Finding the strength from somewhere

Jellybro

Thankyou misty blue.

I'm sorry to hear you have not had the support of a loving family, that must be very hard on you. It has not affected the empathy you show to others, such as reaching out to comfort me, and that is a true testememt of your compassion.

X

misty_blue_2

Jellybro wrote: »

Thankyou misty blue.

I'm sorry to hear you have not had the support of a loving family, that must be very hard on you. It has not affected the empathy you show to others, such as reaching out to comfort me, and that is a true testememt of your compassion.

X

thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to reply when you are going through such a hard time yourself

heartbreak_star

Jellybro wrote: »

Thankyou HBS... That's a lovely story.
We are trying to decide on the music... So very hard as he had such a wide taste... His cd collection was huge!

We have one song, that is his and mums song... But I can't bear to listen to it and dreading it being played at the funeral.

Music can evoke emotion in a way very few other things can. Are there different versions of the song you could use to "desensitise" yourself a little bit? Do you like the song?

I had to be a bit wary of scents for a while as well - I made my OH and male friends promise to not wear Armani Code

Lots of love.

HBS x

hazyjo

I take the day off work each year that my dad died and do something nice. Four years ago now (in July). He was 70 and had battled cancer since 64. Once you get used to seeing your mum on her own and not with your dad in tow, it gets easier. I learnt to lock thoughts of my dad in a box - every now and then, I take a glimpse. I remember the things he said, his voice, where he sat... but it's brought tears to my eyes now just writing it. Where's that key...


It's impossible. It all becomes a bit of a muddle. But muddle through we do. My life was totally upside down when my dad died. I'd lost my father in law just before that, then my cat, I'd moved house (took MONTHS, possibly bordering a year or so from looking to buying), got married just before that, got divorced within 2 years of moving, moved again, had lots of problems with next BF's addictions/bipolar disorder - it was all too much. I should have cracked. I probably did, looking back. I did ridiculous things and am lucky I don't have any shocking stories to tell as a result (a lot involve alcohol, lots of wandering streets/going up to London, memory loss, lost a suitcase on a train once, arguing with anyone, self harming (well, arm-scratching) - it was like I wanted to scream 'THIS IS HOW MUCH IT EFFING HURTS ME'. Like there should be some physical evidence.


BUT... nearly four years on, I'm here to tell the tale. Life keeps on going even though we sometimes want (or need) to put the brakes on (and stop the clocks, as the poem goes). It doesn't feel right, does it that the second/minute/hour hands keeps going round.


It DOES get easier. I can mention my dad now in conversation (although can't really talk about him in much detail). It took 2-3 years. Mum and I often quote him when I see her. His memory is very much alive. My sister hasn't quite dealt with it so well.


All I can offer is a virtual hug. I feel your pain. Hurts like hell. By all means, keep things bottled up, but you must let them out occasionally or you'll explode.


If you feel it's all too much - GO SEE THE DOCTOR. I wish I had. I was having to divorce, sell the house, buy another so there was no way I could be signed off. I also have a line manager from hell with no sympathy/compassion for anyone and the heart of a brick. I had to keep going. I was suffering more anxiety at the thought of being signed off and having to tell her than I was over having lost my dad.


Hugs to the others too who have lost loved ones.


XX

Bangton

I'm so very sorry for your loss. There just are no words

My dad died 9 years ago in June when I was 23. I miss him like I can't even describe. I rarely cry anymore but I think of him most days at some point. He was so funny and witty and silly .. I can't describe the void. I remember my first birthday card after he died that just said 'love mum'. I knew it was coming and I'd wanted to say to mum just sign it from dad too. He died just before fathers day and I'd bought the card. Christmas was rubbish because he was always the 'quiz master' when we played party games.

My mum though. .She just seemed so lost and that hurt a lot. I can remember going to the supermarket soon after he died and just kind of freezing because she didn't know what to buy for just her.someone tutted because she was in the way and I wanted to slap them quite frankly. Its like the world kept turning and it felt utterly wrong

The worse thing was people's avoidance of it. .They didn't want to upset me so they said nothing but I wanted/needed to talk about my dad.

My family and I have a weird relationship (not in a bad way ) but we don't cry and hug and comfort each other so I found myself alone in my grief. Tbh even my OH was pretty crap. Like hazy jo I did a few stupid things after he died namely drinking/kicking off with people. It's embarrassing to think back now!

I can deal with it now because it happened and your mind just let's you move on eventually but I still have moments. When my son was born I really needed my dad. He was amazing with babies and kids and I was tired/sleep deprived /hormonal and needed help. I often think life would be better if he was still here and I wish to god he was!

It does get easier though it really does. Just be there for your mum. In my case my (what I thought was) weak mum was/is amazing. She joined the gym. .met some buddies/threw herself into her business and survived. I know she misses him deeply but I genuinely I believe she is as happy as she can be now

Once again I'm so sorry xx

Jellybro

Thankyou all so much for your words of advice and comfort... I am just taking it day by day. I'm not sleeping very well, but when I do drop off it is the first thought that fills my head when I wake, and it starts all over again. I don't think I have accepted the fact he's not coming out of hospital ... It just seems so final. One minute here... One minute gone.

I took mum shopping in the days after too... And it was heartbreaking seeing her choose a ready meal for one... And just looking at me and saying she just didn't know what she was going to do.

People busy on with their lives, and I just want to say ' my dads just died' to everyone 'hey.... Stop the world.... My dads just died'

It's just so devastating for us all.

heartbreak_star

Jellybro wrote: »

Thankyou all so much for your words of advice and comfort... I am just taking it day by day.

That's the only thing you can do really.

I know the "stop the world" feeling too - buried myself in work, my hobbies, anything I could, until the edge dulled.

It gets easier, I promise.

HBS x

mum2one

Just wanted to see how you are, we've had some bad news this week, dads cancer is advanced - given weeks to live
X

misty_blue_2

Jellybro wrote: »

Thankyou all so much for your words of advice and comfort... I am just taking it day by day. I'm not sleeping very well, but when I do drop off it is the first thought that fills my head when I wake, and it starts all over again. I don't think I have accepted the fact he's not coming out of hospital ... It just seems so final. One minute here... One minute gone.

I took mum shopping in the days after too... And it was heartbreaking seeing her choose a ready meal for one... And just looking at me and saying she just didn't know what she was going to do.


People busy on with their lives, and I just want to say ' my dads just died' to everyone 'hey.... Stop the world.... My dads just died'

It's just so devastating for us all.

hope you don't mind but just logged on to see how you are doing
and how you and mum are coping
sending hugs misty blue

misty_blue_2

mum2one wrote: »

Just wanted to see how you are, we've had some bad news this week, dads cancer is advanced - given weeks to live
X

so very sorry to hear your bad news
it must be awful for you,
sending hugs