What do you do when there are trust issues?

Options
Sorry for the long whiney post...
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. We've been living together for about 6 months. For the most part, our relationship is pretty good, but I'm beginning to have trouble trusting him due to a few things he has done in the past:

-A couple of months into our relationship after spending the weekend at mine, my boyfriend left his emails logged in on my laptop. I saw a recent email where he had posted an ad on craigslist looking for! friend's with benefits. I confronted him and he said that his laptop is messed up (true) and that he posted that before he met me, but the wrong dates display on his emails because his laptop doesn't work properly. I wasn't convinced, but I Googled it and this can happen so I decided to let it go.

-When we first moved in together he didn't have a computer or anything so I let him use mine. One time I saw that he had been watching !!!!!! on my laptop so I asked him not to and he promised he wouldn't do it again (I can't say I like the idea of him watching !!!!!!, but my main issue was that he was doing it on MY laptop). I have an iPhone and a Macbook so whatever Internet tabs I have open on my laptop automatically appear on my phone. I guess my bf didn't realise this because I was on my lunch break at work a couple of weeks later and I could see that not only was he watching !!!!!! on my laptop again, but he was looking at some website where prostitutes advertise their "services" and people write reviews about them. When I confronted him about this, he said he wasn't looking at the site because he was trying to find a prostitutes, but he was looking at it to jack off because reading the reviews about what these women do turns him on. Obviously I found it hard to believe this but he was right to point out that he spends all of his time either at work or with me. We spoke about how he promised not to look at !!!!!! on my laptop and he promised me again not to do it. At the job I was working at back then I would sometimes have to sleep over at work. Sometimes I have insomnia. I was at work a couple of weeks after this and it was around 2am and I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd browse the net on my phone. Once again I caught him watching !!!!!! on my laptop (I guess he thought I'd be asleep at this time of the night). I almost broke up with him this time due to his lies and lack of respect, but it didn't feel like enough of a deal breaker to me when this situation could just be avoided if he bought his own laptop (that's not really the point, I know).

-One day, around the same sort of time all this !!!!!! stuff happened, we were walking down the high street and he said "oh wow". I didn't hear what he said at first so I said "pardon?" He replied "nothing" and looked really guilty. At the same time, I realised what he had said and realised he was talking about a woman walking in front of us. I could tell from his reaction that he didnt say it to make me jealous or anything, it was a slip of the tounge, but that made it worse in a way. This hurt me because during the early stages of the relationship he would say that when he is with someone he is 100% committed and he never looks at anyone else and that he's not the type of guy to look at women in that way anyway as it's someone's personality that he finds attractive, not their looks. This meant a lot to me because I'm exactly like that, so I thought we were the same. I know a lot of people do have a cheeky perv on others and it doesn't mean anything, but again, it was the fact that he lied that bothered me more than his actual actions.

Me and my boyfriend spend most of our free time together. Neither of us have many friends in the city we live in. My boyfriend has just started uni as a mature student (he's 30 I'm 28). Before he started he said he wasn't bothered about making friends, he just wants to go to lectures and come straight home.! A couple of weeks in he completely changed his tone and said he won't have much time for me because as well as studying full time and working part time (not eligible for a student loan and NHS bursary no where near covers the rent let alone anything else), he wants to join a bunch of societies and hang out with his course mates after uni. This is, of course, completely normal and healthy! to make friends but I guess it's just a big change. He was even talking about going clubbing the other day, when he had always previously said he hates it.

I'm not proud of this, but after all of the things he had done, I began to snoop a bit- reading his texts and looking at his Internet history. I know things can be deleted, but I didn't find anything unpleasant so I stopped a few months ago and put everything behind me. Or at least I thought I had. Him being at uni and meeting all these new people is making me a bit paranoid. When it comes to women, I feel like he just can't help himself. So when he's talking about his 18 year old female friends or when he starts dancing with all these (probably) hot women at the dance society he has joined, I feel panicky inside and immediately think the worst.

Apart from everything I said above, he really is a good boyfriend. He tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful! everyday.! He cooks and cleans. He looks after me when I'm ill (which is quite frequently as I have a bunch of health problems). He randomly buys me thoughtful presents etc. We hardly ever argue and we have a lot of fun together. I don't want to end things but my insecurities and lack of trust are making me wonder whether this relationship can last. What do you do when you dont 100% trust your partner? Am I even justified in feeling like this?
«13

Comments

  • VfM4meplse
    VfM4meplse Posts: 34,269 Forumite
    Combo Breaker First Post I've been Money Tipped!
    Options
    OP, there's a lot detailed in your post. I am guessing you feel insecure because you love him (although you haven't explicitly said that, have you?) and are scared of losing him. Ultimately you are going to have to trust him, and either have that trust rewarded or be proven wrong.

    Aside from the inappropriate use of your laptop, I don't think he's done much wrong. I'd keep an eye on things, though, particularly as things can escalate fast wth impressionable 18 yo girls potential being a problem. One more event will be a co-incidence too far.
    Value-for-money-for-me-puhleeze!

    "No man is worth, crawling on the earth"- adapted from Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio

    Hope is not a strategy :D...A child is for life, not just 18 years....Don't get me started on the NHS, because you won't win...I love chaz-ing!
  • Tropez
    Tropez Posts: 3,696 Forumite
    Options
    Not helpful, I suppose, but the wrong date on email in point one is quite suspect. While it could be the case that the time given for receipt of the email is based on the local time on the computer (depending on the client and relevant display settings), the time stated in the email header for when it was sent will not and if it is appearing near the top of the inbox then it is a recent email (assuming he actually receives other emails).
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367 Forumite
    First Anniversary First Post Combo Breaker
    Options
    He shows that he loves you, does he also show that he is attracted to you? Does he make compliments, tell you you're beautiful, shows that he finds you sexy etc...
  • fashionvictim
    Options
    I think if he knows what the boundaries are then you just have to trust him, most guys comment, flirt a bit and look but don't touch.

    It is a shame he promised not to use your laptop and did continue to, but I think you have to just enjoy yourselves and have a good relationship.Whilst his viewing habits are not to your taste, you can't control him. Choose your deal breakers and just ignore the rest.

    I was cooing over some guy on TV the other day and the OH got really jealous saying the guy wasn't that nice etc. It made me laugh as he comments a lot on women on TV and especially Joggers. Good to keep him on his toes too ! :eek:
  • bouicca21
    bouicca21 Posts: 6,521 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    Options
    I can't believe these replies. He wants friends with benefits, watches !!!!!! when he's alone and has promised not to, looks at prostitutes' sites and wants to hang out with 18 year olds without you? If you are a troll get back under the bridge. If you are for real, dump him.
  • pinkshoes
    pinkshoes Posts: 20,132 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Anniversary Photogenic First Post
    Options
    It is very simple - you either trust him or you don't.

    If you do trust him, thrn ENJOY the relationship and do not doubt him. What is the worst that can happen?? If he cheats, cut his clothes up, kick him in the balls and kick him out.

    There is no point spending your relationship wondering what he MIGHT do.

    If you don't/can't trust him, then end it.

    i trust my husband 100% and would never doubt him. He knows if he did ever cheat, I would be gone!
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
  • Lunar_Eclipse
    Lunar_Eclipse Posts: 3,060 Forumite
    edited 9 October 2015 at 9:16PM
    Options
    I only read the first half of your post, but from that I think the writing's on the wall and I would end the relationship before wasting any more time. I would find looking at prostitute sites inappropriate, but ultimately it depends what you think and feel about it all.

    I don't think he respects you. So even if he does think you're beautiful and he loves you, it wouldn't be enough for me.
  • pickledonionspaceraider
    pickledonionspaceraider Posts: 2,698 Forumite
    Photogenic Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post
    edited 9 October 2015 at 9:45PM
    Options
    I know everyone has their own boundaries about this kind of stuff but if my husband was watching !!!!!! on my laptop, wouldn't bother me at all. They are only ''ladies'' on a screen after all

    However - the ''oh wow'' comment about the other woman in the street!? I would not deal with that one very well. I think most men do have a sneaky glance and THINK 'oh wow' (nowt wrong with that at all) but to say it out loud - in front of his missus I would find really disrespectful.

    I do not know how you can handle it OP, you clearly love this guy and in many ways he sounds great. However your OH says all the right things 'I love you' but are his actions speaking louder than his words? Why does he continue to insist on doing things that make you miserable, are they REALLY the actions of a man who truly loves a woman?

    Lack of trust can bring about huge anxieties and can change a persons mental health - you have already started snooping (and i dont blame you for this) and the tell tale signs of this situation turning you into someone you do not want to be, are already there


    As I said, we all have different 'deal breaker' moments, and I think the question you need to answer yourself are two things:-

    1) Despite you asking him, he does not seem to want to stop doing the things you don't like him doing so will you put up with a man that (in my mind) does not respect you nor take your feelings seriously? To ask someone to not watch !!!!!! is really not that big a deal in terms of risking his relationship and love and respect of his girlfriend in order for a quick toss off.

    2) Can you deal with the constant anxiety of being with someone you do not trust and need to check up on?
    With love, POSR <3
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker Xmas Saver!
    edited 10 October 2015 at 3:13PM
    Options
    If he's a mature student he presumably has his own laptop so why is he using yours ?

    For me promising not to do something then keep on doing it shows a lack of respect and I'd be questioning if he was with me because he loved and respected me or if it was because it was financially in his favour as you are working and apparently keeping him.

    If this was your best friend posting......what would you be saying to her ?

    If I needed to password protect my laptop from a partner - they'd be history though ! I
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    MSE Florida wedding .....no problem
  • DCFC79
    DCFC79 Posts: 40,598 Forumite
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post
    Options
    If your not 100% happy with his actions, I would seriously consider if you should be with him, needs to be your choice OP.
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 343.7K Banking & Borrowing
  • 250.3K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 450K Spending & Discounts
  • 235.9K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 609K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 173.4K Life & Family
  • 248.5K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards