Wife overspent for Xmas, what to do?

heuchera

getmore4less wrote: »

if the washing machine breaks then tough she washes by hand till the money is saved up.

More likely she sends it all to the launderette and gets them into even more schtuck financially

I think your wife needs to try and understand the cause of her spend-thrift tendencies, OP. Once you've found the cause (boredom, the buzz of spending, etc) then you can work on a solution.

Good Luck.

Pixie5740

Why is your way the right way? Couldn't the right way be somewhere between your frugality and her spending? Just how frugal are you? Maybe your wife doesn't want a bigger house more than she wants to enjoy life by spending a bit more money than you'd like.

Selling your Christmas presents just because your wife spent more than you'd like is childish.

You both need to sit down and discuss your finances and your saving goals. You both need to find a compromise you can live with rather than your way or the highway.

DKLS

Communicate with the poor woman, no raised voices just simply communicate to find out what the issues are if any, and how you resolve them as a couple.

seven-day-weekend

maman wrote: »

That's an option.


What I'd do is enjoy Christmas first. Don't say much about the financial situation. Don't make any approving comments but don't spoil the holiday for son by bringing it up now.


After Christmas then you must have a conversation about family finances going forward. Perhaps prepare the SoA so she can see it in black and white or better still prepare it together so she knows how much is available under each budget heading including which budgets are fixed/not to be touched and which could be flexible. Your wife needs to realise that all she can do is tinker with money between the flexible budgets. So she can choose whether to buy lunches or go to the hairdresser or buy things that son doesn't need. What she can't do is run up overdraft to 'print money'. Maybe you need to establish a 'personal spends' budget each which she can fritter on what she likes if that's what she wants but when it's gone it's gone. You can save yours if you like but you don't have to.

How can he enjoy Christmas knowing that their wife has put them £1k into the unauthorised overdraft, and that he has had to use savings to deal with this? I couldn't.

I personally think her behaviour is very selfish. However I do agree that they need to have a budget and stick to it, maybe have all the bills come from an account in his name only that she can't touch, and only her spends remain in hers. Then when she runs out/uses up all her overdraft on junk, she may realise what she is doing.

Controlling? Maybe, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

jozxyqk

Thanks all for the replies. It is clear that there has been a certain amount of head-in-sand going on by both of us - neither of us likes a confrontation to be honest.


Stevie Palimo: Yes, a discussion and compromise is essential. Will be painful of course. I suspect she has spent a lot on me and selling presents would be a sharp shock, but I'm now thinking this would be a pretty spiteful thing to do, especially at this time of year. Different story if we'd gone into debt.


ViolaLass: Indeed. We've had 'joint' ccs for a long time. Spending has usually been well-controlled up to the last year.


getmore4less: I've said most of what you suggested several times and she's appeared to agree. I have gone through SOAs in the past and she has agreed to the amounts I set down...now that I'm writing this it is clear that this is very one way traffic. It appears she's just said what I wanted to hear and carried on regardless.


HappyMJ: Tempting. We have individual accounts that salaries are paid into, then a standing order transfers net salary minus an equal "spend" into the joint a/c. The "spend" is ours to do with as we please...I've been holding onto mine lately as I could see the joint a/c balance was falling. Part of the issue I think is that she sees her spending as things for us, hence 'joint' cc and joint a/c.


margaretclare: Thanks. This minimal-use policy is what we started with. As cashback / clubcard points have come in, we agreed it makes sense to use ccs for regular shopping...We've always paid in full by dd. Hence the slight panic now.


maman: Thanks. I'm a poor actor but I'll do my best to make Christmas enjoyable. Then we both need to grow up and behave like adults.


Lioness Twinkletoes: Yes, she works 4 days a week, I work full time. We both contribute to the joint finances in a proportionate way, net income less equal "spend".


p00hsticks: Fair comment. She did all the present shopping for our son. We each buy for our own families and shared the food etc shopping. I've suggested levels in the past but she tends to ignore them in favour of being generous.


pollypenny: Thanks. A lot depends on how much I get presents-wise of course. The overspending has been going on for several months but this month has brought it home. I'd love a holiday but there's no way I'd enjoy it if we were on the edge of debt.




Thanks again, I don't have anyone I can share these worries with and I appreciate the feedback.

pollypenny

emmatthews wrote: »

You obviously have differing ideas about money management, but I don't think it is up to you (or her) to decide which way is correct. You need to sit down and work out what will work for both of you.

You say you have a son, does your wife stay at home to take care of him or does she work? If she doesn't work, I think it may be worth having a chat with her about how she feels being at home. Whilst it is great being at home raising children, it is also hard. Could she be spending because of boredom or depression? Not saying it is the case, but worth considering.

If someone is running up debts, then I'd say is clearly is down to her partner to point out that hers is the not even money management!

Indout96

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Why is your way the right way? Couldn't the right way be somewhere between your frugality and her spending? Just how frugal are you?

His way is "right" because she spent money they don't have.
Maybe the goals they (he) has (new house) need to be talked about but spending money you don't have on presents is a disaster waiting to happen, OP says they have had had money problems before.

jozxyqk

I don't have time to reply individually again but some other info (not withheld intentionally):


She stays home with son 1 day. The other 4 she works and he's in nursery. I agree 100% that looking after a child solo is v difficult...it was her decision but she always looks worn out when I get in.


As for the reasons for overspending, I think only one person can answer that. I don't want to be controlling but at this rate we're heading into debt so we need to be frugal.


One thing I wasn't clear about: the savings are ours, not mine alone. So the bailing out money is ours at least.


Communication is vital, I agree, believe me I've tried. But it has to be 2-way...maybe counselling would be beneficial. I should've asked Santa for that...

getmore4less

jozxyqk wrote: »

getmore4less: I've said most of what you suggested several times and she's appeared to agree. I have gone through SOAs in the past and she has agreed to the amounts I set down...now that I'm writing this it is clear that this is very one way traffic. It appears she's just said what I wanted to hear and carried on regardless.

.

When you do a SOA do you track the spending to the plan

Start again with new SOA for 2015(needs to be a full year in detail), have the short and long tern goals agreed with a plan to save for them, holiday, next xmas, new house, car etc. with targets for next Dec.

Every month around pay day go through the plan and see where things are (needs a spending diary to track) you are on the egreed plan.

If not on plan adjust, if something new comes up not on the plan rework the plan to fit it in.

pigpen

'bailing out money' .. it is your savings.. maybe if you used your money for the stuff that is needed and saved a bit less she wouldn't need to have credit cards and then you wouldn't have to pay them..

Savings are for the things you cannot ordinarily afford and known upcoming expenses such as Christmas.

It is sounding like control through finances to a degree.. intentional or not.

Bin the credit cards for a start.. you can't use what you don't have..

Have a separate pot of money for Christmas stuff based on what was spent this year.. if there is some left over good.. put it with the general savings and start again.. has she spent some of that money on your extended family too??

You need to chill a bit.. and enjoy Christmas and stop being so OTT it's only money and it isn't like its £1000 you don't already have so you don't have to use an unauthorised overdraft she told you the money is coming out so transfer the money now to avoid fees.. I think you're over reacting. Is it really worth making all this upset over?? You have the money in a different account.. learn from it.. budget a bit more for next Christmas.. even if you keep it secret from her and transfer it on Christmas eve to counter her spending.. She won't change and neither will you but if you budget for it then it won't be a surprise.