Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

heartbreak_star

I'm odd with buses after I got pawed on one and the driver yelled at ME when I rounded on the guy :O so I understand!

Sadly I'm down with a chest infection and on holiday comedown which is poo. Meds knocking me out then keeping me awake haha!

Job hunt still ongoing too...*sigh*

Bet you helped him become so awesome

EDIT: My brain has decided I need to learn how to darn socks...

HBS x

Waves_and_Smiles

Aw, I'm sorry HBS. Hopefully the chest infection clears up soon.

That is awful! What a horrid bus driver! I have absolutely no chance of getting on a bus, it has been over 12 year since I was last on one.

Good luck with job hunt. I bet there is a good one waiting for you!

Hahahaha! I am not sure about making him awesome, I probably contributed to a few headaches though!

Waves_and_Smiles

Don't mind me, an afternoon nap turned into a 6 hour sleep so now I am ready to start the day at 2am, WaSp has gone to bed and I have no one to talk to. What does forgiveness mean to you?

It was something WaSp and I were discussing earlier because WaSp has a friend who feels he needs to forgive someone to move on and both he and WaSp see that as liking the person again and letting go of your feelings of injustice and wrongdoing. Often resulting in talking it through and resuming some kind of a relationship even if you grit your teeth sometimes which makes it impossible if the other person no longer wants contact. In the above case the person who hurt WaSp's friend no longer wants to be in touch so the friend feels they cannot forgive because they can't be heard.

In therapy I was taught a totally different meaning for forgiveness. I see it as learning acceptance that for whatever reason the other person had a desire to act in a way that they did and realising that although it might have caused you pain that they felt it was right for them at the time. I did a lot of work in therapy on this and learnt that to forgive someone I didn't have to like someone's behaviour or like the person. I could still very much believe that they were wrong and have no wish to ever talk to them again, I just accepted that their actions were about what they felt they needed to do, I had no control over their personal choice and I couldn't change that.

It never meant I would have to see their actions as justifiable, just that I could accept they chose to make that choice at the time as was their right, just as it was my right to respond however I wished. Through that I found a lot of peace and much of my anger and feelings of injustice slipped away.

It goes back 'I am not that powerful', I cannot control someone else's thoughts and actions but I can accept that they did what they felt that they needed to do for them, I can't control that and therefore I can let it go.

WaSp had never heard forgiveness described that way but it was standard for most of my therapy and is always how I consider forgiveness. It is something I try to use in a lot of my relationships with people. I may not agree and I might be hurt by something they have done or said but I cannot control them and that is ok and as it should be. I can accept that, that is how they see a situation and that it might be dissimilar to my view and I have a choice to either try to find a compromise, accept their view or walk away. They have the same choice and sometimes it won't work out and that is also ok.

However it turns out, I will try to accept, forgiveness doesn't have to result in sunshine and flowers and a lot of people seem to raise the bar too high so that it is impossible to reach. Acceptance, realising your negative feelings are only hurting you and learning to move on is enough.

Lambyr

I'm not that fond of driving myself, but I have a car. I passed my test when I was 17 but never bothered getting a car for a long time. Eventually though, as mum's condition worsened it made sense to get one just cos then if there's an emergency, I can probably get her to a hospital quicker than an ambulance would be able to get here. Similarly, for some things, like docs appointments, or taking the dog to the vets I can drive her. I was rather fortunate in that mum contributed to the car cost from her savings so I didn't have to get finance and my insurance premium is fairly low so I can just about afford to run it.

But tbh other than taking the car out for thirty minutes every week or so to keep the engine ticking over, I haven't bothered driving much. Get prescriptions and groceries delivered and do most other shopping online.

That said when E and I became serious, I started to feel bad that she was always the one driving to see me. So I did offer to pick her up but she said that would be daft cos then I'd be making two full round trips whereas she only has to make the one. Instead we agreed that she would drive to me but then whenever we went out I will do the driving.

I try and take her out somewhere for an hour(ish) every Saturday now when she's here whether that's the park or a pub lunch or something. Because of our circumstances it's hard for us to do proper dates but I feel better being able to take her out, though I know she wouldn't pressure me to do it cos back when we were just friends, and before I got a car, it was always a case that she would drive to me.

Your psychiatrist sounds wonderful, WaS. I've had varying experiences with therapists, myself. The last one though was a really nice guy. Still kinda miss him.

PENGUIN (severe physical injury, emotional insecurity):
I remember this one time I cried during a session. I have some pretty deep-seated aversions to displaying such vulnerability that I do not cry in front of anyone. I didn't even cry at my dad's funeral (did plenty of crying in my bedroom when I was alone). Unfortunately, the following week I was a complete cow because I felt so vulnerable and humiliated that I had cried in front of him.

It's complete nonsense that I would feel that way, I know. My own family made me feel weak and pathetic because I dared cry having ripped my knee out of its socket - not my mum and dad, I should say, but the wider family. Not to blow my own trumpet but I was a really good hockey player in high school. Our school won local and national championships. I had these dreams of representing GB at the Olympics... dunno if anything would ever have come of that but one accident during a game, my leg's ruined, my dreams are shattered, and it was two years or so of physio before I could walk without crutches, and still several operations to go after that. I cried. And I was chastised for doing so. Told only quitters cry, only weaklings cry. So I guess part of me resolved never, ever to let anyone see me do that again.

And then when I cried in front of my therapist, everything came back. I was awful to him in that following session. The most spiteful, ungrateful little horror that I could be. He just sat there quietly and took all the venom that I could spew at him until I ran out of energy and then just asked how things had been that week, as if I hadn't just been berating him for half an hour. When I asked why on Earth he took that nonsense from me and didn't just discharge me or fob me off on another therapist, he said that I'd just spent half an hour asking for help and he wasn't going to abandon me.

END OF PENGUIN

I really should probably try and get some sleep but it's just started chucking it down so that's going to be difficult! Sorry for babbling on and on!

Hope the chest infection clears up soon, HBS. And good luck with the job hunt

Waves_and_Smiles

Penguin reply to Lambyr Aw, what a lovely therapist to realise you were crying out for help! I threatened to throw an ashtray at mine once! She just smiled and nodded and I burst out laughing.

I am very similar with crying, I do cry but not in front of anyone, including WaSp. This goes back to age 15 when I finally broke down in front of my mother and told her I couldn't take anymore abuse and I had no strength left to care for her. I was pretty hysterical and just wailing, completely at the end of my tether. She looked at me coldly and smiled, I have never forgotten how cold her eyes were. She said I had never complained before so it couldn't be that much of a problem and that she could see through my crocodile tears. She then turned her back and watched tv. That is when I stopped crying in front of people and I have never returned to it unless I am so distressed that I just can't help it. End penguin reply

I have been exceptionally lucky with my therapists and psychiatrists, there was only one psychiatrist and CPN who were working together who I didn't get on with at all. Their immediate reaction the first time they saw me was why is a catatonic schizophrenic living outside of residential care and that I was too ill to advocate for myself with my string of diagnoses. They talked constantly about admitting me to hospital indefinitely so I literally fled London and moved elsewhere, there was no way I was letting them section me because the text book said it was impossible for me to be coping when I was coping very well, thank you!

Fortunately my new psychiatrist here agreed that I am doing fine and there is no need for me to be hospitalised although he did say I am an unusual case because he wouldn't expect that someone with my degree of mental health problems would be coping as well.

This is down to having a psychology degree and working as a therapist myself and having met some amazing professionals along the way who went the extra mile for me again and again. That combined with a successful medication regime, WaSp being here for me and the fact I began long term therapy when I was 13 means I have a huge amount of coping strategies and have learnt how to monitor myself.

The biggest compliment was from my childhood psychotherapist when I was 21 who said you don't need to see me anymore, you are a mirror of me now. It was such a lovely and encouraging thing to say.

Even though I might be an exception I would still say to anyone with severe mental health problems ignore the text book jargon and try as hard as you can to get better, it doesn't matter if the written odds are against you, work on defying those odds. Never ever give up, you never know what you might be capable of being and there are professionals out there who will support you. Never give up looking for them.

Waves_and_Smiles

I look like I need a blog today. Shut up whittering on WaS! :rotfl:

Torry_Quine

I'm here, not sleeping as normal
Forgiveness is a really powerful thing and you summed it up well WaS. Its about not letting what happened control you anymore or be identified by being bitter about something. As you said you don't have to like the person or have anything to do with them and they still hurt you but you have decided to move on. It can be hard but worth it.
S

Pyxis

..he said that I'd just spent half an hour asking for help and he wasn't going to abandon me.

Lambyr, that last sentence made me cry. :A



I've only had one experience of a psychotherapist, and it wasn't a good one. To this day, I don't know whether his approach was a 'method', or whether it was just him being obnoxious. If the former, it didn't work, just made me worse, and if the latter, well, just my luck!

heartbreak_star wrote: »

EDIT: My brain has decided I need to learn how to darn socks...

HBS x

Hiya!
That's a funny thing for your brain to decide!

I was taught how to darn socks, (and holes in clothes generally), at school, when I was about 12.

Well, I say I was taught. Actually, I was shown how to do it, and I tried, I really tried.
And kept trying, right up to adulthood.

But every time, the darn ended up looking worse than the hole! :rotfl:

So I gave up.

And just went and bought new socks.

codemonkey

Is there much point in darning socks anymore? I suppose if they're good quality wool socks. My socks are all pretty rubbish. I try to throw holey ones away but they're wiley and end up in the laundry sometimes. Then I wear them again and think 'hmm better throw them out' and somehow they end up in the laundry pile again. Actually holey socks make decent dusters.

Finally got an appointment with the GP. Ring back doesn't work on their line so I kept calling, getting the engaged tone and calling straight back immediately and after 10 minutes of that I got through. I nearly threw a party when I heard the ringing. :rotfl:

onomatopoeia99

Waves_and_Smiles wrote: »

Shut up whittering on WaS! :rotfl:

Please keep wittering on! Your "blog" posts and the insight they bring are fascinating, and have certainly hugely increased my awareness of how MH conditions affect people's lives, in a way that TV news reporting never has.