How to save for starting a future...

oystercatcher

positivelypunked wrote: »

I don't really know how to talk about him without seeming to brag or be boring because I always seem to talk about him outside the forum. He always makes time for me . It's just a bit difficult for him at the moment but when he gets on his feet he'll look for a job

He doesn't mind me staying over for a few days . He says it's up to me if I want to come down and stay.

He's one of those where he likes to be told but not asked ... he says it's my own choice.

This doesn't show any kind of 'spark' or commitment. To my mind those words convey that he doesn't mind if you come or not.... you do your thing and I'll do mine type of thing. In one way it's good he's not trying to control you at all but I would be expecting a bit of enthusiasm at you coming to stay.

Agreeing with previous poster, what has knocked him off his feet regarding looking for a job ? This should be number one priority. Moving home and area shouldn't stop this. I'd be asking him what he's doing to look for work and encouraging him to find anything that will get him earning. Then when he's got money coming in you can watch and assess how he manages his own finances, this can be a huge sticking point in relationships. Do you want to have a child with someone who prioritises his own needs (beer ? X-box-? cigarettes ?) above paying for a home and what your child needs.

If I was your Mum I would be very concerned as to why he can't see his previous child and why he hasn't got a job, you really need to do some detective work and 'step back'- emotion aside and assess if this man is what you want for your life.

tea_lover

Man alive... this guy shows no signs of commitment whatsoever, already has a child he's not in contact with, you've only been together a couple of months and you think having a baby is a good idea?!

Get a grip!

mai_taylor

I think children should be last on your list, first you are going to both want stable jobs and a nice home for your children to be brought up in , with enough money so that you won't have to be worrying about bills all the time. Being able to drive is also a big plus even if you don't buy a car yet, not being able to drive when having children can be difficult and limit your options for where you live and work. First thing for your oh to do is find employment, has he considered an apprenticeship? Pay is very poor to start with but prospects can be very good. This is all doable by your 2018 goal but you both need to be fully committed to making it happen.

euronorris

Don't compare yourself to your friends. Their journey is their own, and so is yours. Life is not a race. So please don't try to rush through it, it's not worth it.


In your position, I'd prioritise the driving license first. Then a car. The independence that your own transport provides is not to be underestimated and will also open up other opportunities for you in so many ways (jobs, UK holidays etc).


Once those two are done, start looking at the cost of buying yourself a one-bedroom place and whether that is affordable for you on your salary alone. If it isn't, then look at the cost of renting alone. In both cases, don't forget to factor in all the other costs, council tax, utilities, food shopping etc. We can't tell you how much these things will cost you as they vary from area to area, property to property and person to person.


I'd recommend planning on living on your own at first. If your boyfriend hasn't got himself a stable job by the time you're ready to move into a place, then I think you will have a definitive answer as to whether he ever will. At which point, you'll have to seriously consider whether or not you actually want to marry this person, and have a child with them.

fairy_lights

positivelypunked wrote: »

I guess there's that little bit in me that jst wants to say "I did it...I am a success" but now i just need to set priorities & become more commited to our relationship and find out the deeper stuff thats going on between his ex and him.

Having a child with an unemployed boyfriend of 6 months who already has a child he doesn't see is not how most people would measure success :eek:


Edit: don't sell yourself so short, OP.

tara747

fairy_lights wrote: »

Having a child with an unemployed boyfriend of 6 months who already has a child he doesn't see is not how most people would measure success :eek:


Edit: don't sell yourself so short, OP.

Having read the whole thread, this is exactly what I was thinking too! You took the words out of my mouth, fairy lights. :eek:


OP - I don't think this guy is 'the one', tbh. No job and can't bothered to get one (what does 'getting back on his feet' mean?), doesn't seem all that bothered about your relationship, and at just 21 has a child he isn't allowed to see - is that a court order? I'd think VERY carefully about getting seriously involved with him.


And try not to compare yourself with others. Listen to the good advice on this thread.


You sound like a sensible, nice person. As others have said, don't sell yourself short - you can do better. I wish you luck.

Happytravelling

Its tricky to convey feelings on a forum like this, but the way you say things remind me of how I talked about someone who I'd been in a relationship with for a few years and would have said I wanted to share life with but on reflection I'd been tricking myself. We didn't have a child or even a house, but a child especially links you to someone for a very long time.

We're only reading what is typed here; you're 21 and thinking about how to structure your finances and build a life, he has a child from an unsuccessful relationship who he doesn't see, and doesn't have a job. He seems incredibly lucky to have found someone to be prepared to tackle his ex and take on his 'baggage', and build a new family with him, but doesn't seem bothered by what you do or don't you.

Anyway, from what you're said, your plans are a little way in the future and who knows what will change...

Just thought I'd pop back with a couple of 'here and now' ways to save.

- You can often get cashback on train tickets with cashback sites, might be worth checking out
- Think about the annual cost of things. If your mobile costs £25, that's £300 per year. If you can get it for £10 cheaper, for example you'll save £120 per year
- Try to 'overbudget' and 'underspend'. For example, If you decide to learn to drive, try to get your first annual insurance premium saved. Then, each month when you've started driving, put 1/12th into a savings account. Saves you interest and each year when your premium reduces, you'll have a little surplus.

positivelypunked

Well I haven't told you all everything and it seems worse then I feel it is.

He's well almost 25. He had his daughter when he was 20 years old .
He's been trying to see her but he's always being played around and she only wants material things like the birthday presenta for their daughter but she isn't letting him see them or to receive them. She's really ... conflicting.

He was kicked out because of an argument that ended badly...
So he got dumped on his uncles door step at the time a carrier of clothes for one day. No phone. None of his money.
Then he got his stuff lived with his uncle and since Sunday he moved into a bedsit where he has to learn to budget his money.

I think he doesn't mind what I do because we trust each other and we've been in really bad controlling and manipulative relationships I think we just don't want to feel that again. Last relationship ended up with me feeling really depressed and I never really got over it until I met and started a relationship with him.

I don't really know how I'm supposed to show my love for him on here though...

enthusiasticsaver

positivelypunked wrote: »

To be honest, we haven't made a proper plan together. I told him that I have the savings accounts and how much is in there right now. And he said he'd save money but given his situation we haven't set anything in stone...He doesn't have a job and claims job seekers. So I'm the only one with a "good" enough amount to start us off but worried that I can't do it alone.

for us, we want a child before getting married because He has a daughter with his ex and he isn't allowed to see her so we both want to make sure that he at least gets that chance again to be a dad and to know that we both work (that bit we're putting on hold because we can't actually do anything - he has no parental rights so have to wait really until she's old enough to make up her mind...) From what I've seen we do but marriage to us isn't as important as having a child (not just for him to be a dad again either) .

How much is reasonable to save for a flat?
Like, how much do I need to cover XX Amount of rent (1/6 months advance etc)
and for bills and things? Some things we could probably take with us now my partner has moved into a bedsit (I'm not allowed to move in but I can stay over a few nights)

hm. thinking about it,
Holidays and a car isn't as top priority so i could probablly use the fun saving account to cover that.

There are a couple of red flags that stand out to me from your post above. Firstly your partner does not yet have a job and is not supporting financially a child he has with a former partner. You should definitely not have a child just so he "can be a dad". Part of being a dad is supporting that child emotionally and financially and that includes putting a roof over their head which he is not doing with his existing child. If he was responsible he would be fighting for access and paying child support.


My advice for now is save as much as you are able and encourage him to do the same but put the buying flats and having children out of your head until your partner is in a job and earning some money. As you are only 21 you have plenty of time to prepare for this.


Normally when you rent a flat there is a security deposit to pay which is refunded when you leave providing there is no damage, an agent administration fee and one or two months rent up front. How much you need depends on rents in your area.

positivelypunked

He does pay for the child, but his ex claims he doesn't...
then she claims that he's not the dad but expects birthday presents.
She wants him to see her, yet every time we message her about
a time she says she don't want him to see her or tells us a date but not the time until it's like,4pm. She didn't put him on the birth certificate so we have nothing to fight against her with....
which makes everything complicated.

I'm not thinking about right now - I just wanted to know the kind of process and how I should handle my financial goals to get there.