Time to grow up.

Willowpop

Megano!
I've been catching up with your thread...lost you for a few weeks there! Found your thread agin and have caught up.

The rows are inevitable and normal...my husband and I planned a baby, I got pregnant and we still rowed about stuff. It'sjust emotions running high...you guys didn't plan the baby (kid) and in a way don't seem to have much choice if you want FLP to stay in the immediate family, so it is bound to throw up allsorts and be difficult at times. It'll be a big adjustment for everyone.
I do admire you both for stepping up though. I doubt you'll need to go mad, just make sure you have a nice, safe place to offer FLP.

Re dipping into your account...what was it for? Would it help to use cash for the next few months until the debt is totally gone? I take a set amount of money out at the start of the month (or you could do it weekly if you prefer). I spilt it between several envelopes... groceries, petrol, bus fare, car tax etc etc and I spend the cash through the month and nothing on my debit card. That way I'm not dipping into the money in my account so I know it's there for bills and debts etc. I move the money around too within the envelopes...so if I don't spend all of my petrol money one month, it goes to a savings envelope at the back of the box and if we want a takeaway, or if I need to bulk buy loo rolls or something, this would come from the savings envelope.
I find it really helps me keep track of what I'm doing with money...I keep £5 or so in my wallet for those 'we've no milk' moments on my way home from work.
Might be worth considering if you think it might work for you.

Kitten868

I was going to say get another account. I have our joint account for ALL of our direct debits (even contact lenses) everything so we have enough to cover them no worries. Then we each have a debit card for our own spending. Saves having to mess up direct debits and you know exactly how much you have.

I am so a can we do it yesterday girl. But I think he might be right on this one. Keep focusing on the debts and what needs doing now. Is there enough space for him where you are now?
I would keep your heads down and scrape together enough to buy somewhere. It'll be cheaper than renting and help you mentally feel like it's all ok.
In terms of stuff to fill the house there's freecycle and eBay and Facebook. You can get things cheaply or free very quickly so wait and see what you need.
I think you need to both step it up a notch with savings - he has to be on board this is for him too. No more £5 lunches. Can he do some evening bar work to bring in money while all this goes through? He won't be able to when baby moves in.

Of course you're arguing! It'd be weird if you weren't. It is normal. The only thing to get through is to talk after - to explain how much you love little man but how scared you are. That you're sorry for shouting. Then he can open up too (and apologise). You'll get through this but it's proper eastenders stuff. You can't just be cool about it. You're doing amazing xxx

Megano

Kitten868 wrote: »

I was going to say get another account. I have our joint account for ALL of our direct debits

Yeah thats what my santander account is for. All the household direct debits but I forgot to transfer OH's bill money into as he paid me into my TSB current account *woops* I never even dipped into it for any particular reason.

I just dipped into it because my brain seemed to think "oh extra money" lets go out for lunch, or get a new toy for FLP.
Really nothing much to report today. Still no word from the Lawyer which in my mind is a good thing. I think Ive made an adult choice and called the shrink asking for another appointment.

I know OCD flaires up at time of stress and I know its a cause of "distract, distract, distract" and not to feed the obsession *first thing your taught in CBT therapy* but this isnt any normal stress. This is nuclear "ohmygodohmygodohmygod" stress and Im finding it really hard to sleep, Ive also got this sick feeling Im carrying around with me. You know when you think you need to be sick that feeling at the pit of your tummy? Ive had that since Monday so its best to speak to someone sooner rather than later because this isnt going to be an overnight process.

One of our good friends has recently bought his first home really excited for him and he's telling us how its right in the city so it will be good for nights out and work and I felt really jealous as thats what OH and I had planned. A cool city center paid until we decided to settle down it just feels we are getting [STRIKE]pushed[/STRIKE] forced into family life.

Decided to start padding and I can see why its addictive. The original thought was to do the pence each day but before I knew it I had paid £4.76 off capital one. Must try to remember this debt busting isnt a sprint or a race so slow and steady.

The weather is HORRENDOUS! I think we are getting hit by some kindof storm so *cough* getting cab to work *cough*:A:A:A

Kitten868

Your PADs should be money you were going to spend on things you shouldn't buy. Like taxis or takeaway coffees. That way you're going to be actively confronting debt or silly purchase each time and seeing how your silly choices add up
Don't feel too hard done by. Gaining a family is very lucky and will make your life richer. You can still have nights out. I'm sure in laws can do sleep overs. He's worth it. That's what you have to focus on yes freak out like I said but reconcile yourself too. Because babies are magic xxx

Kitten868

I said that to be positive not preachy. You seem to be going down with it. You're doing the right thing seeing the therapist. And it's good to deal with feelings now but don't drag yourself down.
They are hard work but they prove they're worth it every day. You'll get to give him a much better life than he's ever had. You because you're loving and kind and patient. You won't judge him like your mum or use him as a pawn like his mum. You might have debt but you've carved out a brilliant life and he's going to join it xxx

Megano

Still no word from the lawyer however BIL, MIL and DIL have been asked to attend a children's panel on 8th of Feb in the hopes to get BIL more access to FLP because at the moment he only has 1 visit a week. Social services phoned and asked if OH and I could attend but the lawyer said it would be best if we "politely refused."
Yesterday we went to see FLP and honestly all doubts and fears in those couple of hours disappeared. He's changing on a daily basis and its amazing to see. The nursery gave him a wooden jigsaw and he can now complete it on his own and after him shouting my name a thousand times to go and play cars with him he then fell asleep in my arms and I was like okay...Im doing this.
We come home and FM tells us she's wanting to move out into her own place which is gutting. FM has been living with us for 6 months and shes no longer a flat mate, shes family. She's going to be my bridesmaid and if I ever wanted a godmother for FLP she would defo be one. As gutting as it is maybe its for the best because as soon as we are given the word from the lawyer we are going to have to start organizing a home for FLP for the house checks we will need to do as part of the adoption process (OH and I agreed we need help from Nana and Papa so we've agreed we are moving closer to them as right now we are 15 miles away) on a practical side it means Im £250 worst off when she's gone but then again maybe when she moves we might move as well to somewhere cheaper and she's said she's only started looking its not like she has a place lined up and is getting the keys tomorrow.
OH and I managed to have a civilized conversation *amazingly without any panic* about the future laughing about all the upcoming years of "You guys arnt my parents""I hate you""I want to stay with my dad" conversations we are bound to have when FLP becomes a teenager but then both OH and I couldn't get to sleep at all.
My OCD plays havoc at nighttime last night the "what ifs" were "what if I mess up his life even more?""what if hes a bully at school?""what if he ends up in jail?" "what if he commits horrible crimes?" and as soon as my mind went into overdrive about all that I was tossing and turning until 5am (think OH was having a similar night) and then up poor OH was up at 6.50am to go to work.I was woken by a sore stomach and without being too graphic I lost a stone in 5 minutes.
I really hope my shrink appointments come through soon. As I mentioned in an earlier post Ive completed CBT and Im much better than I was but this nuclear stress is just putting things into overdrive.
Anyway! In terms of debt busting I think I may have went overboard in terms of debt repaying last month I may have went a little overboard and left myself short (budget on paper and real life are two different things arn't they :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:) so Ive already given the bank of mum some advance notice and she's okay with maybe a bail out.
My mum and her boyfriend have not only offered to help me get the new place ready for FLP but she's offered to come out for a month once the adoption goes through to help me with FLP which would be amazing but I told her not to be so critical like she was at New Year.
£15 away to HMRC which means Im finally at 19% of my debt gone :j:j:j

Kitten868

Yay! Well done you Megano it all sounds good. Of course it's nerve wracking but it's also getting more real.
The answer to all those what ifs is that he has you. Going forward he has a 'parent' he can always rely on and go to even when he's wrong. That's what they need. All the rest is gravy
My advice would be to get a routine sorted out. My 2 year old is a devil without a routine and it is proven to make kids feel more secure.
Our routine is
Daily:
Up, breakfast. Play. Lunch at 12. Nap after lunch for 2 hours usually. Play. Dinner at 5. Play. Bed at 7. (Bedtime routine is pjs on and a story).
It's a really simple routine so I can stick to it when she's poorly and it's what suits us. It'll make you feel more in control too.
When the time comes you can look for mummy & me clubs in the mornings.
As for your fm it is sad but I think it benefits you both. She is going to stay family make the most of the last few weeks. She'll be auntie and come visit flp in the new place.
Glad you've got the money sorted xxxx

Megano

So OH called me yesterday apparently the social services report for BIL wasn't as bad as what everyone thought to according to the lawyer a member of the children's panel said:
"FLP isn't going anywhere for at least two years"
which is great but deep down Im like really?!?!?! So all that stress that OH and I have been having was for nothing? Also will that mean that BIL will get more access? *because just now he only get 2 hours once a week* So the whole "MIL and DIL is too old" but its okay for the next two years? So the whole its not an "if" but a "when" does that mean adoption is still on the cards?
Now I don't know if this is set in stone as 1) the actual children's panel meeting *made up of normal folk* was cancelled and 2) the social services meeting isn't until Monday.
Now clearly this is great. Im really happy for BIL and I hope he gets the access he's looking for but at the same time Im kinda a little annoyed it feels like "Megano! OH! Thanks for offering to totally change your lifes....but we'll get back to you if and when we need you"

If anything this news throws open more questions about OH and I future. Here's my thinking.
- FM is moving out now I dont know when but she is (she's viewing a place today so OH and I are crossing our fingers she doesnt like it). Do we:
A) Continue to live here as a couple. We can afford it but it means paying less to debts
Get another FM - if so how long for since the BIL situation seems to be like a roller coaster
C) Move somewhere cheaper - if so where? Do we stay in Glasgow which is ideal for us or Paisley to help out with FLP?
Down the line. When we can afford to buy our own place do we buy a flat for just us or do we get a family home incase we end up adopting FLP?
As I said I guess we'll find out on Monday more information but seriously this whole "up and down, backwards and forwards" situation is messed up it seems everyday there is more changes and more developments.

W1 have said there is no overtime for Feb at all ^Damn!^ As for W2 because Im on the late shifts Im only able to work at the weekend. Regarding W2 I narrowly missed out on green status which would give me access to the rota a day early to pick out my shifts so it means because Im amber I get the shifts that no one else wants :(:(
The CC DD came out and I made a top up payment of £35.06 so in total a payment of £44 meaning Ive finally reached 20% :j:j:j not bad for the first week in Feb! I defo know I could be doing more I think I need to go back to the drawing board.

Megano

Funny thing happened at W1 yesterday. Basically a photo I took at work ended up on the company's Facebook page from my Instagram account so my manager ran out and was like you need to delete that now, personally I didn't think it was that big a deal until I realized it had the #selfloving included :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
Phoned to cancel our home insurance yesterday which renewed on the 2nd and they wanted to charge me £20 for the privilege and I'm like bolt! Why should I pay you guys for a policy that started two days ago. I know as soon as you say you cancelled your insurance some folk get a little "ohmygodohmygod" but really its okay! We live in a block of flats with fort knoxs security plus they wanted to charge us £500 excess and I was like err guys the only thing we OWN is the computer and telly. We could buy another one outright for that!
Managed to make an extra little payment to CC of £60.92 which has taken me to 22% exactly! I just no if I can get my non essential spend down aka what I spend at work, I would be able to throw more at it but Im still maintaining its not bad for the first week of Feb and its defo an improvement from last year pre LBM.:rotfl::rotfl:
FM flat viewing got cancelled isnt that terrible?
Spoke to OH about what to do next and in true OH fashion he said "lets wait and see" :mad::mad::mad:
I cant wait until we are both debt free. I think with FM moving out the goal post maybe needs to change slightly but Im defo on track to be cleared by Christmas 2016.

Willowpop

Oh that sounds all very frustrating for you! Wait and see what next week brings when you can speak to SS properly. They might throw a bit more light on the subject. If the adoption is delayed then at least it gives you a bit more planning time for it all.
How far away is Paisley from Glasgow? Would you both still be able to work at the same places if you did move to Paisley,or would you be job hunting?

I'm half ohmygod re insurance...could you manage justa very basic, cheap contents policy? I don't have many valuables either, but I couldn't afford to replace all my clothes, shoes, cds, furniture, etc etc if there was a fire or a flood. I'm in a flat too, but just have a fairly basic policy just in case.

I think your OH is right,wait and see for a few days and see what happens.