Disappointed in "friends"

Lily-Rose_3

Slinky wrote: »

Good grief Lily, it could be she just said 'I haven't seen much of Lily recently' in passing, or in a concerned way. Why are you assuming she was bi*ching?

Because this is what she does.

As I said, I don't appreciate having to justify myself. We're not 14. And as I said, she knows where I live, and my phone number; why go 'reporting to teacher?'

And why say it when I only saw her the week before? So she was lying anyway!

I'm willing to bet that if the situation was reversed, and *I* had been saying my friend has not been in touch for many weeks, and said that I mentioned it to someone else; you would have told me that she has probably been busy with other things, to stop tittle tattling to other people, and to get a life LOL!

elona

I think when she lied about having seen lily only the week before and then said "No phone calls, no texts, e mails, nothing!" That was a bit of a clue as to the tone of the discussion.

fairy_lights

tryingtocutback wrote: »

Honestly I am just too tired to do anything else - it's taking its toll on me physically and mentally. My father is my priority and I am totally committed to being there for him - we are a close family but I believe this is fairly normal behaviour.

It seems now that I don't fit in with their plans at the moment, they have dropped me. I even avoid talking about how he is because I feel they have lost interest.

I think you're being a bit hasty in writing these friends off. If they know you are too tired and busy for socialising at the moment then what you perceive as them dropping you might just be their way of giving you a bit of breathing space.
If you avoid talking about your father then maybe they think it's because you don't want to talk about it, and so avoid bringing it up themselves?

paddy's_mum

Lily-Rose wrote: »

If you have friends who are ...insert conduct... then give them a wide berth. This is what me and my hubby are doing with this woman and her husband. Hopefully they'll get the message eventually!

My first thought was that Janet already believed that your silence/absence was intended to give her a message. She just didn't know/couldn't guess what it was she thought you were trying to tell her.

She may have genuinely felt that she had done something to upset you and was not "blathering to all and sundry" as you have supposed - just mildly expressing the hope to a mutual acquaintance that all was well with you and yours and that she had not inadvertently caused offence somewhere along the line. Words like "reporting" and "obsessed" seem rather accusing about someone you describe as your friend.

By doing what you state above (they'll get the message) you are actually leading the poor woman into more possible conflict.

Lily-Rose_3

elona wrote: »

I think when she lied about having seen lily only the week before and then said "No phone calls, no texts, e mails, nothing!" That was a bit of a clue as to the tone of the discussion.

Exactly! thanks Elona. She was clearly moaning about me. As I said, I'm a woman in my 50s, and don't appreciate having to explain myself! I have had enough of crap like this from so-called friends in the past; it's exhausting. and energy-draining.

The OP reminded me of this, when she mentioned her friends wanting a piece of her, and moaning when she says no.

fairy_lights

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Also, the last time we went (about 2 months ago,) she kept calling me by someone else's name! (Some new friend she has at work!) Which peed me off greatly. So incredibly rude and ignorant!

Maybe she also confused you with this other woman when she was talking about who she hadn't heard from in weeks? Could she have memory problems that are causing her to mix things up?

Lily-Rose_3

fairy_lights wrote: »

Maybe she also confused you with this other woman when she was talking about who she hadn't heard from in weeks? Could she have memory problems that are causing her to mix things up?

Doubt it very much. She remembers things when it suits!

paddy's_mum wrote: »

My first thought was that Janet already believed that your silence/absence was intended to give her a message. She just didn't know/couldn't guess what it was she thought you were trying to tell her.

She may have genuinely felt that she had done something to upset you and was not "blathering to all and sundry" as you have supposed - just mildly expressing the hope to a mutual acquaintance that all was well with you and yours and that she had not inadvertently caused offence somewhere along the line. Words like "reporting" and "obsessed" seem rather accusing about someone you describe as your friend.

By doing what you state above (they'll get the message) you are actually leading the poor woman into more possible conflict.

I appreciate what you're saying, but you really don't know what this woman (Janet) is like. She is gossipy and a bit nosey, and several others have noticed it too. There's a number of things I could tell you about her, - things she has said and done - but I won't. Upshot is, I don't owe her anything, and I don't have to explain myself. Not to her, not to the other woman. Or anyone.

Anyway, I was answering the OP, and putting my thoughts and experiences down, and I don't want or need to have my post picked apart. Also, I don't want to hijack the thread. So I'm not responding to any more comments about my post.

SandC

As another poster has said, it's likely your friends haven't yet been in a similar situation or perhaps if they have then time has led them to forget what it's like. Also don't forget you are run ragged right now and will be feeling especially sensitive to this kind of thing.

I experienced the parental illness stuff at quite a young age and as my friends start to go through similar situations they now understand better. Personally I used the time I was with my friends to forget about the stuff that was going on at home, I'm sure if you reached out on an individual basis if you wanted to talk then you'd get a much more positive response. They probably don't realise how you feel about the whole friends thing right now.

I wouldn't take it personally, you do what you have to do right now and no doubt things will resolve themselves when your father is better and you don't need to commit so much time to him. You will also see things with a clearer head and maybe see that you were being more sensitive than you normally would be. Meanwhile, you've learnt that you have some people in your life who you are closer to than you thought so take that as a positive.

Hope all works out for you.

Tammykitty

OP


I am guessing it is not like your friends don't care, its that they don't understand.


Caring for a sick relative is exhausting both physically and mentally.


When my MIL died after a long illness, I felt very let down by my friends, I felt as if they didn't care about what I had gone through and didn't understand that my husband was my only priority at the time and for a long time afterwards.
I was exhausted after spending so much time in the hospital with MIL, and then my husband needed surgery too, so it was not plain sailing, and I cancelled on my friends a few times during this.


However, it annoyed me when they didn't bother contacting me, even my own brother didn't ring me.


Friends didn't even mention my MIL's death to my husband the next time they seen him.


However, looking back now, the friends have their own lives to lead, and just because mine was in limbo for a long time, doesn't mean theirs were too, as hard as your life is, life goes on around you.


It might be worth saying to your friends how you feel, instead of letting resentment get the better of you, your friends don't know how to react, explain to them you are very busy for the forseeable future, and don't be offended when you say no to meet ups, you will go to what you can, and you can contact them if you have any free time.


The experience taught me what friends I could really count on, and left me feeling very alone, but that was at the time, now its behind me, and I think some of my expectations of my friends were too high.

Andypandyboy

I also think that people don't want to "harass" you to socialise when you clearly haven't got the time or energy.