When Do I Tell Them?

Vikipollard

elisebutt65 wrote: »

So he doesn't want to ruin his side's family Xmas but is prepared to with his own kid's? And now he's sulking? I agree with the poster above. He's a kn*b.
But you should tell the kids now and it gives them a week before school goes back.

^^^^ This, in bucketloads.

I can understand his frustration, if he was consistent. But he's not, so time to take his head out of his backside.

OP, so very sorry for your loss as a family, and for how difficult a time this has been. My Mum died suddenly the day after my eldest son's 8th birthday (youngest was almost 7), and he still remembers now, but although they were upset at the time, in some ways it was more that they were worried about me. Gran was in a happy place, dancing and having lots of fun, but was watching over them to keep them safe.

I understand not telling them so far, but I agree that you should do so today. As for apologising - not in a month of Sundays. You've done nothing wrong. He had his view, you had yours.

peachyprice

splishsplash wrote: »

I think you could safely tell your younger children today. They are likely to be less upset than you might imagine at age 6 though, so don't be surprised if the main reaction is curiosity rather than grief. Their initial reaction is also likely to be quite short lived.

I agree with this.

I think you're over-thinking it and projecting your own grief on to how you think the children will react.

At 6 most children don't understand the concept of death, especially if someone outside their direct household dies. They're likely to just accept it as a statement of fact and carry on. I personally would have told them at the time, but that ship has sailed, so now you need to tell them asap. It will make life much easier if your husband can tell them why your upset and leaving the room.

consultant31

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I would tell the children now. As someone else said, they don't really understand the concept at this age and, though they will be upset, it won't spoil the rest of their holiday.
I think the fact that your husband has not spoken to you throughout Christmas because of how you have chosen to handle this matter - not for your sake but for the children - is hateful. He should be ashamed of himself.
You've kept up this pretence to save your children pain at Christmas time, and instead of supporting you through the loss of YOUR sister, he chooses to behave like a tw*t :mad:

Pollycat

I'm sorry for your loss too.

I think it's the right time to tell them now.

Can you have some sort of activity planned for afterwards - maybe a trip to the cinema, local park, McD's (Yuk! I know - but kids seem to like it) or some family game to try to take their minds off the sad news?

I too think your husband should have been much more supportive of you and your decision during this very stressful and distressing time.
I hope he has a good think about how poorly he has treated you.

Best wishes.

Person_one

Sorry for your loss OP.

On your husband's behaviour, no its not ideal but possibly yours isn't either and I basically think everybody gets a free pass this close to such an awful bereavement. Nobody is quite themselves and everybody handles it differently.

I think you were right to let the kids enjoy Christmas Day, but agree with other posters that the time has come to tell them now. The idea of having something nice and distracting planned for later in the afternoon is a good one.

heuchera

benrben wrote: »

I've mentioned on this forum before that my sister was terminally ill, sadly she passed away 5pm Christmas Eve. I didn't tell my 2 youngest children aged 6, rightly or wrongly, I wanted them to have as normal Christmas as possible, my husband disagreed & said we should as it would be hard for me to "happy" and they would pick up on atmosphere and worry anyway.
I had tears that night, but every time I felt them coming on, I went outside into the cold to get something from the freezer or to the toilet. The kids went to bed happy & excited, though I didn't sleep a lot, when they came bouncing in the next morning I thought I'd made the right choice.
Everything went well, until my husbands sister rang, was a bit shocked tbh, they're not close & don't usually speak xmas day, it was really hard hearing them chat/laugh on the phone, so quietly asked my husband to leave the room with the phone, when he ignored me, I burst into tears and run out. In hindsight, I should've just left the room when I started to feel upset.
Anyway, husband went all dramatic & said he knew I'd not be able to cope, felt embarrassed he had to cut his phone call off with his family in order to deal with my "mess" & was just going to bluntly tell the kids there & then, luckily my adult son who is severely disabled told him to stop acting like a diva & show some compassion. I have held it together well after that, no tears, they've had a good christmas.
Since then, he hasn't spoken a word to me unless in front of the kids or to push me to tell them (yet he's not told his family when he rang them back yesterday, didn't want to ruin their xmas), I don't want to tell them yet, I want to wait until later in the week, New Year means nothing to them yet, so was planning around then, give them a few days before they go back to school to come to terms with it.
Please give me your honest opinions, they knew she was poorly, knew that she wasn't going to get better, so it won't be a total shock, I, rightly or wrongly just don't want them to associate christmas with family death & grief at their age, there is no "good time" to tell them, have I made it worse as my husband suggests? I've already apologised for crying & running out of the room ruining his conversation, should I bite the bullet, tell them the truth now & apologise to him for not doing it straightaway?
Sorry for bringing my woes on here

Sounds like an episode of EastEnders...

You need to at the very least tell your younger kids that mummy's feeling sad at the moment. That way at least you don't have to feel you need to bottle things up.

SandC

So sorry for your loss. Must be awful for you.

You should tell your two youngest asap. Really children are incredibly resilient and you don't need to worry about them right now, although I do agree you did the right thing on Xmas day.

In actual fact you will be able to grieve only when the people around you know what has happened. You may well find it easier, your children will understand why you need to go off by yourself sometimes - right now they just see parents acting oddly. I do speak from experience, best to be open even if they don't have a complete understanding.

Most of all right now, be kind to yourself.

Your husband hasn't handled this well but again once it's out there I'm sure he will be the supportive husband and father that he needs to be.

LoveLifeAgain

peachyprice wrote: »

I agree with this.

I think you're over-thinking it and projecting your own grief on to how you think the children will react.

At 6 most children don't understand the concept of death, especially if someone outside their direct household dies. They're likely to just accept it as a statement of fact and carry on. I personally would have told them at the time, but that ship has sailed, so now you need to tell them asap. It will make life much easier if your husband can tell them why your upset and leaving the room.

I agree with this, tell them with as little drama as possible and they will surprise you how quickly they are back to normal, children are more resilient than we give them credit for, then tension will be eased and you can grieve openly and hopefully hubby will support you.
Really sorry about the loss of your sister.

benrben

Thank you for all your replies, I am going to tell them today, they have a birthday party to go to, when they get back from that, I will sit them down & talk to them. I had semi prepared them before Christmas that their Auntie was going to become a star with their Nan, Grandad & Uncle (all of whom died before they were born), I have bought a telescope, so going to set that up for later, luckily because of where we live it gets dark very early so we can use that.
We have friends with their kids flying across tomorrow for the New Year as usual, so that will help take their minds off things too.
My husband is not a bad person, he has been lucky in that he has never experienced a close bereavement & I think he feels detached, he never met my sister, although we've been married 8yrs now, it's just never happened, partly because of where we live & where she lived & that he works offshore & overseas so she tended to visit when he was away & vice versa.
I agree, I could have left the room & did say in hindsight I should've, but in my defence there, I was on the floor helping the kids build their lego castle, he was sat on a sofa watching tv.
I think the people suggesting I'm projecting my grief onto them may be right to a degree, but they adored their Auntie, they spoke to her on the phone & skyped her 4/5 times a week, whenever anything important happened (in their minds), after us in the house, she was the first person they told, so it will be the things like that they will miss.
heuchera I wish it were a soap episode, we were very close albeit there is a 17yr age gap, I was 7 when my mum died, after that, she did all the things a mum would normally do for their child, I will miss her more than words can ever really describe.

Thank you again everyone who took the time to offer words of advice, it is really appreciated

Goldiegirl

I am sorry to hear your loss.

I think you are right to tell your children without further delay.

You obviously know your children best, and you have a belief system about stars.

But children unfortunately need to learn about death at some point, so this may be the opportunity to be truthful about what dying means, rather than concentrating on stars, which sounds a little bit confusing, if I'm honest.

My great grandmother died when I was about 6, and I remember being told about it and talked to my parents about it, so 6 is not too young. Indeed, I've just noticed you were 7 when your mum died, so you know more about it than anyone - just think how you felt, and how much you wanted to understand and talk, and for people to be honest with you.

My best wishes to you