Accept the future.....

gonzo127

Sorry long post, but I am hoping you will get the reason for it at the end (if you make it)

scarily some of the things you have written could have been straight out of my life, with my marriage being 8 years, with most of it being sexless because of a really bad miscarriage shortly into our marriage, so medical worries etc

the main difference was we didnt sleep in separate beds, we got around that by her going to bed at 8:30-9 ish as she knew i didn't go to sleep till 11 and if i went up early with her she would moan that i was wriggling etc and stopped her getting sleep

anyways, i tried some of what has been suggested, dropping talking about sex, giving her time and space to figure things out, and letting her set the tone, unfortunately for me, nothing changed and in fact physical contact became less and less. she even went to the GP and had some anti depressants because of the miscarriage but they made no difference to our relationship

i rode it out for the sake of the kids, thinking that it would get better or that we would start talking about things again like we used too, this didn't happen, and in fact the opposite happened, and looking back at things retrospectively, i started to distance myself from my wife because it hurt too much to keep on feeling and being rejected, everything became practical, no talking about dreams and hopes, just what do you want for dinner tonight, oh the kids have this coming up etc etc. things that we used to do together became easier to do alone, even the simple things like the shopping, the house work, watching things on TV (she would have the TV and i would watch netflix on the computer), i started working longer hours, because i 'had a lot of work', and would pop to the supermarket most evenings once the kids were in bed because we needed 'something', and slowly but surely, we were living totally separate lives.

this all came to a head just over a year ago now, when she made a little comment, totally minor, about time flying and i realised it had been 6 months at that point since we last had any physical intimacy (not on about sex at this point, just a proper snuggle or anything like that) anyways i got thinking more and more about things, and decided i needed to address it, so i wrote a letter, which went although started us talking again, caused a lot of arguments, because 'all men want is sex!' and 'sex isnt everything' and basically had her ignoring everything which wasn’t sex related. so as you could imagine she felt attacked and although we was talking, it was closer to arguments all the time, and she even told my step daughter that we was getting divorced, within a week of sending the letter.

so me still wanting to keep my marriage alive started to go to marriage counselling, and we started that, but I think too much time had passed, or too much resentment had built up, everything was amicable within the sessions, and we both listened to what the other had to say, she said she wanted to sit down and talk more before we had physical contact, and I tried to explain that it felt like we was just house mates because we had no contact, etc etc, moving forward we tried talking more and found it strained and usually turned into a argument, even silly little things like what to watch on tv could end up with one of us walking away. As too much time had passed, and we had grown in such different ways that we no longer had anything in common.

So after 6 months of counselling, and nothing happening but more arguments I decided to move out, and to be honest, other than missing the kids (which is unbelievably hard) I am actually happier, and don’t have any worries about it having been the best thing for all involved.

ANYWAY the point of my post, if you want to try and save your marriage, do not just go along for the kids sake, something that bothers you enough to post on a forum for advice, will start to eat you up inside, and if you are anything like me, your coping strategy will involve distancing yourself to save the pain.

So write the letter now, start the dialog and try to find out why she feels like she does. DO NOT WAIT as the longer you wait, the harder it will probably become to raise it again, and will just eat away at your relationship. My one regret with my marriage is having left things too long to try and fix things. but there is no point in crying over split milk for me

quarky

Really great post from Gonzo127.

For me, it comes down to sex (or whatever the problem is) vs the kids.

Do you want to potentially put the kids through absolute hell by leaving just for the sake of (the problem)? I don't have the answer, I guess like a lot of us I struggle with the same question, but part of me thinks that nothing is worth the disruption that the kids would go through (and part of me thinks that they will be OK eventually as it isn't exactly uncommon these days).

Talk, talk, talk. Try whatever is possible to get an understanding between you both before you do anything (either leave or give up on what you want).

gonzo127

quarky wrote: »

Really great post from Gonzo127.

For me, it comes down to sex (or whatever the problem is) vs the kids.

Do you want to potentially put the kids through absolute hell by leaving just for the sake of (the problem)? I don't have the answer, I guess like a lot of us I struggle with the same question, but part of me thinks that nothing is worth the disruption that the kids would go through (and part of me thinks that they will be OK eventually as it isn't exactly uncommon these days).

Talk, talk, talk. Try whatever is possible to get an understanding between you both before you do anything (either leave or give up on what you want).

personally i dont see it as a 'vs the kids' situation as you have to remember the flip side of 'leaving', which is why i have no doubt me having moved out is the best thing for all involved.

is it better for a child to have two parents, living under the same roof, who are unhappy, or have both parents living under separate roof's but both happy?

me and my ex (not quite there as still officially married) in the last 4 years of our marriage, spent most of the time not talking to each other, rarely took the kids out, because we could never decide on where we wanted to go/how much we could afford, and never had any proper family time, because we didnt really enjoy spending time with each other, which although we didnt realise it at the time, had become the normal situation.

now i have left, the time i spend with my daughter and step daughter, is so precious, i try to make the most of it, not by spending money, although now i can spend money on them without worrying about the following arguments, but just simple things, like playing board games together, going for a kick about on the local park, so we are actually spending more quality time together now i have left than i did when i lived with them more - my ex also appears to be spending more time with the kids actually doing things as well, so sticking with it for the kids is not necessarily the best thing for them

this is obviously not the best and first solution, as that should always be talking and trying to work through things, but it doesn't mean leaving is the worst solution either,

fashionvictim

Get a king size bed assuming you don't have one and use two single duvets - matching covers. You can put a giant bed spread over to cover it in the day.

And why don't you do a little make over of the bedroom as a compromise - she can choose the styles - pink paint, chandleier, or whatever she wants just agree to it. If she feel comfortable it's even better, but say you don't want to go separate beds.

Sounds like sex is painful for her so she doesn't want to risk being close leading to sex or potential pain.

My boyfriend tends to be cuddly as a means to an end. Ha ha ha busted!! In fact his favourite come on is 'honey I need a cuddle'

So if you can try and make contact like cuddles non- sexual then that is a step forward. I.e don't expect it to lead anywhere your building back the intimancy. Don't grad her ar*e when you give her a hug. Think like others said try massage like shoulders when sitting on the sofa, not just other massage in bed in the hope it will lead to sex.

For many women getting in the mood is very mental, especially if something has been a issue pain wise. Why do you think fifty shade of grey was so popular? Not because everyone likes S&M and certainly not for the writing- it got women thinking. You've a head start on it being nice and caring.

So speak to her, this could be by text or a whisper in the ear at the supermarket (not during a cuddle) ...Plant the seeds slowly, take your time, weeks, months.

Sometimes it's give, give, give before you take sexually. You don't have to go all the way on things either of you. Long term you could enjoy yourself or yourselves without needing to have full sex. I think the key is to show you are still sexually interested in her only and but do not expect full sex with her..be very patient, make sure she can enjoy something and bank that for later and stop.

Sometimes it's nice and empowering to hear someone desires you, but has no expectations. Does that make sense ..trying not to be too crude here!

Good luck...

Guest101

Tbh I think the problem isn't the lack of sex, but lack of communication.

I think the vast majority of partners would accept the reason, but actually want reassurance that the relationship is ok. Sex is great, obviously, but lack of it goes beyond the lack of pleasure to ideas of doubt. I think that's the biggest problem.

uncreative

I think you are right, guest101, the lack of physical contact is very transient, it hurts for a short time as its an "urge" that subsides, but the doubt that I am no longer wanted or loved is an awful, empty feeling that is hard to deal with.

She does tell me that I am a great dad; everyone would like to think they are and I am no exception, but why doesn't she tell me Im a great husband? Don't want to sound needy or anything, but it would be nice to have some reassurance that I am doing things right there too, or if not what am I doing wrong so I can fix it.

uncreative

Thanks for all your responses, it has really helped me think about things differently, I was going round and round in my own circle of thoughts for while. I really appreciate it.

catkins

I have always had a pretty low sex drive as opposed to my husband's high one but then about 8 years ago I started suffering from a condition which means I cannot 't have sex as it is just too painful. I don't want to go into too much detail but despite various treatments it seems it is something I have to live with.


I guess because of my low sex drive (it's even lower since going through the menopause) it has never bothered me that much that I can't have sex but it has concerned me that it bothers my husband. We can't have actual intercourse but there are plenty of other things we can do.


Me and OH are always cuddling and kissing though and we almost always hold hands when walking. I would never want all that to end nor would I want separate beds even though his snoring keeps me awake!


I would be concerned if I were you that your wife wants no intimacy whatsoever. To not even want to share a bed or sit on the same sofa or hold hands is not, to me, down to the fact that she can't have sex

FBaby

Tbh I think the problem isn't the lack of sex, but lack of communication.

Totally agree with guest. She is playing with you by controlling the communication. She has explained why she doesn't want sex, fair enough, but she certainly doesn't seem to have explained the lack of affection.

I'm so sorry to say this, but all she is doing/saying is how I felt when I fell out of love with my ex. If she truly loved you, she would respect how her attitude is affecting you and she should want to communicate how she feels to try to help you. Her attitude is very selfish and I totally agree with Guest (again!) that although I too don't agree at all with affairs, I do understand how the frustration born from the that lack of respect and acknowledgment would lead someone to seek it somewhere else because we all deserve this as a mininum.

justme111

accept the present - that lines of communication with wife have been lost for whatever reason and she likely does not love you anymore if she loved ever for whatever reason. Then make your choices.
PS. I have read the thread and have not found any explanation of why she does not want sex other than "Because I don't".