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Disappointed in "friends"

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Hi everyone

I just wanted to have a little moan really! Unfortunately my father is seriously ill and has been in hospital for some weeks (and will be for a while longer if all goes well). I am visiting twice a day and attempting to fit in my full time job and running the home in between.

My friends were pretty good at first and very supportive but I feel like they are now bored of it. They are now getting grumpy with me when I am unavailable to go out with them or join in with something. Honestly I am just too tired to do anything else - it's taking its toll on me physically and mentally. My father is my priority and I am totally committed to being there for him - we are a close family but I believe this is fairly normal behaviour.

It seems now that I don't fit in with their plans at the moment, they have dropped me. I even avoid talking about how he is because I feel they have lost interest.

On the other hand - there have been some friends who I wouldn't have considered so close who have been wonderful - you certainly get to find out who your real friends are at these times!
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Comments

  • amersall
    amersall Posts: 17,008 Forumite
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    It is, when you have a "situation", you find out who your friends really are.
    You are well shot of them in my opinion.
    Hope your Father recovers well.
  • moneyistooshorttomention
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    It is difficult when in a situation like that.

    I'm guessing that it's the uncertainty factor in some ways here with your friends as to how long the situation will go on for - whether its likely to be weeks or months?

    Maybe it would be possible for you to arrange to just meet up for a cup of coffee for a couple of hours say with your friends. Say every few weeks anyway? It will help to keep your friendships "ticking over" for however long this situation continues.

    One of my friends recently had a similar situation (that has only just resolved - with the parent concerned going into a care home eventually). I know she was concerned about "keeping her own life ticking over" whilst this was going on and basically did it by doing her best to keep the main interest she has ticking over (ie voluntary work in her case) and arranging stand-ins when she couldnt manage it. The more specifically social aspect of her life was kept ticking over with occasional "outings" for around a couple of hours. Chatty short emails in between.

    With that she - and her friends - were able to get through the situation until she was able to "take her life back".

    Could you manage to do a "group social thing" just for a quick film or group cup of coffee out say once a month for the duration?

    It would be good from your pov to not be left wondering how to "pick up the reins again" when the situation resolves.

    My best wishes that your father makes a good recovery from this.
  • Kayalana99
    Kayalana99 Posts: 3,626 Forumite
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    Perhaps they haven't gone through anything similar so have a hard time knowing what you are going through, where other friends may have had different experiences?

    If they are your close friends I'd consider just bluntly explaining how you feel because you may be thinking you are avoiding them and you are thinking they are being funny with you. Most time it's just crossed wires.
    People don't know what they want until you show them.
  • supersuzie50
    supersuzie50 Posts: 76 Forumite
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    I am a carer for my mother. Yes, I have lost all my "friends" because I have to prioritise mother. The saddest thing is when my friends need support with their mothers, I try to support them but as soon as their mothers die, I am dispensed with - they are no longer friends. They even cross the road to avoid me. It is hard but it is true. When I was living in USA, I found more people more supportive to their friends.
  • kittieviolet
    kittieviolet Posts: 98 Forumite
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    Wishing your father the best and I hope all goes well for you. I do agree that it is when you go through your harder times in life that you find out who your friends really are. I developed a chronic neurological illness a few years back and have to prioritise work and caring for my Dad. My friends at the time faded away for which I have been very sad about.
  • Starrystarrynight1
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    Maybe some are concerned that you don't seem to be having any down time and are worrying that you're overdoing things, but just can't express it.

    Wishing your dad well.

    I used to be Starrystarrynight on MSE, before a log in technical glitch!
  • paddy's_mum
    paddy's_mum Posts: 3,977 Forumite
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    Going to visit twice a day is setting a killing pace, as you are finding out.

    You mention that you are a close family. Is it feasible for another member of the family to do one of the visits so that you are not quite so stretched but your father has all the family love, loyalty and support that you would want for him? Having even an extra hour a day to yourself may make an enormous difference to your own well being.

    I'd also comment that those friends who are now drifting out of your orbit are nothing to be sad about - be grateful that they have shown their true commitment to you and your friendship but have been replaced by others who do understand, do care and don't desert a friend in need.

    I wish all of you well.
  • Lily-Rose_3
    Lily-Rose_3 Posts: 2,732 Forumite
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    Friends are a mixed blessing. They can be a pain in the bum, or invaluable. Unlike some, I prefer friends who don't want a piece of me all the time. I can't be doing with feeling obliged to get in touch, and being b1tched about if I don't contact someone for a few weeks.

    I have 4 liked-minded friends who live 15 to 30 miles from me, who I see every 2-3 months. We don't have any contact at all for several months, (not even facebook, as 3 of them don't even have it!) Then one of us will text and say 'fancy meeting for a Costa tomorrow?' and the other will say 'yeah, see you there 10am.' Then we'll meet up, chat for 4 hours, and then not see each other for 2 months.

    Then again, if one of us NEEDED each other in an emergency, we know we would be there at the drop of a hat. Also, none of us will have a b1tchfest or throw our toys out of the pram, if the other doesn't text or ring for 6 weeks!

    I have a friend at the moment - Janet - who lives a few streets away, who goes to Church occasionally. The Church has around 7 services a month, every Sunday morning, one on a Wednesday (every second week,) and one 'Sung Communion' at the end of the month. I go to some, and so does she, but I don't always bump into her. In addition, I have had a very busy time with many things going on in my social life of late; 2 weddings, 21st, 40th, and 50th birthday parties, and a Christening. And my husband has been off work for 2.5 weeks. (Holiday leave,) and we have been away several times. We have been very busy.

    Yesterday I rang Liz - a woman who runs one of the Church Groups - to say I couldn't make the monthly group this week, as I am going away mid week for 2 days, and she said 'Janet said she hasn't heard from you for many weeks! Not seen you at Church, no phone calls, or texts or anything.''

    I was gobsmacked. As a woman in my 50s, I don't want - or NEED to be explaining myself to some silly insecure woman who feels the need to run to teacher. FGS, I do have a life, and family, and OTHER friends. And what's more, how and why did my name even come up in conversation?! Did she just run to Liz and start b1tching about me not getting in touch?! PLUS, it's a 2 way street. She knows where I live, and my phone number FGS! Utterly pathetic.

    The thing was, I DID see her a week before, with her husband, in the doctors surgery. And I spoke to her and him for 10 minutes while I was waiting for my husband to come out. Then all 4 of us chatted for a few minutes before her husband was called in. So she was lying anyway!

    I just said to this woman 'I only saw her last week, and spent 10 minutes talking to her!' 'Oh she must be getting you mixed up with someone else then' she said.

    The next day Janet texted me to ask if me and my husband want to go out for a drink with her and her husband! Not feeling it to be honest, especially as she feels the need to blather to all and sundry about Lily not ringing or texting her for many weeks! FGS, what are we? 14?!

    Also, the last time we went (about 2 months ago,) she kept calling me by someone else's name! (Some new friend she has at work!) Which peed me off greatly. So incredibly rude and ignorant!

    As I say, 'friends' can be a mixed blessing. The more I think about this woman reporting to the woman who runs the Church groups, that I 'haven't been in touch with her for many weeks,' the more annoyed I feel about it. My hubby said she sounds like a woman obsessed. He can't fathom why she felt the need to talk about me to this woman either.

    If you have friends who are putting on you, and making you feel you have to explain yourself, then give them a wide berth. This is what me and my hubby are doing with this woman and her husband. Hopefully they'll get the message eventually!
    Proud to have lost over 3 stone (45 pounds,) in the past year! :j Now a size 14!


    You're not singing anymore........ You're not singing any-more! :D
  • Guest101
    Guest101 Posts: 15,764 Forumite
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    Hi everyone

    I just wanted to have a little moan really! Unfortunately my father is seriously ill and has been in hospital for some weeks (and will be for a while longer if all goes well). I am visiting twice a day and attempting to fit in my full time job and running the home in between.

    My friends were pretty good at first and very supportive but I feel like they are now bored of it. They are now getting grumpy with me when I am unavailable to go out with them or join in with something. Honestly I am just too tired to do anything else - it's taking its toll on me physically and mentally. My father is my priority and I am totally committed to being there for him - we are a close family but I believe this is fairly normal behaviour.

    It seems now that I don't fit in with their plans at the moment, they have dropped me. I even avoid talking about how he is because I feel they have lost interest.

    On the other hand - there have been some friends who I wouldn't have considered so close who have been wonderful - you certainly get to find out who your real friends are at these times!



    Im confused?


    You're upset that people don't want to hear about your poorly father when they're trying to have an enjoyable social time?


    And you're surprised they've stopped asking you to come out when the answer is constantly no, and when you do, its to talk about your poorly father?


    I can see their point to be honest.




    Now that doesn't take away from the emotions you're going through, and how tiring it must be and all that, but it's not their role to support you on every occasion. They did that at the start.


    Think you're expecting too much.
  • Slinky
    Slinky Posts: 10,049 Forumite
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    Good grief Lily, it could be she just said 'I haven't seen much of Lily recently' in passing, or in a concerned way. Why are you assuming she was bi*ching?
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