Being single and happy with it?

OldMotherTucker

greenbee wrote: »

Don't forget spending hours in the bath reading trashy novels and drinking wine...

It is perfectly possible to be happy on your own. I'd rather be happily single that miserable as part of a couple. My last relationship was incredibly toxic for me and my ex still causes issues. I'm happy and fulfilled. Have no cats or dogs and haven't given up on men. But I also know I'm a valid human being without one.

And BTW... if you want sex you don't need a partner. There are plenty of opportunities and options out there. Probably more than for the average person in a long-term relationship.

I'm continually asked why I don't have 'an other half' - !!!!!! I'm a whole person :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

As for being 'in a relationship' - I'm in plenty thank you very much - I'm just not in a sexual one:rotfl:

mariposa687

To those who say it's weak to need counselling for it -you have no idea what else I'm going through. What I have shared is just a small part of that. You want to talk about the NHS? How about the hundreds of thousands of pounds lost per week by people who don't bother to show up for their appointments?
I didn't realise some people on this forum were so harsh bit ill know for next time.

Jagraf

miss_independent wrote: »

Yes! Do it, I did and it really helps.

I was told to draw up two lists;

Things that nourish me

Things that deplete me

It helped me realise unhelpful ways of thinking, behaving and dealing with emotions that I'd become reliant on and I also realised that somewhere along the lines I'd stopped doing any of the things that brought me joy.

Hopefully you aren't working this bank holiday weekend and you will get to do a few things of your joy list .

Very many people who are in relationships don't do this and should. Sometimes being single does really focus you.

missbiggles1

mariposa687 wrote: »

To those who say it's weak to need counselling for it -you have no idea what else I'm going through. What I have shared is just a small part of that. You want to talk about the NHS? How about the hundreds of thousands of pounds lost per week by people who don't bother to show up for their appointments?
I didn't realise some people on this forum were so harsh bit ill know for next time.

I didn't use the word "weak" and you haven't mentioned any other problems. Unfortunately, my crystal ball's at the cleaners at the moment.;)

Tuesday_Tenor

Mariposa is a beautiful name.
I remember the beautiful yellow swallowtail butterflies I saw in Spain.

But you need strengths and skills to get through life happily and successfully, not just the beauty of the butterfly.

If your research suggests that counselling might encourage the understanding, strengths and skills you need to address your issues (not all of which can share here) then go for it, while staying open to other helpful influences as well.

Ignore the unhelpful comments and concentrate on the ones that do help.

I know that when my long-term relationship with M ended, there was an M-shaped hole in my life that lasted a good 6 months before it noticeably diminished. I wasn't tearful, I understood why we'd split and accepted it at some levels. But still, the lack of companionship was very, very marked. The person to talk with, hug, share chores and joys ... And I'm someone who's also happy on their own, as I have been for nearly 10 years now!

I wrote earlier about being adaptable, and I think it's really important to accept that no one state of being is either perfect or permanent. That doesn't mean that the period of adapting is necessarily easy. Some changes are welcomed and easy. Some are a very difficult process. Just accept that it's reasonable to have to adapt and find what support you need in doing it. As you have by coming on here. After all, even butterflies go through several stages of adaptation before they're fully formed !!

As you seem to be surrounded only by couples and babies, is there something you can do about that? Is your perception correct, or is it that you're so tuned to that you're not noticing others? Assuming it's true, can you make some moves to get to meet other people? New interests, new activities? Can you also see the bigger picture; in 10 years time I bet some of those couples won't be so loved-up ... They will also go through the pain of separation, as you have. Things change.

It's good that you're seeing that not all was perfect in the relationship that's ended. Being clear and sensible with money is perhaps something you won't compromise on in future? Are there other freedoms about being single that you can start to appreciate?

Deep_In_Debt

I'm 50 and single and I've been single for about 5 years now and loving it.

I was in a relationship for nearly 19 years...we never married and never had kids, just sort of rubbed along together.

I'm happier now than I ever have been and great friends with my ex - we get on better now than we did when we were together.

Ancel

You think about it too much. Probably, the best option for you right now is to focus on something new in your life. You can find a hobby or proceed your career.

I mean life is not about being single or being in relationships. There are so many other things to do in your life. You just have to see it.

Robisere

It took me 42 years to find that one right person and it took 41 years for the same person to find me. Both of us had previous and both of us had reached that point that says "That's it, I'm single forever now." Now we 've been married almost 30 years and we have occasional rows, certainly, but we both remember why we are together and it makes it pale into insignificance.

Last year we did something that we had always wanted to do: a long cruise on the Danube. It was wonderful, but what we noticed was that ther were quite a few single people onboard. They were having a great time and gravitating towards each other eventually, often as a result of couples like ourselves encouraging that.

If you could afford it, I would advise trying that, or at least a holiday as a single, amongst people who do not know you and therefore view you without any thought about your circumstances. One thing you must keep in mind is that you are not a failure as a person, just because someone did not see what he wanted in you, does not mean that someone else won't.

lessonlearned

Becoming a singleton can happen at any time, relationships break down, people get divorced and people die. The end,, for whatever reason, is painful and it can take a long time for broken hearts to mend.

If you feel that counselling might help you then go for it. And, I'm afraid there is a shortage of provision on the NHS so you might find it better to fund your own.

Before you do though would you consider a holiday.

I am a widow and went on my first ever holiday alone about 15 months after my husband did. I went on a cruise and I can recommend them as a way of gently easing your way back into the wide world. There are usually plenty of singletons on cruises so you won't feel odd or isolated. You don't have to "couple up" with anyone - I certainly wasn't looking for romance but you might make some new friends. I met a couple of really nice ladies who have become good friends.

That holiday did me a lot of good. I know it sounds daft but I went out as a "grieving widow" and came back a singleton. I still miss my husband of course, always will, but that raw grief and pain has now subsidised and I'm starting to live again.

Counselling was not for me, I knew it wouldn't be but then I do have close family and friends who have been a great source of comfort and support.

A year isn't so very long to heal a broken heart, Just take it slowly and try not to worry too much about the future.

I understand your comments about looking around and seeing only "love up couples" - many of my friends are very lucky and still have their partners and it is hard for me sometime to be surrounded by couples.

But.........I console myself the thought that it's better to be alone than in an unhappy relationship. My husband and I were very happy and I doubt that I will find anyone like him again. He's a hard act to follow....:rotfl:

All I can say is don't let what has happened make you cynical, suspicious or bitter. You are young and more resilient than you perhaps currently feel but the pain will ease eventually.

And......who knows......Mr Right might be waiting for you.....as we speak.

My son got married last week, both he and his bride are 31. They only met last year at the age of 30.

There's plenty of time yet to find happiness again.

Good luck.

SandC

I remember particularly upsetting relationship breakdowns some years back and I think you have to get past 12 months of 'this time last year' to really put things behind and totally move on - if you haven't already. As others have said it's often the relationship you start to miss and not the person.

The main thing is you can't force yourself into being 'happily single', but it will happen if you are good to yourself, as good to yourself as you hope a significant other might be (which may also open your eyes to how the last one perhaps wasn't?). Don't ever think the line 'there is no point doing that/having that when there's just me'. There is always a point if that's what you want. From having a Sunday roast to going to a gig you've always wanted to come around. I feel a little sad when I hear some people say they have toast for tea cos there's no point cooking for one. That's fine if you don't like food much but if you do.... are you denying yourself a juicy steak and onion rings just because you don't also have to cook one for someone else?

I have been single most of my adult life, never cohabited put it that way. I've been seeing someone a few months now and it works - ha cos he works weird shifts and I still do absolutely everything I did before. The compromise is merely that I spend more time coordinating plans so that we can do stuff when he's not working. Simple but so far working well.

One key is to stop looking at others and what they are doing. Most of my friends don't understand why there are no plans to live together, citing it as financially sensible. But I am so used to living alone that really won't change for quite some considerable time, if at all. This time you have to yourself is for finding out what you want and how you are happy living. There are going to be times where you feel a little left out if your circle is mainly settling down etc. and unfortunately you are at an age where that is going to happen a lot. Indeed, I naturally had to widen my circle because a lot of friends just weren't around as much as their lives were busy with family. Yet I'm mid forties now and some of them are divorced, others their children are growing older and they have more time and some have simply found a happier medium between spending time with a partner and time with their friends.

All I can say is go a day, a week, a month at a time. Have things to look forward to, however small (as another poster said - a tub of ben & jerry's and a spoon at the weekend can be enough!).

:-)