Accept the future.....

zarf2007

I think the next time she says she doesnt want to discuss the subject I would respond with 'shall we talk about saving our marriage instead then?'

at the end of the day she needs to know that this is not a passing thing that you will stop asking about and maybe my suggested response will jolt her into realising how serious the issue is to you.

Of course if you play high stakes poker you need to accept the consequences if she calls your bluff....be ready for that.

Bossypants

Just chiming in with the other posters saying that this is about something much deeper than sex. Sex drives may change for all kinds of reasons over the course of a relationship, and I firmly believe that no one should feel obligated to have sex with anyone if they don't want to, for any reason, but your wife's behaviour is not that of a loving and committed spouse who has simply lost the desire to have sex. If that were the case, she'd be sitting down with you and the two of you would be talking through the problem and what the future looks like with that in mind, with equal weight given to both of your needs. Maybe those needs are now incompatible (i.e. her need to not have sex and your equal need to have it), in which case divorce may be the only option in the end, but the point is that a spouse who loves you will care about your feelings as well as her own, and while that does not in any way mean that she should have sex with you if she doesn't want to for any reason, what you are describing right now does not look even close to caring from her side, it looks like disdain. You (and everyone) deserve better than a marriage in which you are disdained.

Guest101

Bossypants wrote: »

Just chiming in with the other posters saying that this is about something much deeper than sex. Sex drives may change for all kinds of reasons over the course of a relationship, and I firmly believe that no one should feel obligated to have sex with anyone if they don't want to, for any reason, but your wife's behaviour is not that of a loving and committed spouse who has simply lost the desire to have sex. If that were the case, she'd be sitting down with you and the two of you would be talking through the problem and what the future looks like with that in mind, with equal weight given to both of your needs. Maybe those needs are now incompatible (i.e. her need to not have sex and your equal need to have it), in which case divorce may be the only option in the end, but the point is that a spouse who loves you will care about your feelings as well as her own, and while that does not in any way mean that she should have sex with you if she doesn't want to for any reason, what you are describing right now does not look even close to caring from her side, it looks like disdain. You (and everyone) deserve better than a marriage in which you are disdained.

I’m inclined to disagree to some extent.


If we only did things that we wanted to do, when we wanted to do them, there would be a lot that wasn’t done and 99% of marriages would be filled with constant arguments.


Sex isn’t a special category all on its own. And whilst no-one should be forced into having sex by someone else – which is totally correct. It’s clear that two people aren’t always going to be in the mood at the same time.


I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum, times when I’ve been in the mood and partner not, and vice versa.


As a bloke, if I wasn’t in the mood, it was immediately a sign that I no longer found my partner attractive, or that I was getting it elsewhere. – Which was difficult to comprehend, as I was just tired.


But at the same time, with role reversal, there were a number of times when I was told to stop being pushy. – Fair enough, if someone doesn’t want to, then it’s not upto me to force the issue.


I actually think that the individual person, the one who ‘isnt in the mood’ actually needs to do more to be in the mood. – This isn’t always possible I know, but if it starts to become a long term situation, it’s upto them to change their outlook on the situation.

Bossypants

Guest101 wrote: »

I’m inclined to disagree to some extent.


If we only did things that we wanted to do, when we wanted to do them, there would be a lot that wasn’t done and 99% of marriages would be filled with constant arguments.


Sex isn’t a special category all on its own. And whilst no-one should be forced into having sex by someone else – which is totally correct. It’s clear that two people aren’t always going to be in the mood at the same time.


I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum, times when I’ve been in the mood and partner not, and vice versa.


As a bloke, if I wasn’t in the mood, it was immediately a sign that I no longer found my partner attractive, or that I was getting it elsewhere. – Which was difficult to comprehend, as I was just tired.


But at the same time, with role reversal, there were a number of times when I was told to stop being pushy. – Fair enough, if someone doesn’t want to, then it’s not upto me to force the issue.


I actually think that the individual person, the one who ‘isnt in the mood’ actually needs to do more to be in the mood. – This isn’t always possible I know, but if it starts to become a long term situation, it’s upto them to change their outlook on the situation.

I'm glad we agree on that at least.

The point I was trying to get at (and possibly failed - apologies, I have the flu and head is not very clear) is that, although no one is ever obligated to have sex, when someone is in a committed relationship, they are obligated to consider their partner's needs as well as their own. So, if someone has found that they are unlikely to ever want to have sex again, they are obliged to have an open and honest discussion with their partner about what that means for the future, what the partner's needs are, what can be done to meet them instead (if anything), and they need to be prepared for partner to be unhappy with the situation and not act as though that's an unreasonable reaction to suddenly having what most people would consider an important part of a relationship unilaterally withdrawn.

In case I wasn't clear before, I think OP's wife is being completely unreasonable in her handling of this.

Bossypants

Thinking about what you said, I do think sex gets to be in a little category all on its own to some extent. It's not like, say, doing the dishes or taking out the rubbish, which just needs to be done, it needs to be freely and joyfully given to be worth anything at all. That's not to say that everyone always has to be equally in the mood, but if my OH is in the mood and I'm not, I'll 95% of the time go along with it anyway, because I love him and want him to feel satisfied and attractive. I do this happily and almost always end up enjoying myself anyway, but I think if there were even a whiff that he could reasonably demand it of me in the same way that he could reasonably demand that I take out the rubbish or wash the dishes because it's my turn, the whole thing would very quickly turn sour for me.

Guest101

Bossypants wrote: »

Thinking about what you said, I do think sex gets to be in a little category all on its own to some extent. It's not like, say, doing the dishes or taking out the rubbish, which just needs to be done, it needs to be freely and joyfully given to be worth anything at all. That's not to say that everyone always has to be equally in the mood, but if my OH is in the mood and I'm not, I'll 95% of the time go along with it anyway, because I love him and want him to feel satisfied and attractive. I do this happily and almost always end up enjoying myself anyway, but I think if there were even a whiff that he could reasonably demand it of me in the same way that he could reasonably demand that I take out the rubbish or wash the dishes because it's my turn, the whole thing would very quickly turn sour for me.

It's an interesting thing to debate, and i clearly see your point, and i think to some degree you see mine.

And we defintely agree the OPs wife is andling the situation terribly.

I think that what you do is exactly what I mean. You go along with it for the right reasons and end up having a good time.

And defintely demanding such a thing would make it a very sour experience.

The only thing I guess I have a slight point about is the category on it's own thing (which i kind of see but bear with me)...

If we accept that as part of a commited relationship there is give and take on both sides. Then to me it flows that there are other unwritten 'rules'.

I'll caveat now and say that a mismatch of sex drives is probaby one of the most difficult to overcome.

So what do we expect from our partners?

Support
Respect
Love
Care

All fairly fundamental I think. Those cross over into other territory, e.g. communication - certainly respect and care fall into this. Support in the home or work environment. Love and care for eachother, for family etc.

Now there are two aspects of sex in my opinion

The physical and the emotional. They dont both have to co-exist, but often do - especially in commited relationships.

The emotional loss when it comes to lac of sex is often far greater than the physical. - Sure a quickie to relieve abit of stress is fun.

I think often men are accused of just wanting sex. But I strongly believe in many cases men actually onnect much more strongly emotionally to sex then is given credence when it's with a partner.

Often studies have shown that (by and large) ment are more affected by physical cheating, whilst women (by and large) by emotional - I have a theory that its the emotional aspect of the physical act that men are really affected by.

We show our partners we love them in many ways, but sex is probably one of the strongest.

So to me sex is one of the previously mentioned 'rules', not because (or not solely because) of the physical aspects, but actually the emotional support and love that it shows between two commited adults.

I'm sure i'm not the only bloke who feels this way, and it's from this perspective that I say, it shouldnt be a special case. It should fall inline with other fundamentals, just like two people share the workload at home as a sign of respect, love, care and support.

Crazy_Diamond

I thought it might be helpful to give you the perspective of a female who went through a period lasting around two years of not wanting sex with my husband. in my case it was definitely linked to depression, I felt constantly tired (linked to the depression) and just had no interest what so ever in sex. I think things would have just continued like this if my husband hadn't eventually told me that he could not go on in a relationship without sex and I realised that I needed to do something if I wasn't to lose him. As a result I went to the GP who prescribed me anti-depressants. They took a good 3 months to start to change my mood and I had to go through a period of things getting worse before they started to get better. After around 6 months I started to have more energy and my sex drive started to come back.

I guess what I am saying is that you may need to give your wife more of a push to get her to try to change things and make her see that it isn't fair on you for things to continue as they are. At the time I was really upset and worried by my husband threatening to leave however in retrospect I am so pleased he did as I am much happier now as a result of making the changes I was pushed into.

amistupid

uncreative wrote: »

After some very painful issues in the "plumbing" department and a corrective operation just under a couple of years ago, my wife says she simply no longer feels the same about the physical side of our relationship.

There are other ways she could satisfy your sexual needs and I'm pretty sure she could be stimulated and enjoy sex without full penetration.

mai_taylor

A lot of women suffer from low sex drive but there are things that can be done about it if she would talk to her gp. It could be that the physical act itself is painful or that mentally she is struggling with the idea of it.

It's not uncommon for women to suffer from post tramatic stress after childbirth and she may still be feeling the affects of this or she could just be feeling exhausted and emotionally drained. Just because you can work 70 hours a week and have the energy for other things doesn't mean it's the same for everyone.

Maybe it's body issues, she may not feel desarable anymore so the thought of you even touching her is putting her off or it could be full on depression.

The point is there could be lots of reasons for her to have said this to you but I find it hard to believe that someone in their 30's would never want sex again even if it's how she's feeling at the moment.

I think you need to be patient with her and respect her feelings for now but work on how you can start to rebuild the intimacy.

Could you have a weekend away together? Take her to a spa so she can relax and not have the pressure's of family life? Try and talk about how you miss the closeness between the two of you without talking about the sex. I think once the intimacy returns sex will follow.

If you're still struggling with communication than councelling would be the next step. No one wants a marriage without intimacy, it won't make either of you happy but please don't give up on her too soon. Hope it all works out for you.