Wife overspent for Xmas, what to do?

Beckyy

I would try and return some of the things bought, even if only for a very small amount it shows that you're serious about trying not to end u in a lot of debt.

Could you get rid of all but 1 CC purely for emergencies? Then once you've rebuilt your savings get rid of that too. I know the cashback etc. can be a bonus but when situations like this arise they blow all of that away.

I would sit down and try and have a proper chat about it, that you don't feel you should book a holiday next year etc. and see where it leads. Best of luck.

mai_taylor

pollypenny wrote: »

Surely the priory should be no debt? There's no putting a foot down, the spendthrift should grow up and be responsible.

If that means Christmas presents for the child and a small one each fir the adults, as well as no holiday this year, so be it?

OP said his job isn't the most secure.

They have money to cover it so they aren't in debt. Yes they shouldn't go on holiday but it's not for the op to decide on his own he needs to talk to his wife, it sounds like communication is a big problem here.

Goldiegirl

I also think the pair of them need to sit down and discuss this as equal adults, with no talk of forbiding holidays or taking credit cards away.


For all we know, the wife thinks the husband is incurably mean with money, and is fed up with him being a tightwad - we only have one side of the story here.


They need to find a middle ground they can compromise on, and agree the way forward. (that may include not moving house at the present time)


I'm normally a fan of joint finances, but in cases where the partners attitude's to money are very different, maybe a joint bills account, where a pro-rata amount is paid in each month, based on their salaries, and the rest is the individuals own to do what they want with. And if one goes overdrawn on their sole account or spends on their own credit card, then it's nothing to do with the other one

securityguy

"the direct debit for the main credit card will be taken this week and I've worked out this will put us well over £1k into our unarranged overdraft"

Having a DD for your credit card if the consequence is an unauthorised overdraft is a bit risky. The credit card certainly isn't a cheap way to borrow money, but it's cheaper than unauthorised overdrafts in most cases (there are exceptions) and certainly less injurious to your credit rating.

elsien

Completely off topic, but am wondering why if both partners work someone considers it's the wife's responsibility to hand wash the clothes if the washing machine breaks? Regardless of who spent what, that would be very controlling, treats her like a child to be punished, and you'd hope household chores would be split a little more equally in this day and age.

pelirocco

maman wrote: »

Not sure if you mean me?


I was assuming that when they set up a budget for 2016, an amount for holiday saving will be part of that. My idea was that if wife overspends then amount comes from the holiday savings. Seems I'm not making myself clear today:o.

No it wasnt you , sorry cant get used to this new lay out and thought I was quoting someones post !

wishus

I feel for you jozxyqk, and vent away, it's not going to do any harm.

In my previous relationship, I had to return 'treats' my partner bought for himself as we had no money left to pay the electricity bill, and boy did that sourness last and last. He became more secretive about his spending and finances and when we split he'd quietly run up a debt of £12K. Fortunately, that was from his own account, so he had to cover that.

Look at the positives here. She has gone a wee bit crazy, but it's not like she doesn't know the value of money or what credit cards do, her honesty with you shows that. She made a decision to spend on what seemed like the most important priority at the time, one at odds with everything you had rationally agreed together, which is why you are annoyed now. How could she have been so shortsighted?

You are both feeling the stress of Christmas finances, both feeling the pressure and obligation to provide for your family. If we were all about what is wisest, most rational and best for our happiness, we would not bother with Christmas at all. But there are all these external factors - tradition, advertising, family, friends - punching at you like mortar shells. You are still both allies, but she's the one who took a hit. When that happens, you have the choice to drop your ally in the mud, or throw her on your shoulder and carry her until you're both clear on the other side. Up to you!

Perhaps she already knows how you feel. If she's winding you up further by being defensive, stay calm, it won't last. You've looked at the damage and you know you're fine at the moment, but things will need to be tighter in Jan/Feb. Just stay calm and keep talking, work out a contingency plan for the job situation.

Fripperies like treats and pricey pre-prepared lunches tell me she's looking for quick happiness fixes. Since the recession, there has been a boom in sales of coffee and trips to nail salons, as these are seen as affordable treats. Having financial goals like a new house/holiday are all well and good but might be a bit long term for her to focus on. Try thinking of shorter term happiness goals. Somewhere she's like to go that won't cost anything or is free? Get a friend to babysit while you do her a home-cooked candlelit dinner, or go to a free pub comedy or band night (just don't drink loads!)? Run her a bubble bath?

When you're worried about money it can wear you down. My OH has anxiety issues, so I'm all about the stress-free and short term happiness goals. This is the most stressful time of year for good reason.

Good luck with this. Lots of calm... then talk. I'm sure you can sort it all out.

jozxyqk

First up, thank you everyone for your comments, including those that have been critical. As I said at the top, I was part asking for advice and part venting as I felt angry and let down. It looks ugly but that's what I was feeling this morning. I now have a better perspective and I'm grateful for being able to come here and not be judged, on the whole. The alternative was to simmer and take all that anger home - not good.


The recurring theme has been the lack of communication. This is spot on. It feels like we've been walking on eggshells this year for various reasons. And between work, childcare and chores there is no 'us' time in all honesty.


I'll make sure we talk about our finances after Xmas. Maybe she'll have a better idea for the way forward.


Oh, and no presents are going to get returned unless there's something daft that we *really* can't afford.


Merry Christmas, all.

jozxyqk

wishus wrote: »

I feel for you jozxyqk, and vent away, it's not going to do any harm.

In my previous relationship, I had to return 'treats' my partner bought for himself as we had no money left to pay the electricity bill, and boy did that sourness last and last. He became more secretive about his spending and finances and when we split he'd quietly run up a debt of £12K. Fortunately, that was from his own account, so he had to cover that.

Look at the positives here. She has gone a wee bit crazy, but it's not like she doesn't know the value of money or what credit cards do, her honesty with you shows that. She made a decision to spend on what seemed like the most important priority at the time, one at odds with everything you had rationally agreed together, which is why you are annoyed now. How could she have been so shortsighted?

You are both feeling the stress of Christmas finances, both feeling the pressure and obligation to provide for your family. If we were all about what is wisest, most rational and best for our happiness, we would not bother with Christmas at all. But there are all these external factors - tradition, advertising, family, friends - punching at you like mortar shells. You are still both allies, but she's the one who took a hit. When that happens, you have the choice to drop your ally in the mud, or throw her on your shoulder and carry her until you're both clear on the other side. Up to you!

Perhaps she already knows how you feel. If she's winding you up further by being defensive, stay calm, it won't last. You've looked at the damage and you know you're fine at the moment, but things will need to be tighter in Jan/Feb. Just stay calm and keep talking, work out a contingency plan for the job situation.

Fripperies like treats and pricey pre-prepared lunches tell me she's looking for quick happiness fixes. Since the recession, there has been a boom in sales of coffee and trips to nail salons, as these are seen as affordable treats. Having financial goals like a new house/holiday are all well and good but might be a bit long term for her to focus on. Try thinking of shorter term happiness goals. Somewhere she's like to go that won't cost anything or is free? Get a friend to babysit while you do her a home-cooked candlelit dinner, or go to a free pub comedy or band night (just don't drink loads!)? Run her a bubble bath?

When you're worried about money it can wear you down. My OH has anxiety issues, so I'm all about the stress-free and short term happiness goals. This is the most stressful time of year for good reason.

Good luck with this. Lots of calm... then talk. I'm sure you can sort it all out.

What a lovely post. Very perceptive and kind

BarryBlue

ViolaLass wrote: »

If you don't feel you can trust her with the credit cards, get rid of them.

If that doesn't work, then get rid of the wife!

May sound drastic but I used to have a wife that seemed to have no idea of the consequences of getting into debt. I spent a lot of time and effort years ago trying to keep the finances on track, as many young couples do. Yet I was constantly undermined by her wasting money on unnecessary rubbish, especially around this time of year.

A change of wife was the best thing I ever did, not least because it improved my finances so dramatically and removed all money-related stress from my life for good. This solution may not work for everyone but it worked for me. Ex-wife ended up with someone who is equally irresponsible with money and, predictably, they are always short of money despite having a decent joint income.