Being single and happy with it?

bluenoseam

You've at least taken the first step to trying to move on in admitting that you're not dealing with it so well and are seeking help to try to get to that place. (That's ballsy by the way, not many would actually do that!)

I can only speak from my perspective as a single 31 year old, but I'm perfectly fine with it in the understanding that the only person I truly need in life to be "happy" with is me. Is it true to say that it could be better with someone else in my life, I dare say it is, but I'm not going out of my way to make that the case. Most of my mates are coupled up, have halflings, the mortgage, the dog the whole 9 yards, but that's their ideal of happiness - not mine. What makes me happy is the knowledge I'm healthy (well, reasonably!), my bills are all paid and I have enough money to enjoy the opportunities life affords me.

Thing in life is to understand that in order to be happy, one has to be happy with their own situation before adding further to that situation. I know it's cliched but what's meant to be will be, if you're meant to fall in love & have all that jazz then it's going to happen - you just haven't found that scenario yet.

Marvel1

I'm 34 and been single for 10 years. I prefer it that way and don't make any attempt to look for a relationship. Think I'm so used to it e.g. living on my own doing what I want and being "selfish", I prefer it that way.

miss_independent

bluenoseam wrote: »

You've at least taken the first step to trying to move on in admitting that you're not dealing with it so well and are seeking help to try to get to that place. (That's ballsy by the way, not many would actually do that!)

I can only speak from my perspective as a single 31 year old, but I'm perfectly fine with it in the understanding that the only person I truly need in life to be "happy" with is me. Is it true to say that it could be better with someone else in my life, I dare say it is, but I'm not going out of my way to make that the case. Most of my mates are coupled up, have halflings, the mortgage, the dog the whole 9 yards, but that's their ideal of happiness - not mine. What makes me happy is the knowledge I'm healthy (well, reasonably!), my bills are all paid and I have enough money to enjoy the opportunities life affords me.

Thing in life is to understand that in order to be happy, one has to be happy with their own situation before adding further to that situation. I know it's cliched but what's meant to be will be, if you're meant to fall in love & have all that jazz then it's going to happen - you just haven't found that scenario yet.

Wow, I think I've found my brain twin - had to double check I hadn't already replied to the thread!


OP, I'm 32 and went through a horrible breakup 18 months ago which I too ended up needing counselling for. I couldn't wait as long as I would have had to as I was in a really bad place and it was affecting work etc. I paid privately in the end. The counsellor knew I didn't have a lot of money and agreed to see me every other week and charge only £30. It was worth every penny. She really helped me. Is this an option for you? There are also charities which sometimes offer free counselling - my local Women's Centre offers a course of free counselling which is immediately accessible.

Ultimately, I do want to marry and have children of my own but I now see that as the icing on the cake. I am a lot happier than I was a year ago. Being single can be fantastic - you don't really have to answer to anyone, you can go where you want and do whatever you want and I'd say that I'm more interesting now than I ever was in my last relationship. Back then I was constantly asking myself "What's wrong with me?" . A lot of people commented that when I was with him I lost a lot of myself and disappeared into him. I feel like I've found myself again and genuinely like who I am.

When I came out of that relationship, like you, I didn't really know what I wanted to do anymore. I was numb and had totally lost touch with my emotions. It was through counselling that I was able to get in touch with them again. This meant a lot of crying and getting really angry and frustrated but I had my counsellor with me, giving me permission to express all of that.

After all of that, I managed to remember things that brought me joy and I started pursuing them. Now I'm mega busy but doing loads of things that make me happy, improving my career and spiritual life, making new friends and improving upon/learning new skills. I find it pretty easy to be single now and I genuinely don't care that I'm not in a relationship most of the time.

Before, I saw being single as a curse and was always looking outside myself for someone to make me happy. Now I know I don't need someone else to make me happy - it would be nice to share the happiness with someone eventually though. I feel like I was a bit desperate before and I'd fall for anyone who would pay me even the tiniest bit of attention and affection. I'd also go for guys who had chronically low self esteem or who needed help in some way, rather than trusting I could attract someone who was emotionally healthy and could actually be supportive to me for a change. That's all changed now.

I think it takes time to get to being truly happy without being in a relationship. And there is a big difference between being happily single whilst being open to a relationship and giving up and feeling like you just have to put up with your lot.

I definitely think counselling is the first step in getting to a more positive place. You've got to heal emotionally before you can move on. Good Luck x

fuzzyduck22

miss_independent wrote: »

Wow, I think I've found my brain twin - had to double check I hadn't already replied to the thread!


OP, I'm 32 and went through a horrible breakup 18 months ago which I too ended up needing counselling for. I couldn't wait as long as I would have had to as I was in a really bad place and it was affecting work etc. I paid privately in the end. The counsellor knew I didn't have a lot of money and agreed to see me every other week and charge only £30. It was worth every penny. She really helped me. Is this an option for you? There are also charities which sometimes offer free counselling - my local Women's Centre offers a course of free counselling which is immediately accessible.

Ultimately, I do want to marry and have children of my own but I now see that as the icing on the cake. I am a lot happier than I was a year ago. Being single can be fantastic - you don't really have to answer to anyone, you can go where you want and do whatever you want and I'd say that I'm more interesting now than I ever was in my last relationship. Back then I was constantly asking myself "What's wrong with me?" . A lot of people commented that when I was with him I lost a lot of myself and disappeared into him. I feel like I've found myself again and genuinely like who I am.

When I came out of that relationship, like you, I didn't really know what I wanted to do anymore. I was numb and had totally lost touch with my emotions. It was through counselling that I was able to get in touch with them again. This meant a lot of crying and getting really angry and frustrated but I had my counsellor with me, giving me permission to express all of that.

After all of that, I managed to remember things that brought me joy and I started pursuing them. Now I'm mega busy but doing loads of things that make me happy, improving my career and spiritual life, making new friends and improving upon/learning new skills. I find it pretty easy to be single now and I genuinely don't care that I'm not in a relationship most of the time.

Before, I saw being single as a curse and was always looking outside myself for someone to make me happy. Now I know I don't need someone else to make me happy - it would be nice to share the happiness with someone eventually though. I feel like I was a bit desperate before and I'd fall for anyone who would pay me even the tiniest bit of attention and affection. I'd also go for guys who had chronically low self esteem or who needed help in some way, rather than trusting I could attract someone who was emotionally healthy and could actually be supportive to me for a change. That's all changed now.

I think it takes time to get to being truly happy without being in a relationship. And there is a big difference between being happily single whilst being open to a relationship and giving up and feeling like you just have to put up with your lot.

I definitely think counselling is the first step in getting to a more positive place. You've got to heal emotionally before you can move on. Good Luck x

What a positive story . Do you think the counselling got you to where you are now? Maybe I should try that...I feel I've tried so many techniques to be happy with who I am but always have this overwhelming feeling that theres something (someone) missing. I hate feeling like this!

Tuesday_Tenor

Two offerings from a single 57 year old, who didn't have children:
(Female tenor, by the way!)

1) The happiEST times in my life have been in relationships in my 20s and 40s. I had very caring, companionable partners. The UNhappiEST times in my life were in the same relationships, as we started to want different things longer-term. (Children were a big issue). Breaking up, for whatever reasons, is always painful.

On my own, I am generally quietly happy most of the time. Sometimes VERY happy. Occasionally a little down, but never dreadfully so. I enjoy my own company. I seem to be as happy as most of my married friends, and MUCH happier than some of them.

2) You don't know what life is going to throw at you. You need to be resilient and adaptable as an individual, genuinely able to make the best of things, enjoy the good points of a situation, cope with bad stuff that can happen, and learn to be resourceful about changing things to something better when necessary.

- You might find you perfect partner but find that one or both of you can't produce children.

- You might find your perfect partner but one or both of you becomes limited in what they can do due to health problems.

- You might meet your perfect partner, have children and then your partner dies. It's happened to two of my close friends.

- You might not find the perfect partner. Would you embark on a marriage with someone who'd be a good father and a good-enough partner, in order to have the family life you want?

- Would you be prepared to have, support and bring up children on your own?

These are all daunting scenarios. If they seem overwhelmingly so, maybe you still need to do a bit more maturing on your own? Get used to planning and making decisions on your own. Do you really want to stay in London? If not, what are you going to do about it? You need to know yourself, know who you are, know what you want, know what your strengths are to achieve things, know what your weaknesses are to address them and stop them limiting your plans and actions. Any future relationship will need you to compromise a bit, but you need to be clear in your own mind what things you can compromise on and what's too important for compromise.

A third thing.

On these forums there are threads from other people which might give some food for thought for future situations.

There are lots of threads from people wondering how to find a partner.
There are also a couple of threads from people adjusting, or fearing they might have to adjust, to being childless. Search on 'childless by circumstance' . Not quite your situation, but sometimes it's helpful to consider other peoples situations, consider what's similar and what's different about your own. Can you do similar things; can you do different things?

Best wishes for your journey, wherever it takes you ..

miss_independent

fuzzyduck22 wrote: »

What a positive story . Do you think the counselling got you to where you are now? Maybe I should try that...I feel I've tried so many techniques to be happy with who I am but always have this overwhelming feeling that theres something (someone) missing. I hate feeling like this!

Thank you!

Definitely. I had that feeling something was missing and I don't anymore. With me it was rooted in childhood - I'd been physically and emotionally abused and also was my parents' parent, so I'd never really felt loved or lovable and had spent all my life looking after everyone except myself. I think that led to me choosing men who treated me badly and who needed looking after. My counsellor helped me through those issues and explained that I was "CoDependent" and once I read books about that and heard other women's stories I understood a whole lot more.

The two main things that have helped me have been my counselling and also my faith. Believing in a higher power has given me strength on the days things have been really hard. I know that people who don't have a faith are able to find other things that help keep them going. I suppose it's what gives you confidence and trust in the future. For me that was my faith and then the counselling gave me the tools I needed to move forward.

I'd highly recommend counselling. I used the BACP website to look at a few different counsellors and then contacted the one I felt I could work with best - I knew I wanted someone who used a few different approaches (she used mainly Person Centred and Gestalt Therapy and was also a Christian which was important to me as she would understand some of how I'd been raised). I wouldn't have had that choice through my GP.

Hope you manage to find that missing piece - it's within yourself, I promise!

Hermia

Tuesday_Tenor wrote: »

2) You don't know what life is going to throw at you. You need to be resilient and adaptable as an individual, genuinely able to make the best of things, enjoy the good points of a situation, cope with bad stuff that can happen, and learn to be resourceful about changing things to something better when necessary.

- You might find you perfect partner but find that one or both of you can't produce children.

- You might find your perfect partner but one or both of you becomes limited in what they can do due to health problems.

- You might meet your perfect partner, have children and then your partner dies. It's happened to two of my close friends.

- You might not find the perfect partner. Would you embark on a marriage with someone who'd be a good father and a good-enough partner, in order to have the family life you want?

- Would you be prepared to have, support and bring up children on your own?

These are all daunting scenarios. If they seem overwhelmingly so, maybe you still need to do a bit more maturing on your own? Get used to planning and making decisions on your own. Do you really want to stay in London? If not, what are you going to do about it? You need to know yourself, know who you are, know what you want, know what your strengths are to achieve things, know what your weaknesses are to address them and stop them limiting your plans and actions. Any future relationship will need you to compromise a bit, but you need to be clear in your own mind what things you can compromise on and what's too important for compromise.

All so true. It is good for everyone to learn to thrive as a singleton, even if they love being in a relationship, because you never know what life will throw at you. And even if you find your perfect mate you may still need to cope well alone. I have one friend whose husband works away a lot and another whose husband has some mental health issues that limit his social interaction. Both of these ladies have to live like single women some of the time because the alternative would be just watching life pass them by waiting for hubby to be physically or mentally available.

marisco_2

Easiest way to get over it and be able to move on is to turn the situation on its head. Not everyone that is settling down getting engaged, maybe buying property or having babies is going to get the happy ever after. Far, far better to walk away from a relationship that you know wont last the distance than get heavily involved with someone and then have life fall apart on you.


You are still so young with no dependants relying on you. Bliss. Get out there and make the most of life. Do whatever makes you happy and don't be afraid to try things and for them to sometimes not work out. Soon enough you can have all the responsibility of having a home to run and a family to care for. Once you do life is never quite the same again and you will wish that you had done all you could as a single person.

marisco_2

miss_independent wrote: »

Wow, I think I've found my brain twin - had to double check I hadn't already replied to the thread!


OP, I'm 32 and went through a horrible breakup 18 months ago which I too ended up needing counselling for. I couldn't wait as long as I would have had to as I was in a really bad place and it was affecting work etc. I paid privately in the end. The counsellor knew I didn't have a lot of money and agreed to see me every other week and charge only £30. It was worth every penny. She really helped me. Is this an option for you? There are also charities which sometimes offer free counselling - my local Women's Centre offers a course of free counselling which is immediately accessible.

Ultimately, I do want to marry and have children of my own but I now see that as the icing on the cake. I am a lot happier than I was a year ago. Being single can be fantastic - you don't really have to answer to anyone, you can go where you want and do whatever you want and I'd say that I'm more interesting now than I ever was in my last relationship. Back then I was constantly asking myself "What's wrong with me?" . A lot of people commented that when I was with him I lost a lot of myself and disappeared into him. I feel like I've found myself again and genuinely like who I am.

When I came out of that relationship, like you, I didn't really know what I wanted to do anymore. I was numb and had totally lost touch with my emotions. It was through counselling that I was able to get in touch with them again. This meant a lot of crying and getting really angry and frustrated but I had my counsellor with me, giving me permission to express all of that.

After all of that, I managed to remember things that brought me joy and I started pursuing them. Now I'm mega busy but doing loads of things that make me happy, improving my career and spiritual life, making new friends and improving upon/learning new skills. I find it pretty easy to be single now and I genuinely don't care that I'm not in a relationship most of the time.

Before, I saw being single as a curse and was always looking outside myself for someone to make me happy. Now I know I don't need someone else to make me happy - it would be nice to share the happiness with someone eventually though. I feel like I was a bit desperate before and I'd fall for anyone who would pay me even the tiniest bit of attention and affection. I'd also go for guys who had chronically low self esteem or who needed help in some way, rather than trusting I could attract someone who was emotionally healthy and could actually be supportive to me for a change. That's all changed now.

I think it takes time to get to being truly happy without being in a relationship. And there is a big difference between being happily single whilst being open to a relationship and giving up and feeling like you just have to put up with your lot.

I definitely think counselling is the first step in getting to a more positive place. You've got to heal emotionally before you can move on. Good Luck x

Such a brilliantly honest post. I am sure that it will help so many people

Person_one

marisco wrote: »

Easiest way to get over it and be able to move on is to turn the situation on its head. Not everyone that is settling down getting engaged, maybe buying property or having babies is going to get the happy ever after. Far, far better to walk away from a relationship that you know wont last the distance than get heavily involved with someone and then have life fall apart on you.


You are still so young with no dependants relying on you. Bliss. Get out there and make the most of life. Do whatever makes you happy and don't be afraid to try things and for them to sometimes not work out. Soon enough you can have all the responsibility of having a home to run and a family to care for. Once you do life is never quite the same again and you will wish that you had done all you could as a single person.

I know this is well meaning, and a lot of it is really helpful, but honestly some single people have no desire at all to 'get out there and make the most of life'. There is a bit of an idea doing the rounds that if you don't dedicate yourself to husband and children then you're supposed to be doing wonderful things and 'living life to the fullest'. i often hear it said about older unmarried women "She never married but she had an extraordinary life" as though you have to try and make up for not doing what everybody else does.

When I'm ancient and stuck in my nursing home I hope they say about me "She never married, but she had a lot of fantastic lie-ins and saw tons of films while eating ice cream straight out of the tub."