Accept the future.....

Tigsteroonie

Forgetting the bed, "I'm too tired", scenario ... Do you ever just cuddle on the sofa whilst watching telly? Doesn't have to be a full on hug, could just be one person lying with their legs slung over the other?

Or does she reject all physical contact? What about from the children?

(For goodness sake, don't mention s*x in any conversation. It'll drive a huge wedge between you - phnarr phnarr - sort yourself out in the shower!)

Person_one

If I were you I'd get in touch with Relate, they appear to have phone appointments and a free online 'chat' facility now as well as face to face counsellors. You can get support from them on your own, not just as a couple, and it might help you get to grips with your thoughts and feelings.

uncreative

She just devotes herself to the kids, its terrible to say this next bit and it doesnt really bother me but has definitely lost a bit of pride in her appearance, its hair up and joggies now - used to be designer type clothes. She hates me holding her hand down the street now when we walk into town for the cinema, and the sofa - we sit on separate ones!

She is a great mum and would do anything for them, and I am so up and down with waves of confusion, one minute I am fine with it and just get on with it but other times it really bothers me.

If I could figure out what was making her so tired/distant it would be a start. I work mega hours - up to 70 hours a week but still come home and do washing and ironing, stick to the chores list. I am tired too but seem to want a physical relationship enough to overcome it rather than give in.

uncreative

She has given up work, after working part time.

Tigsteroonie

Hmmm ... given up work ... lost pride in appearance ... shrugging off affection ... does this sound like the early signs of depression to anybody else?

Torry_Quine

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Hmmm ... given up work ... lost pride in appearance ... shrugging off affection ... does this sound like the early signs of depression to anybody else?

It could well be, she needs to see a doctor as whatever the reason she needs help as does her husband.

Guest101

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Forgetting the bed, "I'm too tired", scenario ... Do you ever just cuddle on the sofa whilst watching telly? Doesn't have to be a full on hug, could just be one person lying with their legs slung over the other?

Or does she reject all physical contact? What about from the children?

(For goodness sake, don't mention s*x in any conversation. It'll drive a huge wedge between you - phnarr phnarr - sort yourself out in the shower!)

I kind of agree with you on a practical level.

But mentioning sex shouldn't be a taboo. I mean they've clearly entered the relationship being intimate. You could say it's a cornerstone.

i don't think mrs palm in the shower substitutes for real contact with the person you love.

It would be good to think that people mature enough to have children are mature enough to talk about sex.

It's not solely a male demand and whilst it's normal for there to be dips, I suspect if the conversation was about other aspects of life where one partner lost interest completely, the advice and judgments would be very different.

Guest101

Different sofas, different beds, not looking for affection or intimacy.

I agree it could be depression.

But (controversially) is she so settled in the relationship that she takes the OP for granted? It's not uncommon. In fact often it's the first signs of an affair down the line- by the 'neglected' party. I'm not condoning it. I hate cheaters. But I can understand it on some level.

I'm not suggesting the OP should have an affair!

coolcait

Your wife's apparent lack of interest in her appearance might be a sign of depression.

Or, it might be a deliberate attempt to make herself look less attractive, so that you don't want to have sex with her.

If sex is painful for her, or she's afraid that it will be painful for her, then you can see why she would avoid anything which might 'lead' to sex - looking attractive, having a cuddle, sleeping in the same bed, and so on.

Have you tried telling her that you are happy to wait until she's ready to have sex, but that you don't want to lose all physical contact. That you want to be able to kiss her and hug her when you're together; you want to be able to snuggle up together in bed; you want all of those things which give physical intimacy without it having to end up being sexual intimacy.

It works best, of course, if you mean it! It also helps if you don't go for an ambush cuddle when she's trying to take something out of the oven without burning herself!

In all seriousness, I'd agree with Tigsteroonie's advice that you don't mention sex in those conversations.

Anatidaephobia

Guest101 wrote: »

But mentioning sex shouldn't be a taboo. I mean they've clearly entered the relationship being intimate. You could say it's a cornerstone.

Yes, I agree but I think that it's an issue that needs to be dealt with carefully. She may not be ready to talk about it, she may not want to even think about it just yet. It shouldn't be a taboo subject but the OP may need to tread carefully while it's still a fresh and difficult thing for his wife to deal with.

I agree with the advice given below. Maybe intimacy would be okay on the condition that she felt 100% confident that it would not lead to sex.

coolcait wrote: »

If sex is painful for her, or she's afraid that it will be painful for her, then you can see why she would avoid anything which might 'lead' to sex - looking attractive, having a cuddle, sleeping in the same bed, and so on.

Have you tried telling her that you are happy to wait until she's ready to have sex, but that you don't want to lose all physical contact. That you want to be able to kiss her and hug her when you're together; you want to be able to snuggle up together in bed; you want all of those things which give physical intimacy without it having to end up being sexual intimacy.

It works best, of course, if you mean it! It also helps if you don't go for an ambush cuddle when she's trying to take something out of the oven without burning herself!

In all seriousness, I'd agree with Tigsteroonie's advice that you don't mention sex in those conversations.