If OH died should I invite his mum to funeral?

catkins

Ok, a bit of an odd question but I do have a reason for asking.


A few months ago OH had a serious health scare and, for a short while, it looked like he might die. Luckily he made a miraculous recovery and is seemingly fit and healthy.


It has though made us talk about what would happen when one of us dies and one thing that came up was about his funeral. I said I would not welcome seeing his mum and he said he doesn't want her at his funeral.


They have had a very rocky relationship - OH had a pretty miserable childhood thanks to her and in the time we have been married (over 30 years) they have had many periods of not talking, the shortest period being about a year. They now have not spoken for 5 years. Before that they had not spoken for a couple of years but when his dad was seriously ill we got back in touch. His dad died and we tried to help his mum but she just kept on with her nastiness.


She has always belittled him, accused him of all sorts of things like stealing money or items from her. When they were speaking she would phone and rant and rave down the phone at him.


I have never got on with her. She has been nasty to me from almost the first time she met me.


My question is if OH were to die before her although hopefully he won't should I invite her to his funeral. I would not want to wait for it to happen and then be in such a state that I can't think straight. When I thought he might die I was going to ring her but he made me promise not to but all along I thought if he did I would phone and let her know and invite her to the funeral.


Now I know he wouldn't want her there what would I do? Not tell her or tell her and say she is not to come? Of course she may not want to come but she is the sort of person that if you said she was not invited she would just come anyway.


I feel that as his mum she would have a right to know and to come but in a lot of ways she has lost that right because of her attitude to him. Also I can imagine her showing up and causing a scene. She did that at our wedding.


I should add that she lives about 60 miles away and doesn't drive. OH's sister would probably have to bring her and we haven't spoken to her for about 30 years apart from at their dad's funeral.

glentoran99

I dont think you normally "invite" people to a funeral, people just come

Money_maker

catkins wrote: »

I feel that as his mum she would have a right to know and to come but in a lot of ways she has lost that right because of her attitude to him. Also I can imagine her showing up and causing a scene. She did that at our wedding.

I would have agreed that she has a right to know but any chance of a replay of what she did at your wedding would be disrespectful and not what you should endure whilst grieving. Use the wedding as an example of why she was not invited if she kicks off afterwards.

jackieblack

If your OH genuinely would not want her there then I think you should respect his wishes, irrelevant of your own feelings

DaftyDuck

glentoran99 wrote: »

I dont think you normally "invite" people to a funeral, people just come

I thought (and may well be wrong) that a wedding had to be open to all-comers, but a funeral could be private...

I'm probably wrong about that ... I am about most things

McKneff

Funerals are not like weddings or parties, you don't 'invite' people.


If he is so adamant he does not want her there, respect his wishes and just let her know.
If she asks about the details, tell her that it was his wish that she didn't attend.

elsien

Although if the funeral is at a crematorium, she could just phone them and ask when it was and turn up anyway.

nearlyrich

You could leave a note of wishes with your wills and then if he did predecease her she would see that it was his wish that she wasn't there not you being nasty. I hope it doesn't come to that and that your dh continues to make a return to full health.

Serendipitious

Perhaps he could prepare some written (and signed) instructions regarding this.

pickledonionspaceraider

I have to add that I do think you are over worrying. If you OH has got better now, don't dwell on what could have been. There is nothing quicker can ruin peace of mind than overthinking stuff

It is a waste of perfectly good energy - that you could spend doing something useful - like gardening

I have learned over the years, most things I build up to be a 'big thing' in my head, turn out to be absolutely nothing at all

catkins

glentoran99 wrote: »

I dont think you normally "invite" people to a funeral, people just come

I know what you mean but you have to tell people about the death and then details of where and when the funeral is to be held so that's kind of inviting them

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I have to add that I do think you are over worrying. If you OH has got better now, don't dwell on what could have been. There is nothing quicker can ruin peace of mind than overthinking stuff

It is a waste of perfectly good energy - that you could spend doing something useful - like gardening

I have learned over the years, most things I build up to be a 'big thing' in my head, turn out to be absolutely nothing at all

Your post really struck a chord with me. I am a big worrier at the best of times and although when OH was first taken ill and then for about the first month after I was calm and organised. I was also just so happy, obviously, that not only was he still with me but that he has not been left with any awful problems. Apart from having to take medication for the rest of his life he is back to normal, back to work etc.


However for the last couple of weeks I am having minor panic attacks. I say minor ones because I suffered from panic attacks about 25 years ago and they were awful. These are not as bad but they are still not nice. I keep waking up in the night feeling sick, heart pounding, sweating etc. I have to check that he is still breathing and ok. Sometimes he has the awful habit of falling asleep on the settee and if he is not next to me in bed, I have to creep downstairs to check his ok, trying not to make the dogs bark in the process.


I am not so bad during the day but then we do keep in contact by phone or text. If he doesn't contact me for a few hours though or is late home I panic.


You are right that I should not be thinking about what might have been. The doctors have said it could happen again but it may well not or, if it does, it could be in 10, 20 or more years.


I agree that I have to use that energy in other ways although I have decided if I still feel this way in say a month I will go to the Dr and see what they say.


I know it sounds silly but we all know one day we and our loved ones are going to die but we just don't really think of it actually happening do we? We had discussed death and we both know the other wants to donate organs if possible and we both want to be cremated so we were never scared to talk about it.


He went to work one morning at 8am and at 9am he was being rushed into hospital. It just brought home to me that things happen literally just like that.


We have always tried not to take each other for granted and tell each other we love them but now it seems even more important.