Adoption, young children and saving money

Scarlett1

congratulations Ophie, hope it all goes well for you and your happy family, good health :beer:

seven-day-weekend

My birth mother has never been important to me although I bear her no malice and understand why she had me adopted. My mum was the dear lady who loved me and brought me up from six weeks old, and my dad the lovely man who helped her in this even though he was nearly 50 when I was born.

However , it IS important to some adopted children and therefore I agree with adopted children having the right to contact their birth family if they wish to when they are older and if it is done sensitively. (It should be their choice, not the birth family's).

But I don't think anyone suggested otherwise?

Justie

many congrats ophie and don't feel a fraud on the pregnancy thread you're an expectant mum just the same

if she's not very mobile you might find buying a sling is a good way of both bonding and getting out and about - that way she feels your physical protection and closeness but can still experience new things. It also means if she's clingy or unsettled in the house you can still carry her whilst keeping your hands free to do things.

Talk to her lots, sing to her, cuddle her and work out the rest at her pace - you'll soon work out what suits you both.

Good luck :beer:

Sammz

misty wrote: »

My comments were made in response to the OP's comments about feeling a fake on the other board.

She felt fake on a pregnancy board. And no wonder as she's not pregnant.

OP - Good luck! And I'm glad to hear you'll be keeping in contact with her other family. More often than not adoptees do want to keep in touch with the family and there are people in the family who had no say in the decision. I'm an adoptee and got in touch with my family when I was 25, I just wish it had been sooner.

misty

Sammz wrote: »

She felt fake on a pregnancy board. And no wonder as she's not pregnant.

OP - Good luck! And I'm glad to hear you'll be keeping in contact with her other family. More often than not adoptees do want to keep in touch with the family and there are people in the family who had no say in the decision. I'm an adoptee and got in touch with my family when I was 25, I just wish it had been sooner.

No - she's not pregnant but she is an expectant mother. Her concerns about her new child are going to be similar to some other expectant mothers and not to others.

Do you have statistics to support that more often than not adoptees do want to keep in touch with the family or is this just your opinion? I too am an adoptee, as is one of my closest friends and my sister adopted two children - none of us want to contact our birth family - however, I'm not suggesting that we are representative of adoptees nationwide.


"There are people who had no say in the decision" - although this was true - it certainly isn't the case now. One lady I know who is estranged from her family was considering having her baby adopted - and one of the many reasons she decided against it was because social services told her they would contact the immediate family to see if they would be willing to take the child before considering a non family adoption. So although it isn't always feasible, people do have some say these days.

It is only my opinion - I always knew I was adopted and therefore had no problem with it - but I feel - maintaining or searching for birth parents undermines the role of the adopted parent who is the one who goes through the growing pains and the highs and lows. The birth parent is essentially a stranger.

I think this thread has ( and I accept I have been a part of it) gotten away from the original question. But a happy birth/excpecting/adopting/becoming a mummy wish to the OP

Sammz

misty wrote: »

No - she's not pregnant but she is an expectant mother. Her concerns about her new child are going to be similar to some other expectant mothers and not to others.

I've never been on the thread but from the name of it I assumed it was about being pregnant. If I'm wrong then I apologise.

misty wrote: »

Do you have statistics to support that more often than not adoptees do want to keep in touch with the family or is this just your opinion? I too am an adoptee, as is one of my closest friends and my sister adopted two children - none of us want to contact our birth family - however, I'm not suggesting that we are representative of adoptees nationwide.

No stats, just 10 years hanging around adoption forums and knowing a quite a few foster kids. There is a difference between closed adoptions/reunion and never losing touch in the first place. I always had some curiousity but didn't have much interest in contacting mine until I was 25 so I can understand that not everyone will want contact. However, I've yet to meet a kid who is happy about being completely taken from their family. And that even goes for abused kids (but I can understand why contact wouldn't good in some of those cases, obviously)

misty wrote: »

"There are people who had no say in the decision" - although this was true - it certainly isn't the case now. One lady I know who is estranged from her family was considering having her baby adopted - and one of the many reasons she decided against it was because social services told her they would contact the immediate family to see if they would be willing to take the child before considering a non family adoption. So although it isn't always feasible, people do have some say these days.

I haven't heard of that before. In my opinion, a step in the right direction (as long as the parent isn't of any risk to the child, obviously). What are your thoughts on there could be a couple out there who had no say in losing their grandchild? My natural grandma said the decision her daughter made "broke her heart". And I couldn't imagine the pain my Mum would be in if me or my sisters had done that to her.

misty wrote: »

It is only my opinion - I always knew I was adopted and therefore had no problem with it - but I feel - maintaining or searching for birth parents undermines the role of the adopted parent who is the one who goes through the growing pains and the highs and lows. The birth parent is essentially a stranger.

I always knew I was adopted too and have never had any problems with it. I didn't search for parents, I had already been parented. My parents were happy and confident in how they had brought me up and knew that things wouldn't change between us. Actually, they came to me when I was 18 and told me just to let them know when I wanted to search.

Yes, my natural family were strangers but now they are friends and part of my extended family. And you can never have too many of them. Well, except when it comes to weddings That's gonna cost me a bit of money!

misty wrote: »

I think this thread has ( and I accept I have been a part of it) gotten away from the original question. But a happy birth/excpecting/adopting/becoming a mummy wish to the OP

It has but I hope the OP is interested, regardless

Edit: Oops, I did go on a bit. Sorry OP, just tell me to shut up and I will. Adoption is just something I blabber on about once I get going.

Ophie

It's fine, but to put anyones mind at rest or make them worse depending on your view.

I am aware of all the issues involved, I used to work for Social Services (scream, scream, scream run for the hills) and have dealt with chlidren going through adoption, children in foster care, children looked after by their own family etc etc.. My kids (not birth children, but my caseload, always referred to by me as my kids, and they refer to themselves as it) have been very clear in so far as they will come and tell me and others around me if I see them outside or in a pub (which they get shooed out of if they are underage by me) that I am (even though I don't work for SSD any more) the best Social Worker that they have ever had. My oldest kids are now 19, and I was involved for a long time with them.

I understand the position of those that have been adopted, and I never want to remove my daughter from any potential she has to know her family later in life. Currently her family are refusing to see her, again not my choice. She will know this when she is old enough and ready to know about it. But she will always know that I adopted her, and didn't give birth to her. I will be confident enough in the way that I have brought her up and confident enough in her help her meet/find her birth family and for her to form her own opinion of them without any input from me other than support.

But thank you all for your kind words and can I reassure you all that my daughter will not be ignorant of her situation, and will have nothing but positive comments made about her birth parents, but will also know the truth about them. The decision should she wish to and is capable to make it when she is older is hers.

Sammz

Ophie, I don't it was anything you said that put the thread off topic and the comments weren't directed at you. From what you've said I'm sure you'll make an excellent Mum!

bluep

Congrats Orphie on the adoption going through and your soon to be daughter!

A close friend of mine waited more than 3 years to adopt a chinese orphan of a similar age and after a few sleepless nights and both of them adapting, with lots of love, it has gone wonderfully. Children are so very adaptive at that age.

A loving home, openess and acceptance is what all children need and it sounds like you are well prepared to offer all of that. I suggest that what your new daughter will need most is lots of attention and care from you - to be made to feel secure and safe no matter what her background is prior to the adoption. I would take it in little steps - establishing a known and safe environment at home, then perhaps venturing to pushchair walks around your local park and so little by little you get a routine of times and places that she feels secure in knowing.

The photo album is a great idea - this is how we kept our 2 year old in touch with our families who live a long way away and because we had looked at her photo album regularly and talked about the people in it, she recognised them when we visited etc... Also good for establishing a link with her birth family to whatever extent that you decide it is a good idea.

Good luck with it all - don't spend too much money! Join all the supermarket toddlers clubs (tescos, boots etc...) and read up on discount threads here for ordering bulk nappies from tescos and boots and stocking up on the most points! Bulk cook meals and freeze them in little portions (I do 200g bags of things like tuna pasta bake, spaghetti bolog, fish pie, shepherds pie for my toddler). Stock up on vanish stain remover as it "saves" clothes that you thought would have to be thrown away!

Ophie

bluep wrote: »

Good luck with it all - don't spend too much money! Join all the supermarket toddlers clubs (tescos, boots etc...) and read up on discount threads here for ordering bulk nappies from tescos and boots and stocking up on the most points! Bulk cook meals and freeze them in little portions (I do 200g bags of things like tuna pasta bake, spaghetti bolog, fish pie, shepherds pie for my toddler). Stock up on vanish stain remover as it "saves" clothes that you thought would have to be thrown away!

Thank you very much.

Where is the bulk nappy buying thread please?

Also I have joined the tesco and boots ones.... what others have I missed?