Sensitive housing matter following bereavement

moneyistooshorttomention

FredsMom wrote: »

He's not in uni, it's a local college, theoretically he could finish this year (May/June), find a full time job and do his next year as an evening course but this seems too much of a challenge.

"Too much of a challenge" to spend a year studying for his future in the evening!!! Words fail me....

At his age - he has plenty of years ahead of him to get that "investment of time" back in value. Add that plenty of people do have to study in their sparetime to further their career. My father studied in middle age for his future. He spent his spare time over the course of a year (on top of having his family of wife and 2 kids) studying of an evening for the qualifications he needed to get into teacher training college. Having got those qualifications - he then went to the teacher training college and re-trained as a teacher. Studies finished - he then got a teacher job. So - plenty of people do....

...and you would think he would want to set a good example to his child-to-be (ie being able to tell them in their later years that he did this).

paddy's_mum

FredsMom wrote: »

he's 20 and he knows best..

I suspect that this, unfortunately, is the real root of the problem.

Whatever you do, there will be trouble and long term damage but the need to be fair to yourself and to your other children is your only real option, in my view.

Being mollycoddled and protected from the very real consequences of his own choices is not going to help your son to grow up.

I wish you wisdom and good luck.

jackyann

I broadly agree with dancingfairy & silver car. It's not that I disagree with the other posters who say he shouldn't expect to live rent-free - it's that this is a really difficult time for everyone.
You are all grieving, you are all going through very difficult times. And there is a baby due, who will be all the better for not having a stressed mother.

Personally I would not see it as "unfair" to your other children to give a grace period. I wouldn't say exactly what you are going to do yet - just say that long-term it would be unfair, short-term you are OK to help.
It is not clear at what point he can expect to get a job - can you discuss that with him and set a time-scale that takes into account your own needs?

It may be that if they need to claim HB, they really can't unless they move out. I would just hope that in a month or two, as everyone settles down, a calmer solution could be found.

With a number of children / family members with different needs, we have kept an approximate tally over the years of "gifts" so it all evens out in the long run.

I do hope you can find a way to help each other through this and be fair to all, including yourself.

Mojisola

FredsMom wrote: »

My situation is that I have recently been left my mum's home following her passing away last month.

The executor of the will is in the process of dealing with probate so the house has not been legally transferred to me yet.

FredsMom wrote: »

The executor, mum's brother, is unaware of the discord but I will be seeing him in a few days and will let him know.

Do you actually want the house? If not, why not ask the executor to put the house up for sale and just have the money.

getmore4less

How big is this place? if he lives there with your parents is bigger than he now needs even with GF and baby.

I skipped the last few posts so it may have come up anyway.

One route is become a proper landlady, and rent the place out to the max if there are other rooms, he can live ther rent free but he is not having all of it if to himself if is big enough for more people.

Perhaps your other kid(s) if staying local might be good to share also rent free so they get similar benefits.

RAS

I think the first issue is that the executor is legally responsible for the premises at the moment and really the Op does not have the legal responsibility for the property.

The executor should be insuring the property and dealing with the legal side of things. Does he even understand? have you and the lad's dad sat down and had a heart to heart?

ampersand

Hello FredsMom -
I'll just put kettle on for you, too - hot beverage of choice :-)
Suspect you need this.
#
From your #25:
'He sees his future as more time at college ( he is on the third course in 4 years and doesn't comprehend the idea of evening classes while working a full-time job).

I infer that he is flitting, that these different stabs at College are not related to one another in subject, long-term goal or actual potential/ability.

Learning to deal with any grief, assumed necessary or real, is part of life-learning and growing up. He hasn't yet.
[As I read of pregnancy, was unclear at first whether it was g/f's or g/f's mother's.]

Set and take the rent.
If you wish, declare it as carrot-and-stick arrangement for succeeding well at College and obtaining job.
#
RAS - I read 'His father and I have been split for about 15 years yet we are very good friends and he visits every week, the poor guy is mortified at our son's behaviour and has tried to talk to him but to no avail.'
Would a brick wall joint approach be worth a try?

I, too, am concerned that your Uncle fully understands the mechanics of his responsibilities, limits and powers as Executor.

He has lost his sister: you have lost your Mum, other equally weighty matters to one side.

mumps

FredsMom wrote: »

Thanks again Yorkshireman99,

That is exactly how I feel at the moment.There's nothing like a Yorkshire man to tell the truth eh?

As his mother I am trying to take into account his grief and uncertainty about his future but as his mother I am also dealing with his complete lack of respect and failure to understand that we have to pay for what we want. I know which once will win in the not too distant future.

If he has been living with his grandmother since he was 12 he is probably feeling very lost at the moment. Presumably they were very close? It is a sad situation, he has lost someone who was almost a mother to him and is about to become a father, his parents are divorcing big events to deal with so close together and on top of that he probably has exams coming up at college. Maybe cut him a bit of slack until the baby is born and they get themselves a bit sorted. Council tax shouldn't be a worry if they are both students and they won't need to pay it but you do need to sort something out about the other bills.

All families are different and only you know how much this is all impacting on him.

mumps

jackyann wrote: »

I broadly agree with dancingfairy & silver car. It's not that I disagree with the other posters who say he shouldn't expect to live rent-free - it's that this is a really difficult time for everyone.
You are all grieving, you are all going through very difficult times. And there is a baby due, who will be all the better for not having a stressed mother.

Personally I would not see it as "unfair" to your other children to give a grace period. I wouldn't say exactly what you are going to do yet - just say that long-term it would be unfair, short-term you are OK to help.
It is not clear at what point he can expect to get a job - can you discuss that with him and set a time-scale that takes into account your own needs?

It may be that if they need to claim HB, they really can't unless they move out. I would just hope that in a month or two, as everyone settles down, a calmer solution could be found.

With a number of children / family members with different needs, we have kept an approximate tally over the years of "gifts" so it all evens out in the long run.

I do hope you can find a way to help each other through this and be fair to all, including yourself.

Very thoughtful post jackyann and sound advice I think.

The issue of fairness with children is always complicated, I have 4 and refuse to get into debates about if I am being fair well I did they are old enough to know better now. This son is obviously in a different position to his siblings, for a start off they didn't have to move out at 12 to make room for others and its hardly his fault if he regards gran's house as his home.

It's not an easy one but as jackyann says it all tends to even out in the end with fairness.

Just to add I have two houses I let to family members,they do pay rent but below market rent, one family moved in when they were in dire financial trouble after a business failure and we let them stay rent free for six months. We had inherited the house but did have a mortgage as it needed alot of work done on it but their rent covers the mortgage and I have been told many times, on MSE as well as in real life, that I should get a market rent but honestly some things are worth more than money.