Overbearing MIL or am I being unreasonable

System

Alikay wrote: »

This is why we have decided to have our big "all the family together" Christmas dinner a couple of days late: DS2's fiancee is from a lovely but very "clannish" family.....everyone is expected to be with her parents for Sunday lunch and high-days-and-holidays. I don't want to put him through the discomfort of having to choose between our family or hers, nor sacrifice our family being able to celebrate any big occasions with him and his partner for ever, so the simple solution is for us to move the date.

Not so easy in my family unfortunately. Hubby isnt keen on SIL and SIL isnt keen on hubby.... Theres never anything spoken and SIL makes such an effort but hubby isnt so accomodating. It doesnt take long before hubby puts his foot in it so its easier to keep away. Personally, i think my daughter and her husband has made the right choice in how they spend their Christmas day but like i said, i struggle with it for my own personal reasons.

enthusiasticsaver

When your children marry and have children of their own a whole new dynamic opens up in families. I have two daughters,one of which married last year and has just had her first baby. We live locally to the daughter who is married as does her in laws. So far my SIL and daughter seem to have negotiated a fair deal on us all seeing them and their new baby and they have decided Xmas will be spent with each side alternately which is what my OH and I did with our two sets of parents. It is all about compromise and everyone seeing the other sides' point of view. In terms of birthdays we never assume we will see either of our daughters on their birthdays as one is married and the other lives 200 miles away. Sometimes we arrange to go up to visit our older daughter if she is not busy as she does not have a partner and sometimes my younger daughter and her OH invite us and the in laws over for tea and cake and then they go out in the evening. I daresay babysitting will now also come into it .

It is not worth families falling out over specific days. I would say to the OP if her boyfriend is able and willing to see his mum at lunchtime why should that pose a problem if they are going out in the evening. It is just one hour and it is his birthday so his choice how he spends it.

Incidentally even though I have two daughters I don't expect my married daughter to specifically favour me although I do see her and her new baby a fair bit so does her MIL. She has to do that otherwise it could cause problems with her OH who understandably wants their baby to have lots of contact with his parents as well as us and they get on well anyway. I think it is petty to be resentful that our children and their babies have lots of people who love them as surely that is good.

euronorris

Yeah, DH and I alternate Christmas visits. Have done for years. We usually fit the other parents in for New Year's instead. This year will be no different. Seems to work for us

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I know a couple whose parents have both split up and then remarried. So they have four sets of parents to try and please at Christmas. This means spending most of the holiday in traffic jams whilst traipsing round the country fitting everyone in, and carefully calculating the hours spent with each in order not to offend. It is really silly when you think how many other days of the year are available for visiting.

Jagraf

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I know a couple whose parents have both split up and then remarried. So they have four sets of parents to try and please at Christmas. This means spending most of the holiday in traffic jams whilst traipsing round the country fitting everyone in, and carefully calculating the hours spent with each in order not to offend. It is really silly when you think how many other days of the year are available for visiting.

Sounds to me as if they are being waited on. Why don't they just have everyone to them instead over the course of the day? (Joking, sounds horrendous)

duchy

Jagraf wrote: »

Sounds to me as if they are being waited on. Why don't they just have everyone to them instead over the course of the day?

Are you for real ?
A divorced couple both who apparently keep tally as to if their children spend more time with the other parent - all in the same house for Christmas day ......... Sounds like a complete recipe for disaster !! Is Christmas lunch a higher tier than Christmas tea in their eyes for example. Traffic jams definitely sound the lesser of the two evils.

I was grateful my MIL always wanted to celebrate with us on Christmas eve as in her Austrian tradition that's the important day leaving us free to have my parents on Christmas day or go to them It did mean I had to cook a special meal both days but compared with my friends who were trying to keep both sets of parents (and sometimes more with remarriages) happy by seeing everyone when Mum didn't want to be within a million miles of Dad ....or worse Dad's new GF/wife.

Jagraf

duchy wrote: »

Are you for real ?
A divorced couple both who apparently keep tally as to if their children spend more time with the other parent - all in the same house for Christmas day ......... Sounds like a complete recipe for disaster !! Is Christmas lunch a higher tier than Christmas tea in their eyes for example. Traffic jams definitely sound the lesser of the two evils.

I was grateful my MIL always wanted to celebrate with us on Christmas eve as in her Austrian tradition that's the important day leaving us free to have my parents on Christmas day or go to them It did mean I had to cook a special meal both days but compared with my friends who were trying to keep both sets of parents (and sometimes more with remarriages) happy by seeing everyone when Mum didn't want to be within a million miles of Dad ....or worse Dad's new GF/wife.

No, I was joking. I've altered the post accordingly. I remember having to have three christmas dinners with morning sickness :eek:

I do have a friend who has Xmas lunch with her ex and their partners and all the grandparents though. I couldn't do it.

euronorris

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I know a couple whose parents have both split up and then remarried. So they have four sets of parents to try and please at Christmas. This means spending most of the holiday in traffic jams whilst traipsing round the country fitting everyone in, and carefully calculating the hours spent with each in order not to offend. It is really silly when you think how many other days of the year are available for visiting.

DH's parents split when he was little. Both have since remarried, but are very amicable with each other. DH is not particularly close to his father, so we usually just pop into theirs at some point over the Christmas period for a meal, or a few drinks, and he and his wife are happy with that. Sadly his dad was never the hands on type, but it does mean that he's not too fussed what date we see him.


Next year, as we are expecting, we'll stay home and invite others to come to us. I'm not traipsing around anywhere on our first year as parents.

enthusiasticsaver

euronorris wrote: »

DH's parents split when he was little. Both have since remarried, but are very amicable with each other. DH is not particularly close to his father, so we usually just pop into theirs at some point over the Christmas period for a meal, or a few drinks, and he and his wife are happy with that. Sadly his dad was never the hands on type, but it does mean that he's not too fussed what date we see him.


Next year, as we are expecting, we'll stay home and invite others to come to us. I'm not traipsing around anywhere on our first year as parents.

Yes I understand that you would want to stay home on your first year as parents. My daughter has just had a baby and they have said that this year they want to stay at home and they are cooking christmas dinner for the in laws as it is their turn (we were with them last year)and we are having xmas dinner with my elder daughter so small quiet one which I don't mind at all. Boxing day will be our big family christmas with both daughers, SIL and granddaughter. Then my daughter had second thoughts and said as it was the first christmas with our new granddaughter perhaps we could pop over in the afternoon to see them and their inlaws which will be nice. It does make it easier though us all being local

euronorris

Being local does make things much easier. We are now much closer, distance wise, to my in laws than to my own parents. Whilst I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind travelling to see us, I'm getting increasingly concerned about them having to do long journeys at their age (67 and 74), particularly with my Mum's knee, and general mobility, problems. Long car journeys are uncomfortable for her, and always a bit riskier in the winter months. So...I don't know what we'll do in future. We'll have to have a think about that.