Being alone at Christmas

pathtofreedom

I spent the last 5 Christmas's alone as I had no one ask me to anything. Someone did ask me this year, and I did really appreciate it, even though I wouldn't call myself lonely as such although I am very alone in life. Just as I've had to adapt to live this way so spending all my time alone is just how I live, unless it is people I pay like the cleaner once a week.

I think the difference between the people in your examples is they have got people who have asked them. Some people are quite happy to not have all the christmas fuss, I don't bother with decorations or anything in my own house. I don't get any presents either as I have no one to give to, or receive from, which did annoy me at first but you get used to that after a while. I think birthdays impact me more with that really, but even I have stopped buying myself cake or whatever for that now as what's the point.

It also depends on who is asking you, christmas can be stressful at the best of times, so being the invited guest can be a double edge sword. Yes it is nice to feel wanted, but it can add an extra element to the stress on the people hosting, especially if there are children involved. As it could make it very awkward with all the family in fighting being witnessed by an outsider. So if for some reason I get a lot of invites next year - which is doubtful - then it depends on how well you know the people, if you want to be that third wheel in someone else's family day. I risked it this year and was lucky it worked out, but I was very nervous about going before hand that I'd made a mistake agreeing.

I am 37 and don't have kids, and have never been married, so since I left home at 18 I've never had big Christmases anyway. For people who have been divorced or widowed it might hold more meaning for them I imagine and bring up a lot of memories of good times they might never have again. So it might be easier to just shut christmas out and ignore it then, rather than want to participate and have a reminder of grief it is raw.

For people who are house bound, or have no friends or family, being asked though might be their only contact to do something "normal" again for a while. This was why I did go when I was asked this year as it was having the chance to feel like a person again for a little while.

I do work full time, but half of that is from home, and when I'm in an office people don't talk really about themselves or go out. So I can go months without anyone actually asking me how I am, and genuinely be interested in the answer. For people who are to sick to work, or single parents cut off from work and family, or retired they might have no one to talk to beyond check out staff if they can even leave the house. So to me that is the type of people they are referring too, and people like myself, it isn't just making sure someone gets a meal and a card on that day. It is just one day to feel part of what millions of others are doing, and that someone cares enough to make sure you're included and having a good day. As for the rest of the year they might not have that, I know I don't.

FreeBear

Home alone at christmas, just me and the cat - Not that I want it that way, but I don't get the invites. On the bright side, I get to choose what to eat, drink, and watch without the arguments that seem to plague other households.

Money_maker

Everyone who reads or answers on here is on the internet, therefore they aren't really 'alone' as they have a lifeline with the outside world.

Alone is really for those who aren't asked if they want to spend Christmas with a relative, who sit at home alone getting depressed imagining everyone else having a good time. They may be housebound, they will not be PC savvy, they might have failing eyesight and be unable to read very well or they may be elderly and have forgotten (yes, forgotten) how to use the DVD player.

It's the ones who dont have a choice that suffer from loneliness.

barbarawright

Petra_70 wrote: »

I think that has a lot to answer for too Barbara.

I know a few people who are in the house a lot, and they say that they spend quite a bit of time on facebook and twitter, and they skype people, and also spend quite a bit of time chatting on message forums.

The internet is no replacement for real life people, and nobody should have friends and company on the internet ONLY, but it is a good source of entertainment and company if you are someone who doesn't have many people in your life who you see from day to day...

I have plenty of friends in real life. But they don't all live close by so today, after socialising in the morning, I have mostly been watching telly while discussing my viewing on Facebook. What is wrong with that? I know the prevailing view here is that Facebook is all playground drama but that's not been my experience at all.

(For what it's worth, I didn't spend Christmas alone though I have done a couple of times in the past. It was fine)

Petra_70

Money_maker wrote: »

Everyone who reads or answers on here is on the internet, therefore they aren't really 'alone' as they have a lifeline with the outside world.

Alone is really for those who aren't asked if they want to spend Christmas with a relative, who sit at home alone getting depressed imagining everyone else having a good time. They may be housebound, they will not be PC savvy, they might have failing eyesight and be unable to read very well or they may be elderly and have forgotten (yes, forgotten) how to use the DVD player.

It's the ones who dont have a choice that suffer from loneliness.

Interesting answer and good to have a different perspective.

Interesting post also from 'path of freedom.' (Post #12.) Thank you.

Lots of good responses from everyone. Thank you.

Petra_70

barbarawright wrote: »

I have plenty of friends in real life. But they don't all live close by so today, after socialising in the morning, I have mostly been watching telly while discussing my viewing on Facebook. What is wrong with that? I know the prevailing view here is that Facebook is all playground drama but that's not been my experience at all.

(For what it's worth, I didn't spend Christmas alone though I have done a couple of times in the past. It was fine)

I agree: I actually enjoy facebook, and have lots of fun and laughs and chat on there with my friends and family. I think it's a certain type of person who lives out drama on facebook. And I think very few people on this forum fall into that category - although I am aware that some people KNOW people like that! Anyone who I knew who was like that was defriended a long time ago!

And re your first sentence, I also have friends away from facebook too. Just because people have a lot of facebook pals, and internet pals, that doesn't mean they have no life outside the internet.

PasturesNew

Also, some people invite waifs/strays simply because they can't stand their own families - and invite them hoping that their own feral household will "be on best behaviour" as there's a guest present.

That's just not a good deal for the invitee.

Hermia

barbarawright wrote: »

I have plenty of friends in real life. But they don't all live close by so today, after socialising in the morning, I have mostly been watching telly while discussing my viewing on Facebook. What is wrong with that? I know the prevailing view here is that Facebook is all playground drama but that's not been my experience at all.

(For what it's worth, I didn't spend Christmas alone though I have done a couple of times in the past. It was fine)

I don't like Facebook, but do like Twitter. It's not just about whether you have friends in real life, it's also whether you can find people who 'get you' in real life. I have some non-mainstream interests and it can be hard to find people in real life to share them with. I did watch some foreign films yesterday and was discussing them with people online. I definitely could not have done that with anyone I know in real life! I do know a few elderly people who spend Christmas alone and it's not because of lack of invites. It is because they are quite eccentric and would find it hard to fit in with people.

Petra_70

Hermia wrote: »

I don't like Facebook, but do like Twitter. It's not just about whether you have friends in real life, it's also whether you can find people who 'get you' in real life. I have some non-mainstream interests and it can be hard to find people in real life to share them with. I did watch some foreign films yesterday and was discussing them with people online. I definitely could not have done that with anyone I know in real life! I do know a few elderly people who spend Christmas alone and it's not because of lack of invites. It is because they are quite eccentric and would find it hard to fit in with people.

Excellent points. I have several friends in real life (as it were,) who I get on with fine and have known for years; but on the internet, I have a bunch of folk who are a bit nuts like me, and love the same things, and rave about the same film star I like, and the same pop star, and they like lots of similar things. I know 20 people like this on the internet, and yet I rarely meet people like this in real life.

I could count on the fingers of one hand the amount of people who I totally 100% click with in real life, but I have found almost 2 dozen like this in 3 or 4 years on the web, and we have great internet relationships. I have met 5 or 6 of them in real life, and we got on just as well. We don't see each other often but have great rapport on the internet... Meanwhile, I have 3 good pals who I see for coffee and drinks out every month or so who I have a different friendship with; still good though.

barbarawright

Petra_70 wrote: »

Excellent points. I have several friends in real life (as it were,) who I get on with fine and have known for years; but on the internet, I have a bunch of folk who are a bit nuts like me, and love the same things, and rave about the same film star I like, and the same pop star, and they like lots of similar things. I know 20 people like this on the internet, and yet I rarely meet people like this in real life.

I could count on the fingers of one hand the amount of people who I totally 100% click with in real life, but I have found almost 2 dozen like this in 3 or 4 years on the web, and we have great internet relationships. I have met 5 or 6 of them in real life, and we got on just as well. We don't see each other often but have great rapport on the internet... Meanwhile, I have 3 good pals who I see for coffee and drinks out every month or so who I have a different friendship with; still good though.

That's exactly it. I like being able to, say, post that I'm watching a certain film and then all sorts of people who don't know each other will all talk about it. And sometimes I notice that they've friended each other which is nice. I'm also in a few groups for various hobbies (The Archers, a particular actor, a book series). I've made plenty of real life friends online