SOA - please help!! I want to start today!

Forward_thinking

Thanks for the replies. We spent thousands and thousands setting up in a new country. We decided to come home after about ten years away. Before we went I desperately wanted to get a house and rent it out incase we decided to coma back. Husband really didn't want that hanging over us. The worst thing we ever did. My biggest regret. When we came back we got the hire car and husband got a great contract for a couple of years. We didn't have the cash to get a new car - husband wanted quite a new one. Then he finished his contract and we went through a really bad spell. Almost lost everything. Hung on to the car for everyday needs and to get him to interviews. Ever since we have never had the cash in one month to buy. He does want to buy now but says there isn't two grand limit on the cards. So we're stuck in a huge vicious circle. But that's so similar to our house situation. We pay a huge amount each month and so we don't have the ability to save up a deposit. I feel like he is happy with renting our lives away and it does frustrate me. We have a solid marriage but I still often kick myself for being convinced that getting a mortgage was a bad idea.

He's agreed to look at a car as long as it's less than 10 years old, less than 150,000 miles and a year's Mot and a private seller. Wish me luck. I'm sitting here wondering if I should be ironing or looking for work.

Slightly changed details so some things might add up. Desperately don't want to be recognised.

Forward_thinking

Excuse spelling errors. On my iphone.

brizzledfw

Hi :wave:

Didn't want to just read and run. Gripped by your diary after spotting it in the new posts. Lots of amazing posts on here so very pleased the MSE DFW massive is out in force supporting a newbie...its great on here, a real community. Looking forward to cheering you on your way and have subscribed

Just a few points from me:

- try everything. When we properly had our LBM (and when OH came on board in particular) we did a bit of everything...lodger, summer students, selling on Bay of E, lentil dahl min. once a week, shopping budget slashed (£1.2k a month is ridiculous, even £800 p.m would give you £100 extra a week to throw at debt), budgets for everything. Holidays in UK or cottage not hotel, etc etc. BUT..its a marathon not a sprint so we had holidays, we eat out, but less..you get the drift, often we cut back rather than completely removing it from the agenda.

- record EVERYTHING and discover your weaknesses and analyse it all, this way and that, over differing time periods. Our weaknesses (well mine)..holidays (and these are big holidays, skiing, motorhome, Oz etc)...food, going out to eat... I have so many. But when you record and forecast using a product like YNAB you are in control and when you control money its never as bad again. Promise.

- YNAB..can't recommend it enough. Get a free trial and see how you go. We love it.

- get all the family on board. Teaching my kids financial management is one of my key aims..its a life skill..like swimming and being able to cook. Non negotiable is what I say..and they are already more savvy than I ever was even at twice their age.

- it is easier when OH is on board. Its goes much faster. But its not impossible even if his LBM is a way off. Just you do what you can. And don't compromise too much. This is your life too. You have kids to think about. He has a high risk strategy if he's a contractor. If he has no fall back then you personally have to start creating one and you can't let him stop you/put up barriers. And to add to that, you earning.. this is not the complete answer. It could help take the edges off but won't fix the problem. You spend too much on almost every area of your life. If you don't sort the spending it will mean you never leave the maelstrom. Other posters have pointed that out, so won't labour the point. (And Mr Micawber was right! )

- keep posting on the thread. As often as you can. The peeps on here are amazing and pick you up when you stumble (as we all do). You're doing brilliantly by coming on here and posting a SOA (we earn around what you do and it took me months if not years to get up the courage to do that and you did it from the get go)...that kind of courage will mean you win through.

Very best wishes

Brizzle x

brizzledfw

PS. Don't overly worry about the RL angle. You're unlikely to be 'outed' - and even if you ever were, there are so many of us keeping up appearances...I can remember an ex-colleague admitting to a £20k OD..now even I was shocked..but just shows you!

Forward_thinking

Ah, thanks Brizzled. Sweet post. I have been totally off task tonight, came on here to have a really good read and have spent the last hour reading BMJ's thread (think that's the right name). Did get a bit scared off as there were some harsh words from posters but I have seen none of that. Everyone has been absolutely lovely and will make this journey far more pleasant.

I spent the night tonight working on my new website to try and get some work in. I'm excited about that so it's not under duress. I've been working up to this for years and now have the ability to go forward. Earning is a bonus (a huge and wonderful one). Slightly frustrated with husband tonight. I have been working all night and he had a really long bath, watched some tv and then went off to bed. He was supposed to be getting me the details for his bank accounts which I don't often check and could have been looking for a car. I think you are right that it will be me on my own for a while. I was going to do the ironing this week without him noticing (ironer due to pick it up tomorrow). I know it sounds a cop out but I'm not sure how easy it is going to be doing it on the quiet during the day with a one year old who is into everything. Think I might let her collect it tomorrow and then try and do a bit every couple of days. I am hopeless at ironing though and shirts make me so grumpy - I seem to iron more deep creases in than I started with.

I think I have enough advice from you wonderful folks but would love to stay for support and to vent. Am I allowed to do this on here or would I be better off starting an actual diary somewhere? Would anyone still be there to keep me company? The traffic on here has been so motivating.

I rang our electric/gas people tonight and they have reduced our monthly direct debit from £200 to £170. Still seems high but they said that is what we use. We use British Gas....any cheaper ones out there to recommend? I'm not sure if we are allowed to change our provider - would need to ask.

This weekend's challenge is to get my website up and to explore YNAB. I also keep thinking about the Ramsay book and Living Stingy book someone mentioned. Don't want to spend the money but it might be worth the investment. I mentioned to the children tonight that we will be having sleep over parties (didn't mention it was because of the cost factor). I said they could have five friends over, get the chocolate fountain out, watch a film, eat popcorn and stay in our dark sensory den. They loved the idea - and it would hardly cost anything. The last one has just cost us £500. My daughter burst out crying tonight because I said we would be stopping some clubs and she was devastated because she thought I would be cancelling her favourite. To be honest I would like to as two of them go and it costs us £50 for one morning a week. But they absolutely love it and I can't bring myself to stop that one. I just wish it wasn't the expensive one they love.

Right, off to bed. I do a voluntary job on a Friday and need to be up early. So I won't be able to check in until tomorrow night.

Looking forward to it though. It's a great cure to facebook.

Thanks for holding my hand ; )))

getmore4less

You have come a long way in a just a few days, now the slog begins.

I think you would benefit greatly from a tool to help with the planning, spreadsheets are great but do take time to set up and fine tune, I think your time is better spent on other things so something off the shelf would be a better option.

YNAB has helped a lot of people get through the cashflow crisis

I still prefer MSMoney( UK version free)
(this could be set up to monitor personal and both business to get an integrated view)

what will you be using to manage your business maybe that would work for your personal finances as well.

Getting hubby on board is going to be the trick, what would catch his interest, maybe a longer term goal like owning a house or being able to retire earlier, these tend to be mutual, pay a house off, no more mortgage/rent, can earn less.

The great thing with a tool like MSMoney you can do a what if we cut this and see the long term benefit.

I think with a tool and a plan you will be able to get the message over that this is not hopeless situation but something you can turn around quite quickly and have a positive future.

If you get work maybe something like splitting the goals your income take on the holidays and the house deposit, hubby takes on the day to day and debt reduction or maybe swap debt reduction house deposit you will fix the debt if he saves for a house.
then have a 2/3 year goal debt free and house deposit saved up.
........................................
Anyway if you look at this page
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76
you will see the Sub Board "Debt Free Diaries", a lot post there for the ongoing motivation, have a read plenty of followers of the threads.

You could start a new thread or ask for this one to be moved.

enthusiasticsaver

Just read the thread and for what it is worth thought I would mention that I think you and OH could do with some advice on prioritising debts. You obviously have a large and hopefully fairly secure in the short term income but outgoings are too high. Many others have pinpointed areas for savings but I wonder if the reason your utilities are high is because you have arrears? I used to be a debt counsellor so have some experience in helping people do that. Priorities are mortgage,secured debt, council tax and utilities and food. After that comes transport for work and essential childcare expenses. At the bottom of the pile comes unsecured debt and then discretionary spending (ie luxuries such as cleaners, holidays, entertainment etc). I do have the feeling however that your OH is not fully on board with this so he must be a bit of a head in the sand guy when it comes to money which is not unusual with high earners. They see a huge income coming in and think they deserve to go out and spend what they want without realising that anyone can get into debt and it spirals out of control very quickly which is where you are now.


I have subscribed as I do hope you get some support from your OH asap and hope you manage to turn this around and get your business off the ground to get extra income. I would ask for this to be moved to the debt free diaries section.

matchboxfull

Re ironing: nobody ever got to the pearly gates and said 'my one regret is that my clothes weren't flat enough'.

Only iron shirts and linen. Nothing else really needs it. Bung everything in the tumble drier (not moneysaving or environmental, but cheaper than an ironer) and fold while warm.

Oh, and get him to iron his own bloomin' shirts!

m4rc

Few little things...

The car, I think you should be looking for one wih under 100k miles, ideally under 80k. They do exist, you will pay a bit more, but the average family car although can go on and on, at 150k miles is going to be a bit more of a risk.

Facebook. One of the best things I ever did was delete my Facebook account, it's a total waste of time, apart from genuinely keeping in touch with real friends and family who maybe don't live near enough to stay in touch with I think it is a huge life distraction. Too many use it for the wrong reasons, some to gloat, some to make themselves feel better, some to do the 'oh poor me' and wait for the 'oh what's up how can we help' stuff. No finger pointing I don't know you, but from experience I found it a horrible 'thing that I simply didn't need in my life. Now, I keep in touch with the very few people who I really love and care about by making sure I see or speak to them often, it's so much nicer. The rest, they were never my friends. Some days I would spend ten mins here 15 mins there on the site and adding it up I probably wasted 2-3 hours a day some days, I could be doing something, or even boing, just relaxing, not worrying about people I really don't know or particularly care about. Sorry, probably sounds really harsh and selfish, but what DID we do before Facebook? Can you remember going out for dinner, taking a picture of your food, excusing yourself as you dashed to snappysnaps with the film, got it developed and 50 copies of the dinner picture then drove round posting it through the letterbox of everyone you know? Nope, me neither, but for some reason everyone thinks I care what they had for dinner or that their kid has worn a pair of sunglasses..... Don't close your account if it makes you happy, but staying off of it is not a bad thing!

Ironing. Keep it, I don't iron, if it's creased then stick a jumper over the top, if it needs ironing en someone else can do it, if I had to do it I would pay someone, so you won't find me telling you otherwise! If that's a real headache then in the bigger picture you really may as well keep it on, it's not the biggest outgoing you have.

This one is a bit deeper. You do a lot of 'why did I do that, why didn't I realise....'. That is not helpful, it won't change a thing, it just makes it harder to move on, although it may motivate you it doesn't help mentally, it can just bring you down. It's happened, forget it, you didn't buy a house before you went away. So what, it's done now. I see all the smart kids saving from the age of 18 and buying a house in their early 20s. I was incredibly drunk and driving fast cars in my early 20s (not at the same time), hey were my priorities. Buying a house was what my parents did. Do I wish I had done it different? Of course, but it's too late now so I don't worry about it. Look forwards, make plans, but live for the moment, enjoy the kids, live life, it's so easy to always be planning for the future that you forget to live now - been there done it and had the counselling!

Try not to worry too much that your husband is not interested. Does he usually have a long bath and watch tv like that? If not I'd say he very much is thinking about things and hasn't forgotten, he's just pretending he's getting on and not bothered by doing something else. The hardest thing for you now wil be to not push him, don't talk about it and let him make the first move. It's a game, see who blinks first, just make sure it's him. You NOT talking about it will be more powerful and make more of an impact than you talking about it. Others may disagree, you can too, but if you ask me that's how you should play it. To be fair pushing hasn't worked, so maybe give it a go. Men are funny creatures, we don't like to be told as we know everything, but when you are not telling us we want to know what's happening. It's not that we don't want to know, it's that we want to come to the decision, if he had decided to change cars it would have been done already and he would be telling you how it's the right thing to do, let him work it out and tell you that he's got a plan.

m4rc

meer53 wrote: »

I think if the OP does find work her OH will think everything is OK and they can carry on as before. Plus he can keep his precious hire car. The OP doesn't need to work, they need to assess their lifestyle and their spending, Trying to set up a new business, organising 5 children, having huge financial problems and an OH with his head in the sand isn't something many people could manage. It's not fair on the OP.

If the OP can manage it all, i take my hat off to her. But she shouldn't have to do it.

I totally agree with you, I believe in working less and living more, we shouldn't have to work just to pay bills, having small children is a job. I do feel that more income in the bank will just mean nothing changes and he may upgrade the hire car to another more expensive hire car and book a more expensive holiday. Nobody can force anyone to work, it needs to be something everyone agrees with.

It could however be good leverage, I think Forward Thinking does want to work as she's done so much to be able to start her business, but she can and should use this to get her husband to agree to make changes. If he agrees it's a real win - they have less going out and can start to save, Forward Thinking can do a job she would love but fit around the family and no real pressure to make huge sums, and any money she does make means their dreams can become a reality so much sooner.