Finding the strength from somewhere

heartbreak_star

DigForVictory wrote: »

The funeral was unexpectedly a very positive event amidst the sudden blank - we met loads of extended family, learned new stories, swapped photos. (I've still got the Trooper beermat on my desk.)

This was what happened when we lost my lovely Dad. The funeral itself was both heartbreaking and beautiful...we chose the vicar well as she was so caring and thoughtful. Me and Mum went in first of course, and when we turned around after the service we saw that it was standing room only as all his colleagues from his workplace, some friends from his Merchant Navy days, and so many others whom his life had touched had come to pay respects. It filled my heart up so much and still does five years on.

Then afterwards, Mum's home was full of joy and happy memories, lots of photos and smiles, and even a round of applause when my then-OH and her friend conspired to swipe a large flower arrangement their friends had had made for him and Mum admired!

Jellybro, it's going to hurt. Little things will hurt for a long, long time. But, trite as it sounds, you will be OK. So much love to you and your family.

HBS x

mellymoo74

There's a reason why our mourning period used to be for a year Jelly the firsts are the hardest so first birthday without them etc.
It hurts I am at 8 years this year and it still hurts but I can now do more remembering and smiling. I can think dad would have worshipped my niece and it not floor me for a day (it's a good hurt)

Take it day to day

Jellybro

Yes, day by day. Things actually feel different hour by hour to be honest.

Thankyou all for your kind words, what a lovely community this is.

tara747

Big hugs Jellybro, I went through exactly the same when my dad passed away. I felt so helpless on my mum's behalf, as well as dealing with my own grief.

Faith177 wrote: »

Sorry to hear of your loss I lost my mum this time last year (anniversary is next Tuesday). She was my best friend, my rock, my go to person she died suddenly and it just floored me

Don't be hard on yourself it has only been a week as I said I'm a year down the line and somedays I still struggle to get it together.

All I can say is as others have said is just to be there for each other.

Every person deals with grief in their own way. Myself I threw myself into the practical side of things getting the funeral sorted, packing up her house, sorting her paperwork out to pass to my nan who was executor according to the will. My brother shut down didn't want to talk to anyone didn't want to be around the family just friends. If I wanted to talk to him about anything regarding my mum it had to be short and brief otherwise he would start to zone out. Eventually you'll find what works for you.

Of all the people who were around me when my mum went the ones that stick out are the ones who just kept in touch with me, checked in on how I was. My best friend even went into mine did the house from top to bottom so that when I got back from Scotland (where my mum lived) there was no housework to do. She made sure the freezer was full so even though I wasn't eating much if I did want something there was stuff there.

When I brought the van back with my mums things in it two of my friends turned up and helped us unpack without us even asking. They talked about my mum the whole time and made comments on the things coming out of the van like "OMG that is so your mums XYZ" or "trust her to have XYZ that's so like her" it really helped me as it felt like she wasn't being forgotten

You may feel like a chocolate teacup at the moment but just doing what you can will mean more to your family than you can imagine.

What a lovely gesture and I agree, it's lovely when people talk fondly and in a familiar way about the person who has passed away.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

This was what happened when we lost my lovely Dad. The funeral itself was both heartbreaking and beautiful...we chose the vicar well as she was so caring and thoughtful. Me and Mum went in first of course, and when we turned around after the service we saw that it was standing room only as all his colleagues from his workplace, some friends from his Merchant Navy days, and so many others whom his life had touched had come to pay respects. It filled my heart up so much and still does five years on.

Then afterwards, Mum's home was full of joy and happy memories, lots of photos and smiles, and even a round of applause when my then-OH and her friend conspired to swipe a large flower arrangement their friends had had made for him and Mum admired!

Jellybro, it's going to hurt. Little things will hurt for a long, long time. But, trite as it sounds, you will be OK. So much love to you and your family.

HBS x

Same at my dad's funeral, and it made me really emotional (and proud) too xx

heartbreak_star

If I may give an example Jellybro - let's take the beautiful hymn Abide With Me.

Dad told me when I was about 7 that he wasn't bothered about anything else at his funeral, but he wanted a nice version of that played or sung. It was always his favourite, and he sang it so beautifully when he was young. Periodically, especially after her got poorly, he'd remind me of this wish. (He also teased me when I was older that I'd be an atheist requesting a hymn ).

For over two years after we lost him, I couldn't deal with hearing it. At all. Any part of it. Broke down hysterically in the funeral parlour when we lost Nan and they played it at her viewing. Olympics opening ceremony - dashed out of the room in tears. And so on.

Then one day, I sat and watched the Olympic ceremony on Youtube as I really wanted to see the dancers that performed to Emile Sande's version. The pain was almost physical, but I did it.

I found after a little while, I could deal OK if I was expecting it...but if it was unexpected, not so much (cried when a few chords played on Casualty, of all things ).

Now, nearly six years on, it still hurts my heart to hear it, but I can smile through the tears and take comfort from how much Dad loved the song. It feels like a part of him is with me when I listen. I also learned to play it on the ocarina as a sort of tribute to him

Sorry that was a bit rambling, but I really hope it makes sense and helps in some way.

HBS x

Jellybro

Thankyou HBS... That's a lovely story.
We are trying to decide on the music... So very hard as he had such a wide taste... His cd collection was huge!

We have one song, that is his and mums song... But I can't bear to listen to it and dreading it being played at the funeral.

tealady

Jellybro wrote: »

Thankyou HBS.

We have one song, that is his and mums song... But I can't bear to listen to it and dreading it being played at the funeral.

It may hurt but I would suggest you play it simply because it was your dad's song.
My dad planned his funeral, it hurt hearing his choice of music but it helped in a way knowing it was what he wanted and it was the last thing we, as a family, could do for him.

puppypants

I'm sending you a big (((HUG)). I lost my beloved brother suddenly on Tuesday night, so I know what you are going through. I am struggling to come to terms with the fact he just isn't here any more. xx

mum2one

Just wanted to send a big hug, I always think its after the funeral when ur mum will need u most, my friend lost her hubby 16mths ago been 2gether about 40yrs, grown up daughters ,when out sinks in and less people are around.

U take care xx

misty_blue_2

Jellybro wrote: »

My lovely dad passed away last week. I am struggling so much just to believe he is gone.
My mum is completely set adrift. They were married over 50 years. I don't know how to get the strength to be there for her when I feel I'm about as much use as a chocolate teacup.
We are a small close family, and the hole that has been made feels way too much.
Please share your experiences.

so sorry to hear your sad news, sending you kind thoughts and hugs

you are very lucky to have such a lovely relationship with your family, i never had a loving family, something i always craved,

i cannot offer advice to you but i would find strength in all the good times you shared together, sit and think what your dads words of advice would be to you if you could talk to him now,

i know it may sound silly but in a quiet moment just ask out load for strength, i have done that many times over the years , sometimes just taking half an hour for yourself to get your head straight gives you all the answers you need.
:grouphug: