Found a letter my Husband wrote

seven-day-weekend

Whenever and why he wrote the letter, if he now does not feel that way and wants to continue in the relationship, just burn the letter and move on.

FBaby

I still couldn't help but wonder what else about his previous life he hasn't told me about. Ironically, it's not the contents of the letter that would upset me now so much, but the fact that he never felt the need to tell me about how a previous relationship had had such an emotional effect on him that it would have made him write such a horrible letter.

Spendless

chiefie wrote: »

I used to write things down instead of rowing and then throw the notes away. It was just a release and how I felt at the time. Not how I really felt, just a reaction to things. Not often, but it helped. I guess he probably did the same. If he didn't give it to you it was never intended for you to see it. I'm glad you talked about it though.

This is exactly what I think has happened and I would appeal to people who do use this form as a way of 'release' to destroy the letter afterwards. My mother once wrote a letter about me just after I'd had a baby and her view of how I was 'in a mood' in hospital (writing it here doesn't even begin to describe how hurtful it was) She left it lying around, I saw it and it took over 11 years to start to repair our relationship.

Hope you are ok OP.

Andypandyboy

ognum wrote: »

I think this thread is a lesson, how awful it would of been if the OPs husband had died and she was going through his belongings, she would have ended up questioning her relationship with no one to get the truth from.

I will make sure all my files are in order with no hidden 'gems' that could come out an cause distress.

I think this would be awful, there would always be that nagging doubt and it would taint the whole of the life shared together.

Vikipollard

I'm glad you have had the opportunity to talk, and I really hope it all works out well now. But...

If that letter was written 20-25 years ago, how did he know what it was as soon as you held it up? Sorry, but this is gnawing at me. I'd have to have read the thing to even be reminded I'd written something that long ago.

Sorry to be the harbinger of doom - it's just something that shrieked out to me.

MothballsWallet

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Is there absolutely no indication of when he might have written it? When was that room last decorated, or that piece of furniture bought/put in place, etc?

Marley reckons you should put it on the mantlepiece where it is obvious but then not say anything. When he asks, simply hand it to him and let him read it. Then see what he says.

If he wrote it more than 10 years ago, there's a chance he won't remember it (or is that just my experience of men? ) Actually, if he does remember, then it'll be instantly obvious on his face when he sees it on the mantlepiece.

barbiedoll wrote: »

Ok, take a deep breath and try to calm down.

This may not be as it appears. Would he have written it for another reason, a creative writing class, as a letter written on behalf of someone else, or is it just one of those things that a lot of us have done, you know, the writing all of your frustrations down and then burning/hiding the letter?

If you do want to get away for the night, could you take a copy of the letter or scan it to your computer or even take a pic on your phone? If you leave it on the pillow, he will possibly destroy it and as you're understandably distressed at the moment, you may have a hard time remembering the contents later on if you need to. If it turns out to have an innocent explanation, you can delete it and forget about it.

Has your husband ever had depression during your years together? Could it have been written out after a bad argument, something which you may have forgotten about but which really upset him at the time? (My husband brought up something which happened over 15 years ago in a row on Tuesday night!)

I hope you can sort this out and that it turns out to be something silly that he wrote years ago.

I agree with Marley(boy), Tigs and barbiedoll.

OP, this reminds me of something I once asked my Aussie friend Leif about because I'd heard a line in a Crowded House song about writing things down and throwing the paper in the fire to set yourself free.

This comes from a belief that if you write down things that are troubling you (to get them out of your mind, especially if you can't talk to someone about them) and then destroy the paper, it lifts the burden of those things from you.

I can't vouch as to whether it works or not, but could your husband have felt depressed and worthless at some point in the past and wrote this letter as a way of expressing his feelings but never did anything further with it?

MothballsWallet

anotherbumpom wrote: »

to answer a few questions, I have never known him to have depression, if he has had it/has it he is very good at hiding it from me and others, I have never really noticed him coming home later than normal, he works shifts and gets home late most nights anyway, he did sometimes work on his day off but told me he had a lot of work on during that time, I had no reason to question it.

The letter does not have a date on it anywhere, and it does name me so it was not about his previous relationship.

I can't think of anytime we have had an argument to the extent he would write what he did, we are more of a talk about stuff couple, as in, if there is ever anything wrong we sit down and talk it out, never been to bed angry with each other.

If I do not manage to get back on here tonight I appologise, I will get back on tomorrow to answer anymore questions.

Some people who have depression are very good at hiding it from the people around them.

ERICS_MUM

MothballsWallet wrote: »

Some people who have depression are very good at hiding it from the people around them.

My thought too. In view of the nature of the letter he could even have been going through a "breakdown" at the time he wrote it.

All that matters now, IMO, is that they are both satisfied with the explanation and how it was received and they feel they can carry on in a happy marriage.

Poppy9

Sorry I don't think this issue is over. You have seen, read and absorbed what was written in that letter. Now you will torture yourself with questions like:

• When did he write it?
• Why did he keep it?
• How did he know what it was as soon as he saw it?
• Did he always intend for you to find it so you would end the relationship because he didn't have the balls to?
• Does he do more overtime than necessary.
• Does he work shifts because it means less time at home.

Only you know how old that letter could be but I think it's done irreparable damage to the belief in your relationship with him.