Husband is depressed... Help...

giddypenguin

Hi everyone, sorry if this has been covered before. I think I just need to get things off my chest, I would usually talk to my mum or friends, but DH has expressly asked me not to talk to them so I feel a bit gagged.

DH admitted to me that he thinks he's depressed. This wasn't a huge surprise as he's seemed very different the last couple of month - snappier than usual, less interested in things and people, stressed and less 'get up and go'

Our youngest is 14 weeks, so I assumed he was just struggling to adjust to an expanded family and stressful job. So I've been trying to take on all the 'house jobs' so that he can focus on work and rest. But now he's said things seem to be getting worse.

I have to admit (and I feel awful about this, especially as I've struggled with eating disorders before so have some experience of how he feels) that I can't shake an angry feeling. I don't think I'm angry with him, just the situation- I'm dealing with a 3 month old and a 2 year old, more or less on my own, plus the housework, finances etc. I'm completely knackered and just want my happy husband back. I'm constantly on egg shells and feel like I'm just a pain in his backside.

He'sbeginning to come round to the idea of talking to his GP - but appointments are not easy to get hold of. I guess I've been ignoring this for a while and now we've got to face it... I'm a bit scared. Especially as all this talk of seeing therapists etc is bringing back some bad memories for me.

I guess, I know how hard this hole can be to pull your self out of- I really don't want to see him struggle the same way I did...

Sorry if this makes no sense. I think I'm still making sense of this myself.

RuthnJasper

Just wanted to wish you all the best, penguin. I can understand how frustrated you must feel. It won't always be like this.


GP appointment is probably the best way to go but, in the meantime, have a look on here: http://www.mind.org.uk/ for advice for you both.


Very best wishes to you. x

System

I hope he decides to see a sympathetic GP. There are also self-help books and media available if he prefers to go down that route. Paul Gilbert is particularly good on the subject of depression.

giddypenguin

Thank you both.

I think I just needed to vent. Teething baby means I've been surviving on 3-4 hours sleep over the last week or so and that's probably clouding my feelings somewhat. I guess I feel a bit alone.

Thank you for not being judgemental- I know this isn't his fault. I hate this so much.

thriftyemma

Although I am female, and it's obviously not the same as your OH, I can sympathise with him. The period after a child being born is incredibly stressful, for both mum and dad. I suffered PND after each of my 3 children. I sought help the first two times. The third time, I was in denial, and didn't want to be a burden. The fact that he's talking to you about it is a huge step forward for him. It took me a long time to not only realise I had a problem, but that I could ask for help.

Depression is an ugly monster. It can make you feel worthless, useless, helpless, and every other -less you can think of. And once you're in a downward spiral, it takes a herculian effort to get out. I used to beat myself up, that I was a terrible mother, and I was of no use at all. I started to believe this, which made me sink further. I had to go right down to the very depths of despair before I realised I needed help. It was a horrible place to be, and put a massive strain on my family.

Take the opportunity of OH talking to you to help him move forward. Maybe take some pro-active steps for him. Ask him if he'd like you to go to the GP with him. Tell him you can book an appointment for him. Research some tips on mindfulness and relaxation, and join in these exercises with him. But don't just let it lie. This will not go away on its own. And if you leave OH to sort it, he may well be lacking the 'get-up and go' needed to take the first steps.

Best wishes OP, and make sure you take care of yourself too.

Bordeuax

could you get your mum or the inlaws to help ..maybe take a brake,
you and him go away for a couple of days.

giddypenguin

Thank you all so much. Having a good cry now! Probably good to get it all out.

Thank you for sharing your experience Emma. From what he's told me I think that's exactly how he feels- he broke down crying saying he felt like a terrible father the other night. I think it's the hopelessness which is most difficult for me to see in him. His personality has just changed so much.

We have a weekend away planned in August (5 year wedding anniversary) but not much hope of doing anything before that. Planning a nice evening for us on Saturday once the kids are asleep- but the baby seems to have other ideas! Usually she's so good but she's crying non stop at the moment:-( x

Toooldforthisagain

This is easier said than done but try and relax little bubba is probably picking up on your emotions too. I know my LO ( 14 months) does. Also what area are you as some parts of the country you can self refer for mental health help, I know you can in Essex Kent and some parts of London. You maybe able to do that for your husband.

Mojisola

http://www.home-start.org.uk/ are a great organisation for providing support while the children are little.

giddypenguin

DH has decided to take tomorrow off work, and is going to ring the surgery first thing to get an appointment. He's asked me to go along with him - that's going to be a little emotional. I wish there could be a quick fix for this, but I know the reality is he's going to feel rubbish for a long time yet.

I caved and gave DD some calpol. She's now crashed out bless her. I'm such a rubbish mum!

DigForVictory

You are not wrong to give a teething LO Calpol.
Now get a nap yourself & gather up energy for tomorrow.
Very best of luck & I hope your OH gets help so he can be the husband & father he wants to be.