Finding the strength from somewhere

Jellybro

My lovely dad passed away last week. I am struggling so much just to believe he is gone.
My mum is completely set adrift. They were married over 50 years. I don't know how to get the strength to be there for her when I feel I'm about as much use as a chocolate teacup.
We are a small close family, and the hole that has been made feels way too much.
Please share your experiences.

heuchera

I'm sorry to hear that.

There is nothing you need to do except be there for each other. Things are still very fresh and raw at the moment, it won't always be like this.

kelpie35

I am sorry to hear about your loss.

The only advise I can offer is to share your feelings with all the family.

There is no need to worry if you all want to cry or laugh together as you all share memories of your dad.

Try to take each day as it comes.

Faith177

Sorry to hear of your loss I lost my mum this time last year (anniversary is next Tuesday). She was my best friend, my rock, my go to person she died suddenly and it just floored me

Don't be hard on yourself it has only been a week as I said I'm a year down the line and somedays I still struggle to get it together.

All I can say is as others have said is just to be there for each other.

Every person deals with grief in their own way. Myself I threw myself into the practical side of things getting the funeral sorted, packing up her house, sorting her paperwork out to pass to my nan who was executor according to the will. My brother shut down didn't want to talk to anyone didn't want to be around the family just friends. If I wanted to talk to him about anything regarding my mum it had to be short and brief otherwise he would start to zone out. Eventually you'll find what works for you.

Of all the people who were around me when my mum went the ones that stick out are the ones who just kept in touch with me, checked in on how I was. My best friend even went into mine did the house from top to bottom so that when I got back from Scotland (where my mum lived) there was no housework to do. She made sure the freezer was full so even though I wasn't eating much if I did want something there was stuff there.

When I brought the van back with my mums things in it two of my friends turned up and helped us unpack without us even asking. They talked about my mum the whole time and made comments on the things coming out of the van like "OMG that is so your mums XYZ" or "trust her to have XYZ that's so like her" it really helped me as it felt like she wasn't being forgotten

You may feel like a chocolate teacup at the moment but just doing what you can will mean more to your family than you can imagine.

Pricivius

I am so sorry for your loss.

People deal with grief differently and handle such periods in their life in varying ways. There is no right or wrong, in my opinion - whatever brings you comfort at this difficult time is right for you.

For example, I was brought up with my grandma ever present in my home and my life. She was my constant, the founder member of my fan club and always there for me. I always thought life would not and could not go on without her. The day she died, aged 90, almost 9 years ago, was one of the most painful and difficult days. I finally knew what it meant when people said that it hurt to cry - crying before was almost empty whereas crying now had a physical pain to it. So I talked to her. I told her how much I missed her. I sat in her room, watched her favourite tv programmes and told her what was happening. We collected photos of her for an album and put together a video montage of her. Anything to feel close to her one more time and ease her passing on. I still talk to her sometimes, let her know that all is good.

I read somewhere that grief does not change people, it reveals them. That the loss strips away part of you and leaves more of the real you on display; how you move forward is a tribute to the person you lost and a sign of the real you they left behind, knowing you would go on.

duchy

When I look back at the really difficult times in my life.....when my Dad died suddenly, when my Mum's life hung in the balance for several weeks and we had no idea if she'd survive or not (or if she did if she'd be brain damaged) I marvel that I kept going - was there for family, looked after my son etc. I think with hindsight we just do what we have to do for those who need us - and deal with our own grief later .

That said never underestimate offered help. If someone offers you help- don't brush it off or think they don't really mean it. Take help offered as just that. Someone taking care of small things make dealing with the big stuff more bearable.

Focusing on your Mum will help you process your own grief . Helping her will help you too.

We find the strength when we need to .....and then look back later and marvel that we did -the strength we need comes from somewhere -when we really need it to. I have no idea where - but it does !

Faith177

duchy wrote: »

When I look back at the really difficult times in my life.....when my Dad died suddenly, when my Mum's life hung in the balance for several weeks and we had no idea if she'd survive or not (or if she did if she'd be brain damaged) I marvel that I kept going - was there for family, looked after my son etc. I think with hindsight we just do what we have to do for those who need us - and deal with our own grief later .

That said never underestimate offered help. If someone offers you help- don't brush it off or think they don't really mean it. Take help offered as just that. Someone taking care of small things make dealing with the big stuff more bearable.

Focusing on your Mum will help you process your own grief . Helping her will help you too.

We find the strength when we need to .....and then look back later and marvel that we did -the strength we need comes from somewhere -when we really need it to. I have no idea where - but it does !

Could not agree with this sentiment more what a great way of putting it duchy :T

Jellybro

Thankyou all for your kind words.
I don't think anything has prepared me for the emptiness I feel inside, and the heartbreak I feel for my mum who is now going to have to adjust to a completely different way of life. I think the feeling of total helplessness at seeing her dreading the future without him is weighing on me hugely.

It is surely a life changing loss

meritaten

as others have said - you WILL find the strength and right now all you need to do is BE there for mum. of course the practicalities have to be sorted out - and you should do that all together as a family. it can be strangely comforting to organise somebodies funeral. to make things right for them and the family.
the worst time I find is when the funeral is over and the mourners all gone home...............that's when the feeling of loss came over me. But, you carry on one day at a time and it gets easier. the loss will always be there but tempered by the happy memories.

pearl123

I'm sorry for your loss.
My advice is take each day as it comes. Sometimes grief can feel so strong you've got to take it hour by hour. It does get better but it takes time and everybody is different.
Grieving is a long process.

DigForVictory

jellybro, sending you virtual hugs & cake as remembering to eat properly takes effort.

The only consolation I can offer is that you are together! You don't need to be granite - you just need to be there. Listen to each other, hug, remember together.

When my father in law died last year, we found getting the funeral sorted helped, as he'd been very clear - leave him out for the bin lorry. Of course we couldn't, so we had to get a funeral sorted and I think getting someone to play the Last Post helped my husband most - it was the one thing he could do to acknowledge the wonderful years as a Sherwood Forester his dad had. We planted a sessile oak in our back garden for him, and I think we've each been up to chat to him there. The funeral was unexpectedly a very positive event amidst the sudden blank - we met loads of extended family, learned new stories, swapped photos. (I've still got the Trooper beermat on my desk.)

Stay close, see to such practical things as you can (nan was allowed to stay in her bungalow as it was always intended for one or two elderly folk), and let things unfold. Try not to be rushed into anything. If the undertakers offer a coffintopper flower arrangement for £150, and that seems a wrong use of £150, ask for time to think of something more personal.

All health & strength to you & your family.