Husband is depressed... Help...

giddypenguin

gabriel1980 wrote: »

Why is someone always a troll when they give a differing opinion?! Anyway, in this case it doesn't sound like an affair, but I was just highlighting the possibility.

I specifically said I didn't think that post was a troll- although it was slightly heartlessly said. I don't think every different opinion = troll, was just making the point there seem to be a few on the MSE boards.

Thank you for your comments Primrose. I think you hit the nail on the head - he keeps telling himself what he should be doing (working, having fun with the kids, tidying, helping me out etc) then beating himself up and feeling further guilt that he can't do it.

The GP gave him a self-referral information sheet for some therapy, told him to leave it a week then think about it. I will try and nudge him towards it as I think there are a lot of things he needs to talk through ('interesting' childhood and premature death of his dad). He thinks it'll be a waste of time as he wont be able to open up - but I suspect once he starts talking about this stuff the flood gates will open and he won't be able to stop.

yllop1101

Hi giddypenguin.
You ate your husband are clearly going through a very difficult period.
You have both done the right thing in speaking out, and he has made a really important first step to seeking help.

I don't have much more advice to give other than...
1. Antidepressants can take 6 weeks + to kick in and even then he may need his dose adjusting or changing to a different type. Some can also increase suicidal thoughts so keep the open dialogue with him and assure him it's just a side effect of the tablets and they will go.

2. Regarding his talking therapy, he will likely be offered CBT which won't be so much talking about his past. He may be relieved to hear it's about dealing with the here and now first and learning strategies to improve his mood. Much less scary than the imagined lying on a couch delving into the past.

Dads can get post natal depression too and it's really not recognised enough. CALMzone is a good website for males with depression. Sites on paternal post partum depression may also be helpful:http://www.postpartummen.com/depression.htm

Good luck to you both, it's clear that you fully support him and that will really help him get through it.

As an aside, I am a psychologist that works in primary care, so I kinda know my stuff

SailorSam

gabriel1980 wrote: »

he could be having an affair - sometimes changes in mood are related to you and a potential new partner. Would explain his reluctance to see a GP

Happy Larry. You know how to cheer people up, don't you.

Primrose

Giddypenguin. You have probably both set high standards for yourselves as parents withiut taking fully to account how much "real life" gets in the way and ambushes us all the time. So reassure him regularly that you're not holding him to account. Lots of ressuring hugs may help so he understands his current inability cope is not destabilising your marriage (even though you are finding it difficult to cope yourself at the moment. )

Could you try and get some gentle exercise out walking this weekend together if the weather is nice? Just being outdoors might help to lift his mood and provide a small base from which to aim for more small improvements, because depressions don't suddenly cure overnight.

If he has difficult issues in his past to confront, encourage him to talk but also encourage him to believe that the future is under his control so that history doesn't have to repeat itself. It's often the feeling of helplessness which robs people of the energy to move forward so come up with tiny moves you can take to ensure he can move on and not continually carry his past as a burden on his shoulders. You and your young family have the power to redirect your future based on your decisions, not those of somebody in his past.

And while the pressure is getting to you do the minimum housework you can get away with to create small quality time breaks for yiurself. The dust will still be here in a thousand years and does it really matter if yiu make a grubby shirt last for another day? Your mental and physical health is more important so be gentle with yourselves until this present phase has passed.

Mojisola

giddypenguin wrote: »

I think I just need to get things off my chest, I would usually talk to my mum or friends, but DH has expressly asked me not to talk to them so I feel a bit gagged.

This is a problem because it stops you asking for extra help from the very people who could be ready to muck in.

Could you ask for some extra input from them by saying that you are both feeling the strain?

thriftyemma

giddypenguin wrote: »

Just got back from the doctors- she was very sympathetic. Wanted to sign DH off from work for a month, but he was reluctant (doesn't want them knowing what's wrong) so he's got a couple of weeks off instead. She also gave him a prescription (IMO a bit premature, but DH asked for it) hopefully things will look up soon...

Try not to look at the medication as a negative thing. If you had a cold, you would take a lemsip. While I am simplifying it, it's kinda the same thing. Antidepressants treat the symptoms, they are not a cure. The antidepressants should ease the symptoms, and help OH get in to a better frame of mind, so he is strong enough to 'treat' the underlying cause. That may take the form of CBT, other talking therapies, mindfulness classes, among other things.

When I was suffering from PND, my mental health nurse was keen for me to follow a set path. Medication first, and then mindfulness classes. Both were designed to help me cope with the 'symptoms', but they would not fix the problem on their own. Once I was strong enough, I then saw a therapist, who helped me understand where my deep seated lack of self esteem came from. It helped to know the reasons why I felt like I did. Then, I had CBT, which like a previous poster said, is designed to make you think in the here and now. To deal with things as they happen, and to retrain your mind on how you respond to stress.

Obviously, every person will have their own 'journey', but OH needs to stick with whatever his doctor, and himself, thinks is best. Best wishes OP, and take care of yourself too.

charliewocka

thriftyemma wrote: »

Try not to look at the medication as a negative thing. If you had a cold, you would take a lemsip. While I am simplifying it, it's kinda the same thing.

Exact same thing has been said to me. I was on ADs a few years ago (actually to treat another illness but the side effect was they worked on my slight depression too!). I've just got a referral to a psychiatrist to discuss where I am at the moment and my appointment is on 23rd, and my GP said that they will discuss what's going on and decide if ADs are needed then. She was saying that depression is an illness due to chemical imbalance, and if I have to take them to kickstart me getting out of my current situation then it's a good thing as it will allow me to gain the strength to progress. In the meantime, recommended to get gentle exercise, make sure I'm eating lots of small meals (not to stress my body further by starving or binging) and try to remind myself that this is a period that I want to get out of and will get out of.


Wishing you all the very best
X

groovy_chick

Penguin, I think it is wonderful that you and your husband have such a strong relationship and that he has been able to confide in you.

My daughter suffers from depression and it has been a huge learning curve for me. Please don't underestimate how hard it is for you to give him the support he needs and please try to recognise that you might need someone to help you emotionally too. Sometimes you will feel helpless, like you can't do anything right and like you don't know what to say for the best. I wanted to give you some advice based on what I have learned...

Please don't take it personally - your husbands depression is not your fault. It is like any other illness that needs to be treated.

If he has a good day but then gets low again, it doesn't mean it wasn't a good day. I used to beat myself up because I might have gone to a lot of effort to do something special that my daughter appeared to enjoy, then she would be depressed at the end of the day anyway. In fact, I had achieved a good day even though the depression was always still there waiting.

Please take some time to read online about the things you should or shouldn't say to a person with depression. This really helped me; for example you shouldn't tell them how much it hurts you to see them sad - this just adds guilt to their list of awful feelings.

Lastly, in my experience there is always a long waiting list to see a Counsellor - so maybe encourage your husband to get on the list sooner rather than later - he can always cancel it if he changes his mind later on.

Keep talking - I have a family support worker who listens to all of my worries and reassures me that I am doing a good job, that re-assurance really helps.

All the best

GC x

Mojisola

giddypenguin wrote: »

I have to admit (and I feel awful about this, especially as I've struggled with eating disorders before so have some experience of how he feels) that I can't shake an angry feeling. I don't think I'm angry with him, just the situation- I'm dealing with a 3 month old and a 2 year old, more or less on my own, plus the housework, finances etc. I'm completely knackered and just want my happy husband back.

groovy_chick wrote: »

Please don't underestimate how hard it is for you to give him the support he needs and please try to recognise that you might need someone to help you emotionally too. Sometimes you will feel helpless, like you can't do anything right and like you don't know what to say for the best. I wanted to give you some advice based on what I have learned...

Please don't take it personally - your husbands depression is not your fault. It is like any other illness that needs to be treated.

Emotional and practical help - giddypenguin, do try to get others to share the load a bit. You will be able to help your husband much better if you aren't exhausted and sleep-deprived.

mildredalien

I'm glad your husband has gone to see the GP penguin, my husband suffers with depression too and it's not something that can just be toughed out at home. I know there can be a concern about taking medication, but in some cases it is really what's needed.

My husband took some medication in the past which improved things a bit, but his depression came back this year (and I'm not sure he ever improved 100%) He is on a different medication now and after a bit of a rough adjustment period with side effects, it's having such a positive impact. His GP things he may have a seratonin imbalance which could mean he will be on meds for the rest of his life - we'll see how things go. All I know is that he's feeling positive and optimistic about life for the first time in a while. He has also been doing some self help therapy (and his GP has given him the details and access to group therapy sessions should he need them) and has done CBT in the past which is really helpful alongside the medication.

Also it's absolutely normal for the partner of someone with mental health issues to feel angry, frustrated, !!!!ed off, sad, upset etc. about the situation. It can be stressful and difficult to manage life and support a partner with mental health problems, it doesn't stop you from loving them. Remember you might need support too, make sure you have people you can talk to!