When Do I Tell Them?

benrben

I've mentioned on this forum before that my sister was terminally ill, sadly she passed away 5pm Christmas Eve. I didn't tell my 2 youngest children aged 6, rightly or wrongly, I wanted them to have as normal Christmas as possible, my husband disagreed & said we should as it would be hard for me to "happy" and they would pick up on atmosphere and worry anyway.
I had tears that night, but every time I felt them coming on, I went outside into the cold to get something from the freezer or to the toilet. The kids went to bed happy & excited, though I didn't sleep a lot, when they came bouncing in the next morning I thought I'd made the right choice.
Everything went well, until my husbands sister rang, was a bit shocked tbh, they're not close & don't usually speak xmas day, it was really hard hearing them chat/laugh on the phone, so quietly asked my husband to leave the room with the phone, when he ignored me, I burst into tears and run out. In hindsight, I should've just left the room when I started to feel upset.
Anyway, husband went all dramatic & said he knew I'd not be able to cope, felt embarrassed he had to cut his phone call off with his family in order to deal with my "mess" & was just going to bluntly tell the kids there & then, luckily my adult son who is severely disabled told him to stop acting like a diva & show some compassion. I have held it together well after that, no tears, they've had a good christmas.
Since then, he hasn't spoken a word to me unless in front of the kids or to push me to tell them (yet he's not told his family when he rang them back yesterday, didn't want to ruin their xmas), I don't want to tell them yet, I want to wait until later in the week, New Year means nothing to them yet, so was planning around then, give them a few days before they go back to school to come to terms with it.
Please give me your honest opinions, they knew she was poorly, knew that she wasn't going to get better, so it won't be a total shock, I, rightly or wrongly just don't want them to associate christmas with family death & grief at their age, there is no "good time" to tell them, have I made it worse as my husband suggests? I've already apologised for crying & running out of the room ruining his conversation, should I bite the bullet, tell them the truth now & apologise to him for not doing it straightaway?
Sorry for bringing my woes on here

74jax

I am so sorry for what you're going through.

My dad recently died and although, not my sister, know what it's like to lose someone do close to Christmas.

Personally I would tell them. Everyone can grieve together. Right now your husband is in-between, doing as you say despite him not agreeing.

I think the children should be told and you can accept what had happened, not telling them and ptetending it hasn't happened isn't something I would do.

splishsplash

I think you could safely tell your younger children today. They are likely to be less upset than you might imagine at age 6 though, so don't be surprised if the main reaction is curiosity rather than grief. Their initial reaction is also likely to be quite short lived.

Your reaction to telling them might be unexpected. I think we often manage our emotions by putting controls in place - 'I can't cry because it will upset the children'. If that control is gone, you may well find you fall to pieces just a bit. That's ok, you know. You need to grieve. It's a sad time and a sad time of year to lose someone. You will need support and family or close friends to help you through.

You husband doesn't appear to be very insightful in this regard at the moment. If he can't step up to the plate and support you, then find those who will.

My sincere condolences. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you over the past few days.

duchy

Well Christmas is over so have you now told the children ?

I'm not going to comment on your husband's behavour as I doubt anyone is thinking straight at the moment and kids pick up on this even if you hide your upset from them .

Been angry with your husband helps divert the anger you feel at your sister's death but can't express - and as for the phonecall - YOU could have left the room just as much as he could and with less chance of the kids knowing you were upset .

Stop putting it off Christmas is now OVER - bite the bullet and tell them - as for apologizing to your husband that's another matter entirely. Personally I wouldn't as in my world my H and I don't have to agree all the time and if one of us makes the wrong decision but for the right reasons then we respect the person's right to think differently. Of course if your husband always has to be right or is a sulker then I'd just leave him in the shed to sulk til New Year- but that's because I can't stand sulkers ;:)

jackieblack

I think that you did the right thing not telling your children straight away, given the timing, but I agree with the above that I think you should tell them today.

Your husband is being an unfeeling kn*b in my opinion, you have every right to be upset. There is nothing for you to apologise for, just let him sulk. He needs to grow up and get over himself. If he's not able to support you at this time he should be ashamed of himself :mad:

74jax

jackieblack wrote: »

I think that you did the right thing not telling your children straight away, given the timing, but I agree with the above that I think you should tell them today.

Your husband is being an unfeeling kn*b in my opinion, you have every right to be upset. There is nothing for you to apologise for, just let him sulk. He needs to grow up and get over himself. If he's not able to support you at this time he should be ashamed of himself :mad:

I think husband hs been put in a position though by op, he wants to tell his children his sil, their aunt has died, but is standing by his wife's decisions.

He can't really support her when she is pretending it hasn't happened.

I think it all needs to come out in open, he can then be supportive openly.

KRB2725

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it is a bit hypocritical not to tell his family, yet criticise you for the same behaviour. However, it may be that his anger is part of his own grief.

Now that Christmas itself is over, I think it may be time to tell them. You could then grieve together as a family and you won't feel the need or pressure to hide your upset.

mel48rose

jackieblack wrote: »

I think that you did the right thing not telling your children straight away, given the timing, but I agree with the above that I think you should tell them today.

Your husband is being an unfeeling kn*b in my opinion, you have every right to be upset. There is nothing for you to apologise for, just let him sulk. He needs to grow up and get over himself. If he's not able to support you at this time he should be ashamed of himself :mad:

My thoughts exactly. My heart goes out to you.

duchy

Or he may be thinking the more people know the more likely someone will say something in front of the kids ......or just feel as a family everyone should know ....or he could just be a kn*b as Jackie says. Either way the longer you put off telling children the harder it will be - and for them Christmas has happened - they've had their presents and their Christmas day so today is the day to sit them down and tell them- preferably together.

elisebutt65

So he doesn't want to ruin his side's family Xmas but is prepared to with his own kid's? And now he's sulking? I agree with the poster above. He's a kn*b.
But you should tell the kids now and it gives them a week before school goes back.

Spendless

Personally, I'd tell them today. Christmas Day and Boxing Day are over. I think you'll make it worse on yourself if you delay any longer. My condolences to you. x