How to save for starting a future...

fairy_lights

How long have you and your partner been together? Presumably not long if he has a young child with an ex-partner. How old is your partner?
At 21 there's no reason for you to rush in to parenthood, especially when you don't live together yet, he doesn't have a job, and neither of you have any real savings. TBH I think you need to slow down a bit and concentrate on building up your savings and just enjoy being young for a while - have a few holidays together etc.
Frankly it's madness to even contemplate having a child in your current situation.

Caroline_a

OP if your boyfriend wants to see his daughter he needs to get a job and go to court to gain access to his daughter. Is he paying for her at all, as that will be the other side of being a dad, so his wage or benefits will be lower than expected due to that.

Until this is sorted I would say that you shouldn't think about having a baby, he still has unfinished business with his existing daughter! The mother may make life difficult, but if the court grants access then she will have to follow the court's instructions. Your boyfriend will need to show the court that he can be a responsible dad, with a job and somewhere reasonable to live. These should be his priorities!

Regarding your savings question, you are still young, with lots to do in your life! I would prioritise getting your driving licence - it will stand you in good stead for many years and can help you to get jobs etc. Then look at keeping an ongoing savings account for holidays, housing, emergencies, etc, making sure that you save for things rather than borrowing!

Once you have a baby you will find that many of the fun things that you can do now will be much more difficult (and expensive!) You seem to be sensible about money, just don't rush into a life-changing commitment too quickly!

heuchera

positivelypunked wrote: »

for us, we want a child before getting married because He has a daughter with his ex and he isn't allowed to see her so we both want to make sure that he at least gets that chance again to be a dad and to know that we both work (that bit we're putting on hold because we can't actually do anything - he has no parental rights so have to wait really until she's old enough to make up her mind...) From what I've seen we do but marriage to us isn't as important as having a child (not just for him to be a dad again either) .

You get married, ie show a commitment to each other, then decide about children. If the child is born within wedlock the fathers name will be on the birth certificate and he can't be denied access.

Dropping another sprog by another girlfriend is not what this unemployed man needs to be doing right now.

dirty_magic

You're 21, you have loads of time to fit in all of your plans. Don't rush into everything! How long have you been with your OH?

I'm still with the same person I was with when I was 21, but both of us have changed a lot since then and we've both matured a lot. I think you need to give this relationship a little more time to see if you're still compatible in a few years before you rush into the house/marriage/kids set up.

Others might say different, but it sounds to me like you're young and rushing things.

positivelypunked

Yeah I realise now that i am because part of me feels ready and the other part feels like I have to because most of m friends are in a similar position like they are engaged after 1 year together & some had / having children. One of my friends sort of got married after a year with them.
I guess there's that little bit in me that jst wants to say "I did it...I am a success" but now i just need to set priorities & become more commited to our relationship and find out the deeper stuff thats going on between his ex and him.

I've been with him for just under 6 months but we suit in so many ways that we almost fit into each others life style... but I think we do need to sit down talk about his role in the relationship & that we need to save & properly save.

I said to him on the phone just a minute ago that it would be nice for me to stay over his for a few days each month and do things like shop together and cook together etc... so we get a feel of how we both work when it comes to domestic things.but i didn't say anything to do with babies or marriage so it's pretty open.

We worked well when he stayed over mine for week because i had work & he helped to sort of tidy but it would be so different when its just me & him.

PenguinOfDeath

Please slow down and stop comparing your life to your friends, what seems to work for them rarely works for anyone else - what does 'sort of got married' mean anyway?

It's good you have goals and know having savings will help to achieve these, keep this up but keep the money to yourself for now, in time you will know if its right to join your forces.

What did he say when you suggested you stay over a free days?

kezzygirl

Coming from someone who had a baby at 20 and another at 24, I would say hold off on the baby thing. Children give and take so much, and it is a challenge being a parent whilst working to provide a decent standard of living.

In my opinion, I did things the wrong way round- had my children, then focused on my career and we are now looking at saving for a mortgage (I am 30, partner 42). I so, so wish I had waited for kids and built my career/got a mortgage/had fun because then it would perhaps not have been so much of a struggle to get where I am today.

Just take it easy, save, and worry about kids and marriage later. there is no rush

Happytravelling

Hi there,

I think I was 21 or 22 when I disabled my facebook account, partly because I was procrastinating too much and partly because its hard not to compare your life to the way other people make theirs' seem! You need to ignore what your friends are doing (or say they're doing) and do what is right for you. The better you plan, the more hope of success! Having children next year might mean you can only afford 6 months of maternity leave, whereas having children in 2 or 3 years+ might mean you can afford 9 to 12 months for example. Whilst you see people doing the things you consider successful, how many choices do they make because they have to and how many because they can afford to?

Whether you live at home will make a big difference, and might mean advice on different things.

As a basic priority list:
- Estimate an approximate cost of a holiday using search engines depending where you want to go, how long, etc. Divide this by the number of (realistic) months before you want to travel and start saving. Its easier to deny yourself a daily coffee or monthly takeaway if there's something exciting like this on the horizon. You might need to wait until your OH can afford to save up to go (or go with a friend) but if the money is there, you can book when you're ready... Or use the money for a different treat.
- Driving- Its daunting at first to be in charge of a car but you have to go for it sometime and the sooner its out of the way the better. Presumably you'll want to be able to drive if you have a family, so best to get the cost out of the way and the practice in.
- House deposit. The thing with this is you'll need a big chunk, so if before buying a house, something else seems more important, the money will be there. For example, a 10% deposit on a £100,000 house, plus £3k for fees, plus £2k because the first couple of months cost and inexplicably large sum of money, and you'll be looking at £15k. If you save in a help to buy ISA, you'll also get a bonus when you buy your first home.

Consider opting into a pension, if you don't pay into one already- the longer you contribute, the greater time you'll have to accumulate a pension pot.

In the last couple of years, I've been a reader of 'the escape artist' blog and the 'mr money mustache' blog. Might not be your cup of tea, but its a good perspective on how to tackle spending money.

I know you didn't ask for views on your relationship, but you don't talk about your OH in a way that shows a passion to be with him and build a life together. I won't comment on his situation, but I would say be certain that you are right for each other and not just convenient. You seem to have a good attitude towards money and being financially responsible; life is easier if you are both like that!

positivelypunked

I don't really know how to talk about him without seeming to brag or be boring because I always seem to talk about him outside the forum. He always makes time for me . It's just a bit difficult for him at the moment but when he gets on his feet he'll look for a job

He doesn't mind me staying over for a few days . He says it's up to me if I want to come down and stay.

He's one of those where he likes to be told but not asked ... he says it's my own choice.

Caroline_a

positivelypunked wrote: »

I don't really know how to talk about him without seeming to brag or be boring because I always seem to talk about him outside the forum. He always makes time for me . It's just a bit difficult for him at the moment but when he gets on his feet he'll look for a job

He doesn't mind me staying over for a few days . He says it's up to me if I want to come down and stay.

He's one of those where he likes to be told but not asked ... he says it's my own choice.

What do you mean by this? Is he ill or disabled? Sorry to sound harsh, but unless he is either of these, there is no reason why a young man shouldn't be either in work or actively looking for a job. Otherwise you could find yourself paying for everything for a long time...

If he likes to be told stuff, tell him to get a job!