If OH died should I invite his mum to funeral?

ineed

I'd agree with those saying to leave a note in the will regarding his wishes, hopeful it will never be an issue though.

I wouldn't even tell her personally but that's just because of my personal experiences colouring my judgment.

Primrose

Maybe you could get your husband to write her a letter to be sent to her at the tme of his death (if you fear there is still a risk of this happening) stating that he would not wish her to attend his funeral. However, he should perhaps temper that expressing a wish that now he has departed all the past bitterness should be laid behind them. This way she will know it is not you being personally vindictive and that might help her find a better closure in her ageing years.

Having said that, his mother, being mich older thanhim is probably likely to die first, in which case the issue will not arise .

I suspect the panic attacks are partly due to the fact that your husband's medical emergency caught you completely unprepared and althiugh you coped at the time the reaction afterwards was a sort of post traumatic stress disorder. Although it sounds morbid, could the two of you bring yourselves to sit down and write an action plan out for what needs to be done if it happens again, with detailed funeral arrangements such as hymns, etc. It may be that by confronting this and having a written plan tucked away in a drawer psychologically you would be helped and less likely to panic. You might also become little more acceptive of the possibility of it happening. Sometimes being prepared for the worse and having a plan can reduce the nervous energy you spend fretting about potential disasters when you worry you will freeze and be unable to cope.

Slinky

A funeral can be private. A wedding has to be 'public' in case anybody knows of a legal objection to the couple marrying.


Easiest solution to this problem is don't tell his mother until after the funeral, that he's died.


My Dad didn't want his ex wife turning up at his funeral. We didn't tell anybody any of the details and there was only 3 family members at his funeral which is what he wanted.

fierystormcloud

If he does not want her there, then you can try and make sure she can't come/isn't there.

I don't know how though if you tell his other family members.

He is her son, and the chances are high that she will want to be there, and will be there. Unless you keep the location a secret, and don't tell ANYONE who may tell her.

Georgiegirl256

catkins wrote: »

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I am not so bad during the day but then we do keep in contact by phone or text. If he doesn't contact me for a few hours though or is late home I panic.
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i can totally relate to the above catkins. After my Mam had her 2 heart attacks, I was the same. If I couldn't get hold of either her or my Dad, I would panic. If I knew they were in but they didn't answer the phone, I would panic. Once the phone wasn't working, and over the course of a few hours, I got no reply and got increasingly anxious....I eventually went round to see all was ok.

I think it's only natural, and it's perfectly understandable for you to feel the way you do.

I'm glad to hear your husband is ok and suffered no lasting problems.

Regarding the issue of the topic, I'm torn on this one, I really am. Maybe try and talk this through with him again and if he is adamant about it, then I guess you need to respect his wishes.

no1catman

She may get to hear, but there's no need for you to inform her (or anyone close to her), until after the funeral.


Happened with me - I heard (but couldn't believe it) elsewhere, but my estranged brother didn't tell me of my nephew's passing until after the funeral - and even then he was answering my telephone message querying it!

whitewing

Hopefully it will not be a dilemma that you find yourself in, if his mum goes before him.

I think I'd try and get DH to agree that he trusts you to make the decision at the relevant time, but that he himself does not currently want her there. That way you have something to guide you but you do have the final choice that doesn't go against his wishes.

coolcait

catkins wrote: »

I know what you mean but you have to tell people about the death and then details of where and when the funeral is to be held so that's kind of inviting them

...

Who do you (general 'you') have to tell about a death before the funeral takes place?

It's a serious question.

You have to register the death within a specific timescale.

You have to tell other local or national government agencies - but the 'Tell us Once' service can do that for you. If the funeral is fairly soon after the death, then it might happen before those agencies have been notified of the death.

Mostly we choose to notify people of a death - for many reasons.

If your OH is adamant that he doesn't want certain people to attend the funeral, then he can put it in writing that they are not to be notified of his death until after the funeral takes place (if they are notified at all). And that he does not wish them to attend the funeral if they find out about his death by other means.

That will go a long way towards lessening the risk of those people turning up at the funeral. It will also help you, if you are asked why you haven't told everyone about the death.

You can quite simply say that you are respecting your OH's wishes - on a matter which was so important to him, that he left written instructions on how it was to be dealt with.

It will never be an easy situation, but having something in writing does help make the point that you're doing what your OH wanted.

duchy

Funerals are for the benefit of the living -those who are left behind.

When my Mum died my brother was adamant he didn't want one of our cousins at the funeral. He had good reason to as he had upset my Mum by saying and doing things he had specifically been asked not to do .
My attitude was my Mum had been a part of his life since he was a teenager (he was pushing 50 at the time) and if he wanted to come fine - but my brother was so upset at the thought and at the risk of my cousin been disruptive or tactless and upsetting my brother further I took the view that my brother's wishes came before my cousin's.
I had the uncomfortable task of explaining it to my cousin's brothers and sister (who were attending and welcome) who although they didn't agree with the decision thankfully respected it. We simply didn't tell him where or when it was and put him off with claiming arrangements hadn't been made yet.

It was very uncomfortable and frankly I was less than impressed with my brother for leaving us to deal with it.

Be aware that whatever arrangements you make - there could be a family member who tells your MIL about it anyway and she could turn up.

Hopefully it is a situation you will never have to deal with as it is tricky as people don't always respect the closest family's wishes.

bylromarha

OH hasn't spoken to his dad for 20 years.

Should OH die, his dad would hear about the funeral arrangements as OH is still very close to his dad's siblings.

OH would say that he wouldn't care either way if his dad was there or not as he'd be dead. If his dad decided to come to his funeral, he would quickly see he was not welcomed by all the rest of the guests and I'd be too full of grief to even notice his dad was there.