Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

Torry_Quine

Messed up you did well there, it shows how far you've come. Thinking of you for tomorrow.

System

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Messed up you did well there, it shows how far you've come. Thinking of you for tomorrow.

Thank you Torry. Ive not told anyone about it bar Swain and you guys.

Its got me thinking though. Whilst i hope not to be in that situation again it might help if it happens again. i want to ask,to everyone here, if you were in crisis, what would help? What can someone do that might make things better for you? I know its a bit of an individual thing but if theres anything that could help i'd like to know (not just for this situation, but if anyone ends up in crisis on the thread id like to know what would help make it any better).

Waves_and_Smiles

How sweet of you, MU. I am sure that the woman was thankful for your presence on some level, even if she was too distraught to express it. I think you did exactly the right thing and it is what I would have wanted. Just someone to sit with me, talking to me isn't even necessary. Just having someone there is often enough for me. Also it helps me if people take over things for me, especially in public places. Such as reassuring me that they have my bag, giving me tissues, basically making sure I feel cared for and so that I don't have to worry about practical things.

Good luck for tomorrow! I will be thinking of you.

Pyxis

Oh MessedUp, you did very well indeed!
Thank you for going to help her, and I'm sure you did! She'll remember that she wasn't alone, and it may well start on her the path to healing.

Now the thing to do is to veer away from thinking about what more you could have done, because, quite honestly, you did heaps more than most people would have done, and by telling her of your own experience, that would definitely have struck a chord with her.
If there was more you could have done, you would have done it! So you did exactly the right things!

Well done you! :T

Edit..And yes, if it were me, just having someone there who was obviously there just for me, talking to me calmly and telling me that they were there for me and would look after me for the time being, and making sure I knew I wasn't alone. If contact were possible, then perhaps a gentle stroking of my back or arm, just some light contact to show I was valued as a human being.

I've not self-harmed, so I'm not talking about that sort of incident, more if Iwere physically hurt, or extremely upset/shocked about something or extremely depressed, etc.

Waves_and_Smiles

Here is an example of the paranoia that comes with schizophrenia for you. The guy who has moved in upstairs stopped WaSp on the way out and chatted about how he cannot set up his smart tv because he doesn't have the internet yet. WaSp being the generous person he is said he would make a guest account for him using our internet for a few days until he can get his own. I am completely and utterly freaked out.

No, it isn't rational. I am upset because WaSp didn't ask me first for a start, it feels out of my control. I am paranoid to be online now someone else who I have never met is using my internet. I feel watched in everything I do even though I know that isn't true. It feels like the man might as well be in the room with me staring over my shoulder.

Within minutes of WaSp telling me I felt all of my muscles locking up as they do with a catatonic episode, I am currently trying to fight it. I have taken extra antispychotics to try and ward it off. I feel absolutely terrified and invaded and as if I might throw up at any second.

It isn't a rational response at all, but the paranoia with schizophrenia often has this effect. I calmly asked to WaSp never to do that again and always ask me first, I think if I had been in control I would feel much better now. Also, I would have likely offered the same thing if I had been given a while to think about it rather than being told this is what will happen. Instead I feel like someone has been invited into my home and will be for days and I have no choice in the matter.

I have gone from totally fine to almost catatonic on that one incident and it will be a tiny miracle if I don't have an episode now. Nothing feels real and it hurts my fingers to use the keyboard because they are locking up as is the rest of me. I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few days unless I can get a grip on the paranoia. Again, no I don't think this is a logical reaction at all, but schizophrenia doesn't care about that.

Pyxis

WaS, would it help to think of him as a new friend? What is his name?
What else do you know?

Could WaSp pop up there each day to find out the position re. his internet and maybe to get to know him a bit?

Then you would be helping a friend and that may ease the trigger?

Waves_and_Smiles

We don't even know his name, WaSp has only met him briefly once before. It would help if I knew more about him. I feel like a complete stranger might as well be living me as ridiculous as that is. I am desperately trying to figure out what the trigger is right now to get a grip on it. I don't think it's that he is using our internet, it's all caught up in the fact that something that I consider mine was given to a stranger without me having any say in the matter, which to me feels like the stranger has been invited into my life and is just suddenly there whether I want them to be or not. If the man had asked me instead of WaSp I would have said yes, but then I would have met him rather than him being this faceless person and I wouldn't feel that I had no choice.

Of course, there may not be any way of rationalising it. Schizophrenia is an illness and not logical for the most part, the hallucinations aren't logical so chances are this can't be rationalised either. I just know I feel absolutely terrified, the feeling is extreme fear and it isn't an exaggeration to say I even feel violated. Just terrified.

Pity poor WaSp who is sitting in silent horror in the corner wondering what on earth he's done to me. It's not his fault, he was just being kind. But then it's not my fault that I happen to have this condition that makes me incredibly paranoid when things are sprung on me involving strangers either. I can't even move my head or legs, all of my muscles are just locking up and I am trying desperately to hang onto reality here.

All I can do right now is constantly tell me that this won't hurt me, it feels like I am in danger but schizophrenia lies. I am just so scared and I know I have no reason to be and my mind just wants to go away.

System

I think Pyxis' advice is good. It might help if you can let yourself not see this new neighbor as a threat. Obviously right now hes's a stranger to you, and that has set things off with making you feel out of control. Rationally this guy cannot see what you're doing on the internet. He;s not tracking you, he's not stalking you. This is what the paranoia wants you to think. But its not true. I understand that when your brain is telling you one thing its very hard to step back and not listen to it.

I do sometimes get paranoia. At one point i was convinced that old people were spying on me for the government. This was back when i was on esa. I was scared to leave the house cos i beelived the old people were government spies trying to catch me police do it as well for me, at time when i hear a police siren i automatically think they are coming after me. Its happened when ive been at Swain's. he usually just tries to calm me down and explain i;ve done nothing wrong, so logically why would the police come after me?

Maybe its a good time to try and think of it logically (Like Spock is you know Star Trek ). This guy has just moved in and he;s a stranger, but WaSP has alrready made himself known to this guy. The guy is pribably just thankful that someone is kind enough to let him borrow their internet. I highly doubt he means you any harm. he's just a guy. Maybe if WaSP can get to know him or talk to him it might put you at ease because instead of being a stranger he'll be a neighbour WasP knows and that is less scary than a stranger right?

You'll be ok WaS, hopefully the extra antipsychotics you took will ease off a bit of the tension.

Pyxis

I know it'd be a step too far to ask him in for a cup of tea, but could WaSp ask him to send you an email? Just a bit of chat?

Also, if he's new to the block, is he new to the area as well? Could you start up a dialogue about helping him get to know the area?

Waves_and_Smiles

When I was really ill I used to think there were cameras and listening devices in my flat, MU. Thankfully those days are past but a sudden trigger can still happen, especially if it is a situation I have never been in before like this.

That's an idea, Pyxis. The fact I don't even know what he looks like really isn't helping. He is probably a really nice, ordinary person but to me he is a stranger without a face which is a big trigger.

Poor WaSp just said he feels terrible and he had no idea that offering our internet would have caused me to react like this. That makes two of us! Because this situation has never happened before it has caught me totally unawares, that's the joys of schizophrenia, you never know when a new incident will suddenly completely freak you out!

What it feels like to me is this man has now looked through all of my things, has touched everything I own and is in my flat and is refusing to leave. Obviously, I know none of that is true, but the emotions are just the same as if that had happened. I just want to barricade the doors and windows and hide in the bathroom until he no longer has access, I am so scared and I have no idea how I am going to get through days of this.

The good news is that talking about it seems to be helping, my muscles are looser so hopefully I am not about to slip into catatonia. Thank you for listening to me, I can't discuss it anymore with WaSp because he is already quietly hanging himself so it wouldn't be fair to keep telling just how terrible I feel.