Overbearing MIL or am I being unreasonable

Jagraf

markdebby wrote: »

All you DIL who are complaining about sons giving their mothers attention I wonder what sort of MIL you will turn out to be.

No mean feat! Some of my friends who have sons are just becoming grandparents and tread on egg shells. Always in the back of their minds is the risk of not seeing their sons and grandchildren much. It must be really hard to assume you are going to be told where you stand in a relationship.

Pixie5740

What's that saying, "a son's a son 'til he takes a wife, a daughter's your daughter all her life," or words to that effect.

justme111

Mojisola wrote: »

The OP and her OH had set time aside so that his family could visit a few days before his birthday.

Her OH decided that work was more important than spending time with the OP but that his mother's visit was more important than work so that she could see him on his birthday instead of a couple of days beforehand.

What would she do if he worked abroad - fly out on the day because she had to see him on the actual day?

So you indeed do not see any difference between the full day (and evening ) and lunch hour ?

Jagraf

Pixie5740 wrote: »

What's that saying, "a son's a son 'til he takes a wife, a daughter's your daughter all her life," or words to that effect.

Yes - I interpret it as a warning to prospective mothers in law :eek: I think its in the heads of lots of paternal grandmothers.

TBagpuss

Jagraf wrote: »

Yes - I interpret it as a warning to prospective mothers in law :eek: I think its in the heads of lots of paternal grandmothers.

It cuts both ways. While there are, obviously, Sons in law oand Daughters in law who may want to redyuce or restrict the relationship their husband or wife has with his or her paretns, it's also the case that where a parent is clingy or controlling they may find themselves having less contact because they can't or won't accept that their child has a new primary relationshi - someone who is unwilling to recognise their child's partner or spouse, or to accept that their child will wish to spend special occasions with that person may find that their child pulls away from them because of their behaviour.

And it's then much easier to blame a 'nasty' son in law or daughter in law rather than to look in the mirror.

Based on OPs description, her MIL comes across as emotionally manipulative and self-centred. The issue isn't really about whether or not it is reasonable for MIL to want to see her child. It's about the fact that after plans were made, she made a big fuss, called her son and cried down the phone until he capitulated. She didn't, on the face of it, consider the fact that her son's birethday is not about her.

System

What you have to realize, a birthday isnt just special for the person whos birthday it is, its special for the woman who gave birth ...

However, no woman in the right mind would go to the extent that the OP's MIL has.

Its hard but as a parent, you have to learn to let go.

Personally i struggle with Christmas. My daughter spends all Christmas day with her husbands family whilst we are fit in an hours time slot on Christmas morning..... I am learning to let go.

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

So you indeed do not see any difference between the full day (and evening ) and lunch hour ?

I don't think it's about the amount of time. I can understand it rankling that a couple have agreed that they won't spend time during the day together because work was more important only for him to make time when mother cried down the phone.

I think his mother needs to grow up. Her son is an adult and celebrating his birthday the weekend before or after the actual day is a very reasonable compromise when the day falls on a weekday.

I wouldn't want to get between any of my kids and their partners - they are grown-up and leading their own lives and they should be putting their partners ahead of their parents.

Jagraf

TBagpuss wrote: »

It cuts both ways. While there are, obviously, Sons in law oand Daughters in law who may want to redyuce or restrict the relationship their husband or wife has with his or her paretns, it's also the case that where a parent is clingy or controlling they may find themselves having less contact because they can't or won't accept that their child has a new primary relationshi - someone who is unwilling to recognise their child's partner or spouse, or to accept that their child will wish to spend special occasions with that person may find that their child pulls away from them because of their behaviour.

And it's then much easier to blame a 'nasty' son in law or daughter in law rather than to look in the mirror.

Based on OPs description, her MIL comes across as emotionally manipulative and self-centred. The issue isn't really about whether or not it is reasonable for MIL to want to see her child. It's about the fact that after plans were made, she made a big fuss, called her son and cried down the phone until he capitulated. She didn't, on the face of it, consider the fact that her son's birethday is not about her.

I do get what you mean, but I'm not sure having a spouse reduces time with parents, I would think kids come back more to their parents when they are in a serious relationship. At 18 I spent hardly any time even considering my parents were human beings, yet I've got closer to them as I get older.

Relationships with parents are completely different to those with a partner, I can see why it's not all just compatible. It shouldn't be a tug of war.

Alikay

Judi wrote: »

Personally i struggle with Christmas. My daughter spends all Christmas day with her husbands family whilst we are fit in an hours time slot on Christmas morning..... I am learning to let go.

This is why we have decided to have our big "all the family together" Christmas dinner a couple of days late: DS2's fiancee is from a lovely but very "clannish" family.....everyone is expected to be with her parents for Sunday lunch and high-days-and-holidays. I don't want to put him through the discomfort of having to choose between our family or hers, nor sacrifice our family being able to celebrate any big occasions with him and his partner for ever, so the simple solution is for us to move the date.

Pollycat

Alikay wrote: »

This is why we have decided to have our big "all the family together" Christmas dinner a couple of days late: DS2's fiancee is from a lovely but very "clannish" family.....everyone is expected to be with her parents for Sunday lunch and high-days-and-holidays. I don't want to put him through the discomfort of having to choose between our family or hers, nor sacrifice our family being able to celebrate any big occasions with him and his partner for ever, so the simple solution is for us to move the date.

That's very thoughtful of you, it must be hard but you've found a compromise that hopefully will work for all of you.

From what the OP has posted, I can't see her MIL being so accommodating.