Being single and happy with it?

fuzzyduck22

p.s I am VERY aware that the grass isn't always greener and sometimes I feel grateful that I dont have the constant worry of a partner leaving/cheating etc (that makes me sound so pathetic!!!). A colleague was saying to me recently that she's jealous that I can just go out/do whatever I want which she can't do so easily now she is married with 3 young children. I do see her point but sometimes I think it would be nice to feel needed/missed by someone.

I need to start remembering the things that bring me joy . Maybe I should make a list!

miss_independent

fuzzyduck22 wrote: »

p.s I am VERY aware that the grass isn't always greener and sometimes I feel grateful that I dont have the constant worry of a partner leaving/cheating etc (that makes me sound so pathetic!!!). A colleague was saying to me recently that she's jealous that I can just go out/do whatever I want which she can't do so easily now she is married with 3 young children. I do see her point but sometimes I think it would be nice to feel needed/missed by someone.

I need to start remembering the things that bring me joy . Maybe I should make a list!

Yes! Do it, I did and it really helps.

I was told to draw up two lists;

Things that nourish me

Things that deplete me

It helped me realise unhelpful ways of thinking, behaving and dealing with emotions that I'd become reliant on and I also realised that somewhere along the lines I'd stopped doing any of the things that brought me joy.

Hopefully you aren't working this bank holiday weekend and you will get to do a few things of your joy list .

FBaby

And to continue on the theme of being happy with oneself before being able to be happy with someone else. My OH (who I met online) said that one thing that really attracted him when he met me was that I was a genuinely happy person. He said that he went on a number of dates with women, when even though they pretended to be independent, he could read the desperation to be in a committed relationship (he is indeed quite perceptive!). I felt exactly the same about him.

We've now been together for 8 years, totally committed to each other, but still very independent. I still regularly go out with the same friends I used to when I was single, still do similar activities as does my OH.

Top_Girl

I suppose I'm coming at this from a slightly different perspective, as I was in relationships solidly from being 19 to being 29, I became single through completely my own choice and I already had Top Boy so never having kids wasn't an issue.


I echo the clich! of the most important thing being learning to be happy on your own, or at least content. You have to take responsibility for it as simply, you never know when a romantic relationship may end, through choice or circumstance.

[Deleted User]

mariposa687 wrote: »

So last year I split up with my ex and to be honest I am struggling to get over it. I still find myself in tears at least once a week. At 28 I didn't think I was that old to be single but maybe I'm wrong. Lots of people around me at work are getting engaged/having babies. In fact the 2 people who sit across from me, 1 is recently engaged, the other having a baby. Just after I split up with my boyfriend, both my flatmates got boyfriends who are now over quite a lot. I literally can't escape from it!!
It seems like everyone around me has what I want. I know that not every relationship is a happy one but still.

To rub salt in the wound, my friend told me the other week that my ex (who insisted on us living in London) is now moving up North so obviously he's finding it easy to move on and I'm stuck.

I've been referred for counselling as I know I'm having problems getting over it but there is a big waiting list.

So my question is, those of you that are happily single - how do you do it? How do you cope with the majority of your social circle being coupled up?

Everyone tells me it's a great time to get what I want, the trouble is that I don't know what that is anymore. Some people have suggested online dating apps etc as well but the thought of dating again terrifies me.

Hi Op,
Sorry to hear about your situation. It is one of the worst feelings, I went through the same motions early last year when my 12-year relationship ended. How long were you together for?
At 28, you are still young so no need to panic The best thing you can do is have your alone time and do the things that you enjoy doing. Naturally there will be days when you feel down but time does heal!
When I think of my last relationship, I always tell myself if two people really want to be together they will do everything in their power to make the relationship work.

[Deleted User]

fuzzyduck22 wrote: »

I could have written your post . In time I got over the guy but, as someone above mentioned, I guess getting over being in a happy relationship and having that fulfillment has not been easy.

Six years later I am still on my own and am not happy. I've tried dating, putting myself out there, joining clubs, pursuing hobbies etc but it seems no-one wants me. I've since been trying to just be happy on my own but yes it is hard when everyone around you starts getting married and having children. The jealousy streak comes out and i HATE feeling like that, it's such an ugly feeling to have.

I'm not sure what the answer is, I find myself not wanting to make new friends anymore as it'll just lead to having more people to watch settle down. I wish I knew how to be happy alone as that's how my future is looking...

I can relate to this! I am still looking after 2 years, tried the online dating scene, joining clubs/courses with mutual interests but to no success! Everywhere you go or know is coupled up and it can be really frustrating at times.



I personally believe that people in this type of situation need that little bit of luck to find that special someone.

greenbee

Person_one wrote: »

When I'm ancient and stuck in my nursing home I hope they say about me "She never married, but she had a lot of fantastic lie-ins and saw tons of films while eating ice cream straight out of the tub."

Don't forget spending hours in the bath reading trashy novels and drinking wine...

It is perfectly possible to be happy on your own. I'd rather be happily single that miserable as part of a couple. My last relationship was incredibly toxic for me and my ex still causes issues. I'm happy and fulfilled. Have no cats or dogs and haven't given up on men. But I also know I'm a valid human being without one.

And BTW... if you want sex you don't need a partner. There are plenty of opportunities and options out there. Probably more than for the average person in a long-term relationship.

missbiggles1

fuzzyduck22 wrote: »

I could have written your post . In time I got over the guy but, as someone above mentioned, I guess getting over being in a happy relationship and having that fulfillment has not been easy.

Six years later I am still on my own and am not happy. I've tried dating, putting myself out there, joining clubs, pursuing hobbies etc but it seems no-one wants me. I've since been trying to just be happy on my own but yes it is hard when everyone around you starts getting married and having children. The jealousy streak comes out and i HATE feeling like that, it's such an ugly feeling to have.

I'm not sure what the answer is, I find myself not wanting to make new friends anymore as it'll just lead to having more people to watch settle down. I wish I knew how to be happy alone as that's how my future is looking...

But you're making clubs and hobbies a means to an end rather than something you enjoy for their own sake - I don't think that's ever going to make someone happy.

mariposa687

Lots of useful advice, thanks all. We were together for 4 years and we lived together so quite a serious relationship.I guess at the end of the day it wasn't meant to be, we were each others first proper girlfriend and boyfriend. One thing I will say that is nice is having my own money after living with someone who was terrible with money - we never had any because he was very selfish. It's nice to be able to have some nice things that I worked hard for.

I think it's true that it's the relationship I miss more than him. Part of me does miss him occasionally but I'm told that's normal so I'm not worried about that as such. It's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who feels/has felt this way. My job is really stressful at the moment so that's one thing I'm going to change as it's not really challenging me either. I am considering paying for counselling as I'm worried it will take a long time to be seen on the NHS. Going to the gym helps but I haven't had much time for that recently due to long hours at work.

I think I do need more time to heal properly and to keep in mind that it doesn't happen overnight.

missbiggles1

mariposa687 wrote: »

Lots of useful advice, thanks all. We were together for 4 years and we lived together so quite a serious relationship.I guess at the end of the day it wasn't meant to be, we were each others first proper girlfriend and boyfriend. One thing I will say that is nice is having my own money after living with someone who was terrible with money - we never had any because he was very selfish. It's nice to be able to have some nice things that I worked hard for.

I think it's true that it's the relationship I miss more than him. Part of me does miss him occasionally but I'm told that's normal so I'm not worried about that as such. It's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who feels/has felt this way. My job is really stressful at the moment so that's one thing I'm going to change as it's not really challenging me either. I am considering paying for counselling as I'm worried it will take a long time to be seen on the NHS. Going to the gym helps but I haven't had much time for that recently due to long hours at work.

I think I do need more time to heal properly and to keep in mind that it doesn't happen overnight.

I think that's going a bit over the top, quite honestly. It's quite normal to miss somebody and grieve over the end of a relationship - no need to medicalise it (unless you have other MHI, of course). Humans are pretty tough and can cope on their own with far worse problems than splitting up from a boyfriend.