Accept the future.....

DigForVictory

Can I suggest marriage guidance counselling (currently badged relate)? It won't happen quickly or easily (getting the help) but it'll open your wife's eyes to how seriously you take this.

Everyone needs to be touched, up to a point - if she can meet that from the children so far, bully for her, but when they leave?

A calm, intelligent, reasonable conversation is indicated and if you take up courting her all over again as a hobby in the meantime, no harm.

KRB2725

Has your wife spoken to her GP about this?

Lack of sex drive can be rooted in depression or may even have something to do with her contraceptive if she has/takes one.

It sounds as though she has had a hard time and if your children are young I would imagine there is an element of exhaustion as well!

However, I think to write off any physical relationship at this age is going to ultimately destroy your relationship.

I really think you need to get to the bottom of why she is feeling this way and why she desires a non intimate marriage.

burlington6

Forget this best friend situation you find yourself in.

You are lovers first, anything else is an added bonus.

Person_one

It sounds like your wife has been through a bit of an ordeal, physically. She may be right that she never wants a sexual relationship again, or she may find that in years to come those feelings return. Even she probably can't really predict how things might change over 5, 10 or 20 years.

I'd try to put yourself in her shoes, it might help clarify your thoughts/feelings to imagine that you'd had an illness that meant the end of your sex life (at least for a while), what sort of response would you be hoping for from your wife? How do you think you might feel and act in that situation?

I'm sure you're not alone, you might e surprised how many couples find themselves in a situation like this thanks to illness/disability etc.

uncreative

Wow, thanks everyone. I wasnt sure what to expect posting that other than just getting it written down. Thanks for your responses.

It was my wife that had the op, she had a form of endometriosis which was very distressing for her.

We do go on dates too, we make sure to spend time together going for a meal and the cinema at least twice a month when my mum comes round to sit for us.

However I am always the one that instigates the cuddles - if she walks past in the kitchen I will reach out and give her a cuddle, but I get a joking "leave off". I couldnt imagine not being a part of the family I have now. I still am really attracted to my wife and dont want to lose her. She just says that she has zero sex drive and its now become a taboo subject, she isnt interested in anything like that anymore and literally walks off the few times I have tried to bring it up. She says that men only have one thing in mind and its becoming a reality as she also says I am now obsessed because I bring it up "all the time" - I am only trying to start a conversation about it to try and deal with it. I suggested going to her GP as it may be a side effect of the op/medication and I got a look that could have turned me to stone.....

It is so frustrating as she wont talk about it and I have no say in the matter. I have brought home flowers, I tell her I love her morning and night but she is literally not interested anymore. Its like she has given up.

Guest101

Mate.

I know how it can feel.

But in her mind it's probably a million times more confusing.

If she's embarrassed to talk about it, why don't you write to her. Explain how you feel, the good and the not so good. She won't walk away, she'll read it. Guaranteed.

themull1

I could live without physical sex if my husband couldn't do it for a medical reason, but i couldn't live without kisses, cuddles etc, she hasn't just gone off sex, she's shut you out completely. If it was me, i wouldn't stay. One life.

theoretica

If she is getting more tired than she used to it would be worth seeing if her doctor can help with that.

pinkshoes

I have zero/very low sex drive (frequent UTIs in past, episiotomy scar that gets sore, and just not that bothered) but LOVE cuddles! I find it very odd that someone doesn't want any physical contact.

Has she slept in a single bed recently?? No space to do starfish impressions!

I would say there has to be more to it than this, but I have no idea how to suggest you tackle it, but perhaps explain that the cuddle is not going to lead to a sh*g, you just like a cuddle!

scooby088

OP i think that if you love your wife then you're gonna have to respect her wishes, i'm not sure how you can open a dialogue, maybe email her or write a letter. How does she feel about you sleeping on the sofa?