Party Etiquette

FenellaWitch

Hello,
I am after some advice regarding children's parties. I really don't want guests to give my child a gift.Is that wrong? He already has enough toys, books , etc that I really can't be doing with anymore, and to be honest , I don't want people to feel obligated to buy a gift just because their child has been invited to his party. Money is tight enough without buying a token gift just for the sake of it.
How to convey this to parents is tricky - do I say on the invitations "no present required, just yourself" which implies a gift was expected? I really don't know. I realise that this a very trivial dilemma ,but it is causing me headaches

FBaby

Been there with two children's whose birthday is after Xmas. I had enough of ending up with toys that they had no interest in whatsoever left in cupboards forever, especially knowing that at this time of the year, every £ counts.

However, I don't believe that you should tell people what to do either and it seems quite cold to put this on a party invitation, if everything making it more awkward for them as to what to do.

By that point though, we'd moved from the inviting the whole class and instead only inviting 10 or so kids, which by now I knew most parents well enough to talk to directly. So I was honest and said the above. Some said ok, and some said they couldn't possibly come with nothing, so instead asked what DD/DS wanted. When they did, I suggested a book token because they were at the age where they started to read independently and we used them to get books to read during our holidays. It became what I also gave to the kids who invited DS/DD.

Person_one

I'm afraid it is rude to tell people not to give gifts, just as it is to tell them what to get, or to ask for money instead. If they want to give something, you should accept graciously with a smile and then deal with the gifts however you wish once they've left.

FenellaWitch

Thanks,
But the thing is , I really don't want people to spend money on a gift that they feel obligated to get and will probably will not be appreciated by my my child. I have spent £££s on my child and they are just left festering in cupboards.He would rather be playing with me or on his bike , one of those children that are just not interested in toys. I live in an area where there is high unemployment, social deprivation and finances are tough. However, there is also a great sense of community and pride and to some extent a bit of "keeping up with the Jones's".

I have invited 30 children, his whole class. I know some of the parents are struggling financially and I would not want to add that extra financial pressure of feeling obligated to give a gift. My child would not care one way or another.

Person_one

Its not really up to you what other people do with their money, its nice that you want to save people from wasting it, but its a bit patronising to the less well off parents to be honest. They are capable of handling the situation themselves! Some of the presents might be regifts, or bought with vouchers, or from pound shops, or some might club together etc.

There are several problems with telling people 'no gifts'.

1. As you've already stated, it implies that gifts were expected
2. It might imply that you'd prefer cash
3. Its ungracious to reject somebody's generosity, even pre-emptively
4. People are often uncomfortable with it and some bring a gift anyway, making it uncomfortable for the ones who took you at your word and didn't.

FBaby

Person_one wrote: »

I'm afraid it is rude to tell people not to give gifts, just as it is to tell them what to get, or to ask for money instead. If they want to give something, you should accept graciously with a smile and then deal with the gifts however you wish once they've left.

If they actually ask you what to get, I think it is ruder to say nothing, and then end up with a present that is not appreciated. If I'm going to spend money on something, I much rather it will be received with appreciation and joy and used rather than wasted.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

If they actually ask you what to get, I think it is ruder to say nothing, and then end up with a present that is not appreciated. If I'm going to spend money on something, I much rather it will be received with appreciation and joy and used rather than wasted.

If somebody asks, then of course you can offer a suggestion! Its rude to tell someone what to get unprompted, as in "Its little Jimmy's birthday, please come to his party and by the way he loves lego star wars".

FBaby

I have invited 30 children, his whole class. I know some of the parents are struggling financially and I would not want to add that extra financial pressure of feeling obligated to give a gift. My child would not care one way or another.

Then try to speak to as many as possible. It clearly won't be all, but at least if it's a few, it is better than nothing if the issue is a matter of principle.

By the way, faced the same issue when I got married. I really really didn't want gifts. I didn't say anything in the invitation, but if people asked, we said we really didn't want anything and were happy with them bringing something of their choice, nothing, or donating to a charity.

It was actually interested to see what people did as some still lavished us despite what we said, and not forcibly those closest to us, whilst other did what we said and came with nothing. It made no difference to us whatsoever, we were delighted that people made the effort to come. Actually, it is even embarrassing to admit that 3 years later, we still haven't spent all the vouchers we were given because the few times we went to the shops to spend it, we just couldn't find anything we needed and couldn't resign ourselves to buy something just for the sake of it.

FBaby

Person_one wrote: »

If somebody asks, then of course you can offer a suggestion! Its rude to tell someone what to get unprompted, as in "Its little Jimmy's birthday, please come to his party and by the way he loves lego star wars".

Sorry misunderstood, totally agree with you. The above didn't even cross my mind as can't even imagine. Thankfully never faced such a situation!

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Sorry misunderstood, totally agree with you. The above didn't even cross my mind as can't even imagine. Thankfully never faced such a situation!

Oh I bet you have. Received any wedding invitations in the last few years? :cool:

FenellaWitch

I really am not being patronising, I'm sorry if it came across that way. I am in no way well off myself , and if it it weren't for the help of family , my child would not be having a party .