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Etiquette regarding discussing things that people are not invited to in front of them

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Littlebettyboop
Littlebettyboop Posts: 68 Forumite
Just wondered what peoples views are on this. Is it bad etiquette to discuss something you are invited to with other people that are invited, in front of someone who is not invited? (This is assuming you know they are not invited.)

My sister was at work last week, and there are 16 women in the workplace. 10 of them are invited to this one woman's 30th birthday party next week, my sister is not, and neither are 5 others. The other day, 4 of them started discussing what a rollicking good time they were going to have, right in my sister's company. She isn't overly bothered about being invited, but thinks it's a bit inconsiderate to discuss it very loudly around her, when she is not invited.

Also, a similar thing happened to me several years ago. I was in an office, and was one of only 3 not invited to this woman's wedding. She invited the other 11 people in the office, and all I heard was jibber jabber about the wedding for weeks. I found it a little bit hurtful, and a bit rude.

Also I have just had a conversation with a friend who was speaking to a woman in her village, and the woman's husband. (Just chatting generally.) Then a man came up who they both know.

The woman then said 'me and Pauline have elected you Bill, to drive the minibus down south to Lee and Helen's wedding. (A couple in the village...) Bill laughed and said 'oh no!' Then the three of them proceeded to blather on about Lee and Helen's wedding, and how Jack, Jim, Elsie, Linda, and Seth were looking forward to it too; saying what a great time they were all going to have.

My friend (if you have not guessed already,) is not invited. She doesn't know Lee and Helen very well, but still, my friend thought it was terrible etiquette for someone to discuss with 3 other people, an event that they are all invited to, when she isn't invited. She isn't bothered about not being invited, and didn't expect to be, but she thinks it's rude to discuss it in front of her, and ramble on about what a great time they are all going to have, when she is excluded.

I am not saying that people do it to be hurtful, but it is a bit inconsiderate IMO, and quite bad etiquette.

What are peoples views on this?
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Comments

  • If these people aren't bothered by not being invited, then why are they bothered about people talking about these events in front of them? They are possibly more bothered than they are letting on.

    In an office where the majority of people are invited, they are hardly not going to talk about the event are they? Your sister obviously can't be that close to the woman who's having her 30th birthday or else she'd have been invited.

    Bit unfair to think that they shouldn't talk about it infront of her or the others. Don't think it's inconsiderate or bad etiquette IMO.
  • iammumtoone
    iammumtoone Posts: 6,377 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary 1,000 Posts Name Dropper I've been Money Tipped!
    edited 27 March 2016 at 1:02PM
    The people who have been invited will not necessarily know who hasn't been invited.

    In the office situation, unless those involved in the conversation actually said "I'm not invited" the others discussing it would maybe assume that they didn't have anything to add, they wouldn't necessary consider silence as an indication they weren't attending.

    In the cases where people are discussing it after the event in front of those that were not there, this could be seen as a bit rude but then again how are they supposed to know that person wasn't there because they were not invited or because they just couldn't go.
  • Littlebettyboop
    Littlebettyboop Posts: 68 Forumite
    edited 27 March 2016 at 1:18PM
    The people who have been invited will not necessarily know who hasn't been invited.

    In the office situation, unless those involved in the conversation actually said "I'm not invited" the other discussing it would maybe assume that they didn't have anything to add, they wouldn't necessary consider silence as an indication they weren't attending.

    In the cases where people are discussing it after the event in front of those that were not there, this could be seen as a bit rude but then again how are they supposed to know that person wasn't there because they were not invited or because they just couldn't go.

    True. But in the case of my friend in her village today, the woman she was speaking to was with her husband and another man, and the woman knew my friend was not invited to this wedding and that she and her husband, and the other man were. So in this case, I think it was a bit rude, and bad etiquette. JMO.

    Same with my sister, the 4 people in question knew she was not invited, (as there was only her and a few others excluded,) yet they still went on about it.

    Same with me a few years back, when I was one of only 3 not invited, when everyone else was.

    So yes if people don't know who is not invited, that is different if they chat about what fun they are going to have; but if they do know they are excluded, it's rude IMO.
  • Andypandyboy
    Andypandyboy Posts: 2,472 Forumite
    I would only think the wedding thing rude if there was an expectation of being invited.

    If I knew someone hadn't been invited but both I and/or they would have reasonably expected that they would be then I wouldn't discuss the event in front of them. However, if I knew that x didn't know y at all well and I knew they had no expectation of an invite (or, if in their place I wouldn't have expected it) then I see no problem mentioning it in front of them.

    I think the office situation is a bit different. I think it is unwise to mention social events unless everyone has been asked. It causes ill feeling and affects working relations.
  • AnnieO1234
    AnnieO1234 Posts: 1,722 Forumite
    To be honest I would say, especially in e offices where all but a few haven't been invited, the bad etiquette is on the part of the person making the invites. Invite everyone, or make it clear to the invitees that not all are invited so discussions must be considerate of others feelings. Xxx
  • Littlebettyboop
    Littlebettyboop Posts: 68 Forumite
    edited 27 March 2016 at 1:19PM
    I would only think the wedding thing rude if there was an expectation of being invited.

    If I knew someone hadn't been invited but both I and/or they would have reasonably expected that they would be then I wouldn't discuss the event in front of them. However, if I knew that x didn't know y at all well and I knew they had no expectation of an invite (or, if in their place I wouldn't have expected it) then I see no problem mentioning it in front of them.


    I think the office situation is a bit different. I think it is unwise to mention social events unless everyone has been asked. It causes ill feeling and affects working relations.

    Hmmmmm good point I guess. Still seems a bit rude to me to discuss it in front of my friend when she is not invited, but I do respect your views. :)

    And yes I agree with you that the office thing is different. With my sister (and me a few years ago, ) we found it quite rude and a bit hurtful.
  • Need to pop off to pay the in-laws a visit for a bit now.

    Thanks for your input everyone.

    Look forward to see more responses later (hopefully.)

    And I don't expect everyone to agree haha. :D I think it's a bit rude and inconsiderate to chat about social events in front of people you know are not invited, but I know not everyone will agree. I guess some people are less sensitive than others.

    Thank you. :)
  • heuchera
    heuchera Posts: 1,825 Forumite
    There were 2 people at work who were disliked. We didn't discuss social events in front of these 2 members of staff (who hadn't been invited) in case they got wind of it and turned up anyway! :eek::rotfl:

    (yes, they were rude enough to do that)
    left the forum due to trolling/other nonsense
    28.3.2016
  • xbrenx
    xbrenx Posts: 962 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 500 Posts
    Sometimes conversations just happen and you don't do a head count to check if anyone shouldn't hear. Especially in work situations, unless they organise a meeting to discuss a social event it's going to take place when some uninvolved people will hear.

    Imagine if they had started talking in hushed tones or walked away to a quiet corner to carry on without the uninvited person(s). That would've led to more bad feeling.
  • pollypenny
    pollypenny Posts: 29,432 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Yes, absolutely!

    Rude and hurtful, unless the person not going was simply unable to attend.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
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