What are we saving FOR?

Errata

As Tomsmum points out, son and daughter spend their wages on fags and booze, so it seems to me entirely appropriate for mum and dad to point out - whenever necessary - they will spend their wages on whatever they damn well please.
I hope the kids attitude starts to change, they are reaching an age when they should be thinking of their parents comfort, not the other way round.
Still, families are families and will continue to love each other whilst at the same time disapproving of unacceptable behaviour.

daisyroots_2

Just want to say I despise Tomsmum's children's attitude, but sadly it's one I've come across before. Some people talk quite openly about what they expect to achieve from the sale of their parent's house once they're dead, and one man I knew quite well told me it was the only reason he kept in contact with his parents, as he didn't particularly like them !

I started a thread (on this Silver Savers board) on the subject of my very frail, 92 year old Ma, who sold her house about 15 years ago, and the capital has been paying for her care ever since. Now that it is running out, Social Services want to move her to a cheaper home, even though they acknowledge that the move will probably hasten her death. My sister and I are having to decide now whether to allow her to be moved, or to rob our own pension funds.

Two things about my Ma: she put us into care when we were very small, and did not have us home again till we were 15 and 16. We both get fed up with people saying "Well, she looked after you when you were little" No she didn't. But that doesn't mean that we don't want her cared for properly. We don't like her much (nobody does, really) but we love her in that way you do with flesh and blood. But that's not the issue, we do not want our own children to see us treating our parent less than well. It's up to us to set a good example. My sister and I were very unlucky with our parents, but our children and grandchildren are stars

Secondly, she's a life long socialist and always told us we would inherit nothing from her, so we've never expected anything. We always thought we'd have to make our own way, and we have. As it happens, she left us everything in her Will, but as that "everything" is now very little, it's irrelevant, and I'm quite glad, I don't really want her money.

Can I suggest you take out an insurance policy for continuing care, Tomsmum ? Just in case you don't die young, and you find yourselves in the position we are in now, with your children deciding whether to top up the Nursing Home Fees with their own money, or to send you off to a cheaper home where you have to sleep in a dormitory.

In case you're wondering, we're still hoping to keep her where she is, but trying to get Social Services to stump up a bit more.

Errata

Good luck and best wishes Daisy. Perhaps it all boils down to duty - quite an old fashioned concept, but still a moral one.

Bogof_Babe

Daisyroots, my mum is 92 also, and is in a lovely care home that we were lucky enough to get a room in last year after my dad died. He left a reasonable estate, and we (my sister and I) are committed to ensuring that mum can spend the rest of her days there, and if it leaves us with nothing in the long run, well so be it. All we worry about now is that the Home will close down or something, but there's not much we can do about that.

As for the original question - I remember when I was in my 30's and working, one of my colleagues asking that very question i.e. what was I saving for, and looking a bit bewildered when I said it was to pay off the mortgage and retire early.

I wonder where (not whether) she is working now .

I'm still saving btw, but mainly to ensure that I can go into a care home as nice as mum's, should the need arise.

EdInvestor

TomsMom wrote: »

So at the moment they can both whistle. I shall spend as much as I can while I am able. If I still have a house when I'm nearing my time I may have changed my will by then and leave it all to the grandchildren instead or maybe the cats' home

IF you really want to freak them out, start talking about equity release, how comforting it is to know that you have enough to finance your care at a good standard if necessary etc etc.....;)

TomsMom

daisyroots wrote: »

Can I suggest you take out an insurance policy for continuing care, Tomsmum ? Just in case you don't die young, and you find yourselves in the position we are in now, with your children deciding whether to top up the Nursing Home Fees with their own money, or to send you off to a cheaper home where you have to sleep in a dormitory.

Good idea daisyroots. May look into this.

Also want to say I'm glad I'm not in your situation, I honestly don't know if I could handle it as you are doing. Good luck to you.

And to everyone who has commented on my situation, thank you for your support.

Both hubby and I are not the sort who like confrontation and prefer to keep the peace. I don't want huge rows or to fall out with either of my children. I'm the sort who couldn't move away and have no-one near, I need my family around me.

I've been to visit my own mom today (she's 83) who lives over 3 hours drive away. She's actually quite a strong and independent woman. She lost dad 16 years ago and her second partner a couple of years ago. She lives on her own with my brother just 5 minutes drive away from her. He doesn't visit her often but is there if she needs him. She wont move to come and live near me. She told me today that as the years go by she is feeling more and more lonely and misses her partner more as each day goes by. She has a good neighbour but no "friends" as such, she is not the sort who would pop round to anyone's for a cuppa and a chat, never has been, but that's her choice. It saddens me and I don't want this to be my situation in years to come.

I hope things will settle down soon and this apparent greed my children are showing goes away. I hope that they, like me, will begin to understand how things are for others as they get older. I used to think my mom was self-centred, now I can see it differently, she's not - she lives on her own with no-one else to have to think about. I've never had a cross word with my mom since I was a teenager, I would never say anything to hurt her so fingers crossed my two will start to show that sort of respect for us.

By the way Margaret, I'm sorry to have hijacked your thread

margaretclare

TomsMom wrote: »

I've been to visit my own mom today (she's 83) who lives over 3 hours drive away. She's actually quite a strong and independent woman. She lost dad 16 years ago and her second partner a couple of years ago. She lives on her own with my brother just 5 minutes drive away from her. He doesn't visit her often but is there if she needs him. She won't move to come and live near me. She told me today that as the years go by she is feeling more and more lonely and misses her partner more as each day goes by. She has a good neighbour but no "friends" as such, she is not the sort who would pop round to anyone's for a cuppa and a chat, never has been, but that's her choice. It saddens me and I don't want this to be my situation in years to come.

I can understand how she feels. She's used to living with a partner, whether married to your late Dad, or a second 'partner'. I was widowed after 35 years and the next 5 years were incredibly hard - redundant coincidental with widowhood, scratching for a living where and when I could, struggling to pay the mortgage and keep the roof above my head. Then I met DH, 10 years ago, the rest is history....It's so different living with a close partner. Sharing jokes, someone to reach out to if you're scared in the night, if you have a bad dream, someone to share everything with. Popping round to someone for a cuppa and chat does not fill the bill - do people still do that, anyway? I don't know what DH would do if I die first, he's not really used to the experience of being bereaved of someone he loves so closely, but equally, I don't think I could face a second widowhood. It doesn't bear thinking of.

By the way Margaret, I'm sorry to have hijacked your thread

Don't give it a thought. You've added an interesting perspective and another strand to the discussion. We are fortunate in many ways because I know for certain that no one is looking at us for any 'inheritance' - grrr, perish the thought.

We have 2 builders here this morning putting up our brick garden wall between us and next-door, the other half of the semi. Cost: £1100. Next thing - what to do about the front drive. One thing we don't know is where the water-pipes run, we can't take the risk of having the present drive dug up and excavated with machinery and maybe fracture the 1932s water-supply pipe. We have someone from Essex & Suffolk Water coming on Thursday morning to trace the pipe-run for us, there are no records so we've had to pay to get it traced.

As Bogof_Babe says, if we ever do need a care home (please God not!) we'd want to be able to afford a better-quality one than the 'lowest common denominator' that Social Services are able to provide. DH is a great believer in 'you get what you pay for' in this world, he says that money doesn't bring happiness but it does buy you choice, and neither of us is used to being dictated to and told what we can have and what someone else thinks is good for us. 'Not herd animals' is the way he puts it, which is why we don't go for package holidays, coach tours and the like.

Best wishes

Margaret

Errata

Tomsmum, the kids may well mature with age - we all do, and start to see things differently. It's worth remembering that memories of something horrible someone has said to us get deeply embedded, whilst many of the nice things don't.
Margaret, we all have to cut our cloth to our financial and emotional needs and abilities and none of us can know what the future holds or how we'll feel about it when it arrives.
Care Homes: I've said and written many harsh things about them, and whilst cost is an issue, because in the course of work I visit many across the country, the thing that makes a difference isn't ££££££££ it's the management, staff and ambience.

margaretclare

Errata wrote: »

Margaret, we all have to cut our cloth to our financial and emotional needs and abilities and none of us can know what the future holds or how we'll feel about it when it arrives.

Yes, I'm well aware of this. That's why DH and I live life to the full and give thanks for every day that dawns. Things have happened in my life that I couldn't possibly have foreseen - getting together with DH, my younger daughter's death, a whole host of things. Growing up in poverty, then being more 'comfortable' and able to save in my 70s than ever before, that's a surprise!

We do 'cut our cloth according...' that's why we're still saving!!

Margaret

EdInvestor

Errata wrote: »

Care Homes: I've said and written many harsh things about them, and whilst cost is an issue, because in the course of work I visit many across the country, the thing that makes a difference isn't ££££££££ it's the management, staff and ambience.

Ever considered writing a "Good Care Home" guide? Including a bit of info on the best way to pay for them?