KonMari 2016 - The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up

Wednesday2000

Fen1 wrote: »

I'm married, just the two of us, plus 2 moggs. Did you see the recent 'Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners' featuring the husband with the model train shop and the wife desperate for a tidy home? That's a bit like us. OH is also Asperger, so doesn't notice or care about things. OH's work is very demanding and detailed, so all of his energy is spent at work ( beyond ironic that his work has to be super meticulous.) When he's at home he's exhausted. He has zero interest in the home, and is resentful if I ask him to do something. I can be in agony, and he still does not lift a finger to help, and if I do ask, he strops.
It has been very, very difficult over the years, and I have seriously considered leaving on several occasions.

The house is rented. I have always lived in rented, never had my own home, even as a child. Not having my own nest has a profound effect on me ( hoarding, untidiness, overwhelmed at the futility of polishing a t*rd )

So the not-unpacking. Bit of a symptom and a symbol of all my resentment and frustration and anger.

Bit of a b*ggr really.

That is really unfair on you.:mad:

mrs-moneypenny

Morning all
Hugs Fen, that does sound a really difficult situation.
Hope everyone is as well as can be.
Went through the bags from mils, 3 already in the clothes bank, 1 earmarked for CS, and 1 for rags for dd1s workplace.
Finished another book, really enjoyed this one and think my mum will so I'm saving that for her.

Just got dd2 and her family round for dinner so going to do food then perhaps a bit of watering and pottering I the garden and then make that plait.

Have a joyful day all.

greenbee

Fen - the hotel was in Lund, a small university town in Sweden, about 45 minutes from Copenhagen. It was lovely. And probably not cheap (work pay, I try not to think about the bills...).

Re. the shopping/getting out. I don't have the health problems that you do, but I do work from home most of the time, which can be quite isolating. As a result I tend to try to shop locally on a daily basis for the stuff that I can. It's good for me to get out for a short walk, and often if I don't feel like it, the need for a pint of milk or whatever gets me out in the fresh air and interacting with people. It also means I know the staff in the village shop and they know me, so I can have a chat as well, which helps with the isolation. Plus you don't have the exhausting prospect of putting away the whole week's shop in one go (believe me, I've done what you do - it's a daunting prospect at times even when you're not ill).

I think you also need to have a long hard think about your marriage and what is best for the pair of you. You need to think about why you are still together, and whether you would be happier and healthier alone. I'm afraid those are questions that only you can answer - and your husband if he's prepared to engage in the conversation. Maybe book a session with relate - if he won't go, there's still value in going on your own. And remember, if one person thinks there is a problem with a relationship, there's a problem, even if the other person thinks it is fine.

As for the hoarding/state of the house, have a look at the hoarders thread, which is a little different from this one. Think about whether you can do something that will make an overall improvement, or alternatively clear a space that you can have as a sanctuary.

I have thoroughly cleaned most of the bathroom. And the downstairs loo. And am doing the laundry. I need to hoover and mop the whole of upstairs, and then make some headway in the garden. So it'll all be lovely for when the builders start making dust again tomorrow

Then again, hopefully most of the really dusty work is finished, so maybe the next week won't be so bad. They've got a lot to get done by next Friday...

MMF007

Oh Fen, that must be tough for you. You can only change what you can, iyswim. Sounds like you are on the MK train, as Mavvy puts it, and you are making progress so keep at it. It matters not that the home is rented, plenty of folk live in rented accommodation long or short term, you can still organise things how you want them (albeit that you can't necessarily alter the fixtures).

On reflection MK offers us an alternative to the usual 'de cluttering' method of deciding what to chuck out, she expects us simply to hold on to the joyful items (use that term broadly, some things spark joy simply because they are so useful or essential! ), and release the rest. As your OH seems disinterested it seems to me that you therefore have free rein to choose what to keep?!

i have found that reducing the amount of Stuff I have around me has reduced anxiety and freed up time to do more enjoyable things than rummaging through heaps of carp trying to locate whatever it is I need at the time. Although I have plenty still to do I feel I am winning!

((O))

M

Siebrie

Hi Fen, it sounds as if you are in an awful situation. Can you just continue on your own, declutteringwise? This may not hit the nail at all, but for me it is very difficult to declutter on my own. I have a very reactive personality, and I have to force myself to be proactive. Once I get going, I can fly, but the moment I land (and especially if dh is lying on the sofa, whining about the mess and watching films at the same time), I find it difficult to get airborne again.

Beate

I can't get over the fact how quietly beautiful I find the cover of Spark Joy. It's so elegant with the light blue on white pattern and her name in gold. And that bright green elasticated band as bookmark is sheer genius. All books should have one! She makes me actually want to buy her book, the crafty miss. I haven't got the first book in front of me, but this one seems to make a lot more sense. She suggests to take pictures of the clutter to see how far you've come - why didn't I think of that?

maddiemay

Beate wrote: »

I can't get over the fact how quietly beautiful I find the cover of Spark Joy. It's so elegant with the light blue on white pattern and her name in gold. And that bright green elasticated band as bookmark is sheer genius. All books should have one! She makes me actually want to buy her book, the crafty miss. I haven't got the first book in front of me, but this one seems to make a lot more sense. She suggests to take pictures of the clutter to see how far you've come - why didn't I think of that?

I am totally with you on this, I just love this (borrowed from the library) book. I also think that it is much clearer on the keeping of essential items of clothing and household items than the first one, even if they are not oozing with pure joy.

flubberyzing

Oh Fen, that sounds hard.
It reminds me a little of my sisters situation. I guess, somewhat fortunately, she and her partner are both aspergers, which presents in different ways. Both are extremely socially awkward and isolated, apart from having each other. Neither have any friends beyond the odd friendly work colleague, but they've never reached the stage of meeting up with colleagues outside of work. As far as I'm aware, my sister hasn't really had what I would call a close friend since she hit puberty. So, many, many years ago.
He led a bachelor life until he was nearly 40 and has an extremely well paid, techy job in London. She also works full time. And yet they live in an extremely run-down, filthy, ex-council house. But could, if they chose, have a LOVELY place somewhere. He earns, with bonuses, a 6-figure salary. They are happy enough, but the place is squalid. I am loathe to visit there, and would certainly never sleep over, or even take my shoes off.
Heaven knows, I'm not one to judge. I'm not exactly Miss Cleanliness myself, but I haven't reached the level of leaving actual pieces of dropped food on the floor, which they do.
I do find myself worrying about what they will do/how they will cope as they get older.


Like you, I've also rented my whole adult life. As a single person, with one income, I just don't have the money to buy. I do have a fairly reasonable deposit saved, but just don't have the confidence to make the leap. I've also been thinking of maybe setting up one of those new 'help to buy' ISAs, but again, I just can't see myself actually benefiting from it any time soon.


In town this morning I bought myself a book, "The life changing magic of not giving a f**k". I've been feeling a bit bogged down with anxiety lately, and trying to please too many people. I read the first few chapters, but it only succeeded in making me feel more anxious! I think I shall try again another time.

PollyWollyDoodle

Fen1, sorry to hear about your circumstances - I wasn't meaning to make assumptions about your reasons for finding it hard to get the shopping put away, just thinking of things that I know have affected me. Your situation sounds very difficult and I agree with what Greenbee says, if you're not happy then there's a problem, whatever your OH thinks or feels.

Many of us have found that the process of MK has made it easier to make decisions, cleared our minds and set us free to focus on what really brings us joy so I'd urge you to carry on as far as you can, even if you're not getting the support and encouragement you'd hope for.

GrannyKate

Just saying hi as I have returned tonight from 3 weeks across the pond. Had a great time but pig of a journey home with 8 hour delay due to missed connection. I was good and have bought just a few books back with me on history of places we visited and small gifts for youngest grandchildren. I spotted the MK book on display in a small town bookshop in the Deep South and thought of you all. I kondoed my guidebooks, leaflets and maps at nieces home before coming back. Suitcases empty, first washing on, labels, tickets etc in recycling. Large pile of mail waiting for us of which 98% already in paper recycling bin due for collection in the morning.

Back to the good MK work now