Rant - Jealousy.

Returntosender

I really need somewhere to vent about my frustrations with life so I thought I'd come here and get it off my chest. Please delete if this isn't allowed...

I'm in my 30s and my partner in his late twenties. My parents live in a council house and have no money to their name - I am unable to work due to a degenerative illness and live with my parents. My partner's father is unwilling to help him/us financially now that he has a new wife/family (his new stepmother threw him out of his family home). He lives in a flat share with a friend.

All around us, are our friends are settling down. They're being given houses to live in, flats to rent or large amounts of money for their house deposits.

While, for the most part, I'm happy for them, I can't help but feel incredibly jealous of their situations and I'm starting to feel hopeless that we'll ever be able to afford to live together.

We're doing everything we can to save for a deposit but it'll be another 12-18 months before we can start looking at buying something together (when I say together, he'll be paying the mortgage as I cannot work). I just feel so hopeless, like we've been given the !!!! end of the stick and I just feel desperate for a wodge of cash to just fall into my lap so that I can contribute more to our lives together. Not being able to work is frustrating enough, let alone knowing that the only reason we're not moving in with each other is because we only have one income between us. I feel so useless.

justme111

You must have very peculiar group of friends then . Amongst people I know hardly anybody gets houses, flats and deposits just like that .
You probably just having a pity party , everybody is entitled to have that time to time. Let alone someone with illness that stops one from working , sorry to hear that.
Have you thought about some volunteering to help those who are worse off than you are health wise , relationship wise and financially ? As your time frame (1-1.5 years) would seem very short and lucky for many ..
Wishing you well
Xx

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Returntosender wrote: »

I really need somewhere to vent about my frustrations with life so I thought I'd come here and get it off my chest. Please delete if this isn't allowed...

I'm in my 30s and my partner in his late twenties. My parents live in a council house and have no money to their name - I am unable to work due to a degenerative illness and live with my parents. My partner's father is unwilling to help him/us financially now that he has a new wife/family (his new stepmother threw him out of his family home). He lives in a flat share with a friend.

All around us, are our friends are settling down. They're being given houses to live in, flats to rent or large amounts of money for their house deposits.

While, for the most part, I'm happy for them, I can't help but feel incredibly jealous of their situations and I'm starting to feel hopeless that we'll ever be able to afford to live together.

We're doing everything we can to save for a deposit but it'll be another 12-18 months before we can start looking at buying something together (when I say together, he'll be paying the mortgage as I cannot work). I just feel so hopeless, like we've been given the !!!! end of the stick and I just feel desperate for a wodge of cash to just fall into my lap so that I can contribute more to our lives together. Not being able to work is frustrating enough, let alone knowing that the only reason we're not moving in with each other is because we only have one income between us. I feel so useless.

Look on it another way - you've got each other and you want to be together. Moreover, you've got a chance in the next two years to own somewhere of your own. That's something me & the OH haven't got a chance of happening.

If he's managing to save for a deposit, he's got more disposable income than we've ever had. If you're too ill to work, presumably you receive some form of benefit - DLA/PIP? So you do have an income to contribute. There are home based things you might be able to do.

You have somewhere to live now, he has somewhere to live now - you're not trapped in a nasty bedsit on benefits with nobody caring for you and he isn't sleeping in a doorway somewhere. He also has a job.


Just because other people you know get handed things to them on a plate, that doesn't mean that it's normal or what anybody deserves. Having a degenerative condition sucks big time (tell me about it!), but hey, there it is, you can't do much about it; your choice is, feel sorry for yourself or accept it's just part of you and get on with your life as best you can.


Do you really have the thin end of the wedge? Or are you actually relatively fortunate and you just don't have quite as much exceptionally good fortune that a few other people have experienced?

pigpen

Also.. when you get your home you will be able to proudly high-five yourselves because you did it by yourselves.. no family handouts, no 'double income' or amazing wage.. you aren't still relying on your parents for everything.. that is an achievement! To me that would mean more than being handed things on a platter.

You have so many positives in your life.. decent parents who are caring for you and allowing you to live at home, food, warmth, income that you can save the deposit and above all love... you are very fortunate, your friends may be jealous of all of those things.

Keep on working at that deposit.. your time will come!! I know it is hard seeing others get stuff without seeming to do anything but that doesn't mean they are happy or aren't struggling in other ways. Be glad for what you have and not what you don't.

UKTigerlily

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way; there's some good advice above. For what it's worth, I don't know anyone who has been handed money to get a house etc and in *my* case, i'm in a council bedsit, in a bad area. I have no family & friends around, no job, 3 life long illnesses (2 with no cure), will never have a baby which I desperately want and have to deal with fighting weight issues over and over. I have no money to speak of and just lost my dog. But I do have an amazing cat, mobility and the future possibility of a job and nice home, maybe a partner and one amazing friend

There's always worse, and always something x

FBaby

There is nothing wrong with feeling jealous, which actually seem more like envy. Just accept it, it's a natural feeling. What is important though is that you don't let that jealousy affect your in a negative way. Tell yourself that you wish you had what they have, but remind yourself that one day, it will be you too. Who says that when you do get to move in, in 18 months time, there won't be someone who will be envious of your situation?

Focus on the positives, you have a supporting partner, who works and each month, you are moving closer to what you want. Right now, you are just being impatient, probably because you are desperate to spend each day with him. The time will come, don't waste your energy on negative vibes, instead embrace the fact that you are getting there, just a bit slower than others.

dirty_magic

You're not alone, a lot of people are in the same position. Most people I know had some financial help to buy their houses, but if they hadn't they'd be in the same position you're in.

We saved to buy ours ourselves, I wouldn't have wanted my parents to give us their savings because they need it for retirement. They did give us some money, but they didn't tell us until after we'd saved the deposit.

Try to count your blessings, you're lucky to be able to afford a house in 18 months if you can't work. There are lots of disabled people that will never be as fortunate as you!

missbiggles1

If you really want to live together and he's already paying rent in a shared house, why not look at renting a double room in a house share somewhere? With the rent he's already paying and what you pay to your parents, it's unlikely to cost any more or affect your ability to save.

gabriel1980

What's the illness?

KxMx

I can understand your feelings OP.

I'm 29, single, live with my mother in her council house and am in poor health due to an undiagnosed auto immune disease. (almost 10 years). Also cannot work.

I've resigned myself to not having kids. A partner is unlikely and getting my health problems diagnosed and properly treated is even more unlikely. Having enough money to run my own car is unlikely to happen, my parent also does not have enough & never has done.

I had been working on my finances long term and decided in 2-3 years a one bed council flat of my own was a real possibility.

Then the Government made changes in the Budget which mean I will now have to wait 6 years before a place of my own is viable. I'm assuming nothing else will improve in that time (ie diagnosis, treatment means small improvements, part time work more money etc) because it hasn't so far in the past decade.

I do still try to remind myself that while many are better off than me, there are those worse off and I need to be grateful for the little I do have. I have a real chance to live independently however long I have to wait. I have small chance of meeting someone and a very small chance of my health improving enough to work. That's more than some have.

I still feel plenty jealous of my friends but try to keep it squashed most of the time.

DD265

I'm also at a point in life where friends and family seem to be buying houses, getting married and having babies. We aren't currently saving for a deposit, and although we got engaged earlier this year we won't be getting married any time soon because it's so expensive to include a rather large family that we want to be there. As for babies.. er not right now.

I do sometimes feel like I'm being "left behind" but when I have had enough of wallowing at my personal pity party, I remind myself that I have my fiance and my health and basically any other positive carp I can come up with at that moment in time.

Sometimes taking a break from social media is a really good thing. I know we shouldn't compare ourselves to others but I do find it hard not to do that. A total break does help.