what you need, and also allows you to acknowledge that you understamd that you are not perhaps the most fun person to be around right now, but that there is a reason and it will pass.

barbarawright

Sometimes people need to look at themselves and wonder if they've always been totally supportive of friends in need - I'm sure not everyone on this thread has behaved perfectly when friends are in trouble. And as for not wanting to talk about problems - I do try to be a good listener but sometimes people don't want to be constantly repeating the same things several times a day. Just give people credit for what they *are* doing rather than expecting too much of them. Or maybe tell them what you *do* expect - say that you are too tired to go out for an evening but would love to catch up for coffee at home or just ask them to cook you meal. People do want to help but don't always know how

tryingtocutback

Thank you for all your replies.

I think that perhaps I thought I was closer with some friends than I really am. I am particularly surprised by two of them who have been through similar experiences who I thought would be more supportive.

On the plus side, at least now I know!

thorsoak

Maybe those who you thought would understand what you are going through,did not want to be reminded of what they had gone through.

But you do still have people who care for you - just try and remember how bereft you feel now with some people, and try and be the good friend when, in the future, someone else is going through what you are going through now.

{{hugs}} - stay strong girl! xx

Mupette

OP

I totally get how you feel.

I have MS and moved nearer to where my old school friends lived and for a time they couldn't do enough for me. When i was getting married they all got involved. When i started work part time we arranged Ladies wot lunched every few months. I can't always get to go to those. That would be the only time i would see them.

And now that i am fundraising for treatment, all but 2 have ignored my asking for help, when i spoke to one of them before i could explain what i needed she said oh i don't have any money. (I wasn't actually asking for any)

I have 1 very good friend, my bestie that i see about once a week, but will do what she can to help, the others well not one reply not one text or call.

I'm just coming out of a nasty relapse and just my best friend was there. I give up on them i really do, there is only 1 other that can't really do much but said so and will ask how i am, she lost her mother a month or so ago, and i was there for her, because thats what friends do, so 2 very good friends, the others don't seem to want to give me the time of day.

Primrose

Firstly Can you cut down your twice daily hospital visits?. They are a killer on top of a full time job and if you don't get some sort of perspective on your work/life balance you will end up making yourself ill.


Friends are important. Try occasionally to fit in a social get together, if only for a coffee. You still need to maintain contact with the outside world. If they are genuine friends they will understand. A quick email now and then to let them know you are missing them will help maintain the links. Juggling lots of commitment balls is difficult. Are there any other family members or friends of your father who can share the hospital visiting commitment with you to take off some of the pressure?

tryingtocutback

Thanks again everyone - I can understand the different perspectives.

What annoys me most of all is when people say "how's your dad?" but actually are not interested - they just want to say it and get it out of the way before moving on to more interesting topics (usually to do with themselves).

I could probably visit my dad less often in hospital but I don't want to. I want to cherish every single moment I can with him at this terrible time for him.

Kayalana99

tryingtocutback wrote: »

Thanks again everyone - I can understand the different perspectives.

What annoys me most of all is when people say "how's your dad?" but actually are not interested - they just want to say it and get it out of the way before moving on to more interesting topics (usually to do with themselves).

I could probably visit my dad less often in hospital but I don't want to. I want to cherish every single moment I can with him at this terrible time for him.

At least they are asking, there is only so much one can say or do and whilst I really really do appreciate how hard this time for you is from the recent posts it does sound like you are expecting a bit much from them.

When my ex partners Mum died I really did try and be supportive for him but he was lashing out at me because of what he was going through. He seemed to think it was ok to treat me like **** and that my problems didn't matter because of what he was going through.

He was a controlling, emotional abuser before this happened, but all I'm saying is just because you are going through something doesn't mean your friends don't have their own issues which may seem trivial to you - but they feel they are important.

There is only so much sympathy one can give you, and asking how your dad is doing should be seen as a good thing, if they then go on to talk about their own problems then so be it? What more can they say to you then what they already have about the situation (you said yourself they were really good about it at the start)

It sounds like they have been your shoulder to cry on but are now losing interest because there is nothing more they can say or do, so naturally start talking about what is going on in their lives whilst you sit their not being able to concentrate thinking about your Dad and how trivial their problems are, am I wrong?

mikebusano

maybe they just want to cheer you up so they are asking you to go out with them.

Anyway IMO friends are just labels we put on other people doing good to us at a moment. But people are people, and people get tired of something when it is repetitive.

with that said, hope your father goes well. I'm sure he is happy you are as responsible as you are.

paddy's_mum

tryingtocutback wrote: »

I could probably visit my dad less often in hospital but I don't want to. I want to cherish every single moment I can with him at this terrible time for him.

I'm saying this in a gentle tone ... if you make yourself ill with the stress of trying to keep up a killing pace, won't you actually have LESS time with your Dad?

Might the memories you so dearly want to "cherish" end up being a tangle of recollections of a waking nightmare?

I wish all of you well.