Contacting adopted children. Leave it alone?

swingaloo

Thank you all for the replies, even the scathing ones!

Just to clear a few things up-

My husband has no intention of wading in and disrupting the girls life, he has just been talking a lot about her lately and we have been talking about various options. Which is why I asked for
opinions on here for more detached views.


I, myself would never do anything about it other than support my husband as it is not for me to intrude.

I agree my opinion is biased due to me having been in the same circumstances as his daughter.

To the poster who wondered why he dosent want to see her picture and thought that the reason was that he had no interest in getting too involved. That is not the case at all. The reason he will not look at the pictures is because he already finds the situation painful and says once he sees a picture she will not be just an unborn child he cant picture. He says he does not want to constantly see her face when he is thinking about her. Maybe Im not describing it properly but he feel she will be more 'real' for the want of a better word once he has the image and it will be more painful still.

To the poster who says he 'abandoned' his daughter-
You do not know my husband or how he thinks, the decision he took when he was younger, more easily swayed and less mature is one he has had to live with. It has affected his life greatly and he feels a real guilt although he says he truly believed at the time that he was doing the right thing for her security and happiness.
Abandoning a child he would have loved greatly (as he did her mother) was not something he would do and it has been a personal sacrifice which he has also had to come to terms with.

As I said before, my biological dad was in exactly the same position. I know my dad who brought me up was a very forceful bully and I know from what my mother told me that he gave this man a very hard time and told him to keep out of my life. Ive always wondered if he agreed gladly or if he felt as my husband did that he was letting me go to live in a secure family as clearly there was to be no future for him with my mum and me.
I have never felt abandoned by him but Im now living my life wishing I could have found him.

Neither my husband or I are stupid, heartless people and have no intention of causing upset. We dont know what she knows, of course we dont know if she would want any contact and if she did not then that would be accepted.
I asked for others opinions and have got them but I dont think that if you have not been in the situation of being adopted or separated from a child or birth parent that anyone can really understand.

But thank you all for the comments.

GlasweJen

It doesn't matter, no matter how you wrap this up the daughter is the one who should initiate contact.

Scenario 1 - the daughter knew all along about a real dad. She's never heard from him, never had a christmas card or birthday present or had any maintenance paid. She's almost 30 and has a mum and a dad who raised her and according to facebook is happy.

Scenario 2 - the daughter found out from another relative about her real dad when she was a bit older. Again she's never met the man, he's made no effort to contact her, there's been no birthday or Christmas cards, he wasn't even there when she was born even though her mum and a few relatives can confirm that he was offered his place to attend the birth.

Scenario 3 - the daughter doesn't know and one day gets a facebook message from a stranger who claims to be her biological fathers wife. Turns out this woman has been facebook stalking her and has known what's happening in her life for the last few years and dripping it to a man who has never bothered to contact her previously.

If she does know about her dad she might really resent the complete lack of contact and wont be amused about the fact that he's getting his wife to snoop on her from afar.

The mother has raised the child from day dot, dad abandoned her instead of working out a custody agreement or even letter box contact.

duchy

tea_lover wrote: »

I think abandon is absolutely the right word.

It seems to me that for 30 odd years the bio father has made absolutely no effort to contact this child - but is now married to a woman who doesn't want to let sleeping dogs lie (and only has one side of the story). The Dad s still very ambivalent and doesn't want to make an approach.

If after thirty years of mulling it over he still isn't sure - odds are he never will be.

As for he was so young when he made the decision - well he was old enough to get married and set up home with his wife - so he wasn't THAT young ! He may regret he didn't insist on contact with the child (and the rest of it doesn't really add up-so I do wonder if at the time he was so angry he was happy to see the back of his wife and all responsibilities -even if with time he now sees he did have choices which he hasn't taken up for 30 years)

Perhaps working out what his answer would be to "Why has it taken you thirty years to see if I am alright?" which is likely what he will be asked by his daughter or indirectly by is ex would help.

tea_lover

duchy wrote: »

It seems to me that for 20 odd years the bio father has made absolutely no effort to contact this child - but is now married to a woman who doesn't want to let sleeping dogs lie (and only has one side of the story). The Dad s still very ambivalent and doesn't want to make an approach

Yes - one thing that really struck me was that he refuses to even have a facebook account. It's not like he ever has to do anything with it, but surely if was holding out hopes for her getting in touch that would be one of the first ways she'd try?

anna_1977

Hi, I haven't read all the posts so not sure where it got to!

I am an adopted child, I always knew that I was adopted, my parents told me from as early as I can remember.

I cna't remember when the law changed but I'm pretty certain I'm correct is saying that the birth parent is NOT allowed to search for the child, this is for the protection of the child. Any contact should (and in my eyes rightly so) come via the proper channels from the child to the parent via social services post adoption team.

If my birth mother had contacted me or my family when I was 18 and from Facebook or any other scrupulous method I would be horrified and it not happy at all. At 18 I did not want to explore that and I think you need to remember that at the end of the day it is her life that could (not would) ultimately be ruined.

As it was for me, I chose to find my birth mother when I was 36 and it's been a great experience.

Please don't get him to wade into her life, I'm sure his intentions are for the best and it must be so incredibly hard for her but it's not worth the trauma and stress you could cause so many people.

Also, not sure if the GRO has been mentioned but he can register on there and they will be able to tell him whether she has made an attempt to find him....this also vice versa if she registers she would be told he already has

Good luck
x

Mojisola

anna_m wrote: »

I cna't remember when the law changed but I'm pretty certain I'm correct is saying that the birth parent is NOT allowed to search for the child, this is for the protection of the child. Any contact should (and in my eyes rightly so) come via the proper channels from the child to the parent via social services post adoption team.

If his daughter had been adopted, this would work.

As it is, the father doesn't know whether his daughter knows anything about him.

I still think getting her birth certificate is the place to start. If her step-father is named as her father, it's likely that she doesn't know that her birth father exists.

mumps

Mojisola wrote: »

If his daughter had been adopted, this would work.

As it is, the father doesn't know whether his daughter knows anything about him.

I still think getting her birth certificate is the place to start. If her step-father is named as her father, it's likely that she doesn't know that her birth father exists.

That is the point people seem to be missing, if her mother has put the 2nd husband down as the father the girl won't know she has a biological father so how can she go looking for him? I think you are right if they get the birth certificate and she was registered correctly then she will know about him and can contact him if wants to. If the mother has lied then that is a more complicated situation.

mumps

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I think, legally, if they married, she would have been 'a child of the marriage', which isn't the same as lying.

I thought you had to sign the register to confirm the details are correct? It is quite a while since I registered a baby so maybe I am out of date? If you do sign the register to say the details are correct how can it be anything other than lying if you know that isn't true. I think there are special rules for some cases e.g. some IVF or same sex couples, if there are special rules that must imply that in other cases you are expected to enter the biological parents names?

TBagpuss

Yes, you are. But people lie. And people don't always understand what they can and can't do. And it's not impossible that Mum was having an affair before she left and was uncertain about who the father was, and convinced herself it was her new partner not her husband.

If OP's husband gets a copy of the borth certificate ans sees that step-dad is down as the father then he will kinow that mum lied then, and that there is a strong possibility that his daughter has no idea that her step-dad is not in fact her biological father. If that's the case, then sitting back and waiting for her to decide if she wants any contact doesn't work, because you cannot make a choice if you don't know that there is a choice to make.

If the birth certificate is accurate, the the daughter probably knows, and certianly could know, and it is far more reasonable to leave it to her to make the first move.

Mojisola

TBagpuss wrote: »

If the birth certificate is accurate, the the daughter probably knows, and certianly could know, and it is far more reasonable to leave it to her to make the first move.

tea_lover wrote: »

he refuses to even have a facebook account. It's not like he ever has to do anything with it, but surely if was holding out hopes for her getting in touch that would be one of the first ways she'd try?

As tea lover says, that's a good reason to have a presence on FB.