If OH died should I invite his mum to funeral?

pickledonionspaceraider

catkins wrote: »

Your post really struck a chord with me. I am a big worrier at the best of times and although when OH was first taken ill and then for about the first month after I was calm and organised. I was also just so happy, obviously, that not only was he still with me but that he has not been left with any awful problems. Apart from having to take medication for the rest of his life he is back to normal, back to work etc.


However for the last couple of weeks I am having minor panic attacks. I say minor ones because I suffered from panic attacks about 25 years ago and they were awful. These are not as bad but they are still not nice. I keep waking up in the night feeling sick, heart pounding, sweating etc. I have to check that he is still breathing and ok. Sometimes he has the awful habit of falling asleep on the settee and if he is not next to me in bed, I have to creep downstairs to check his ok, trying not to make the dogs bark in the process.


I am not so bad during the day but then we do keep in contact by phone or text. If he doesn't contact me for a few hours though or is late home I panic.


You are right that I should not be thinking about what might have been. The doctors have said it could happen again but it may well not or, if it does, it could be in 10, 20 or more years.


I agree that I have to use that energy in other ways although I have decided if I still feel this way in say a month I will go to the Dr and see what they say.


I know it sounds silly but we all know one day we and our loved ones are going to die but we just don't really think of it actually happening do we? We had discussed death and we both know the other wants to donate organs if possible and we both want to be cremated so we were never scared to talk about it.


He went to work one morning at 8am and at 9am he was being rushed into hospital. It just brought home to me that things happen literally just like that.


We have always tried not to take each other for granted and tell each other we love them but now it seems even more important.

It sounds like your OH sudden onset of serious illness, has really traumatised you and is causing you massive worry

I used to be a massive worrier to the point it was making me ill. Panic attacks for me, were what made me take a step back and stop over thinking things or dwelling.

A few years ago I was in the depths of panic attacks, I would get them several times a day - and feel as if I was literally dying. ended up having a few weeks off work and on tablets.

Time off work and tablets were not the answer for me and I started looking into mediation and self help

One of my main symptoms of panic attacks was a feeling of being choked by an invisible hand. My throat used to feel like it was closing up. I found that humming loudly or singing (depending on where I am when it happens) helps massively - sounds strange I know, but it relaxes the throat.

I started to train myself to not over think stuff. It is very difficult and I still find myself slipping now. I can still sit in a room alone for ten minutes and end up in tears because of a million reasons but mainly stuff along the lines of what you are fearing. I meditate. It really helps. Things have got massively better and I don't suffer as much, im a much more positive person these days

onlyroz

You don't have to "invite" her, but if she turned up anyway it would be difficult to send her away.

catkins

coolcait wrote: »

Who do you (general 'you') have to tell about a death before the funeral takes place?

It's a serious question.

You have to register the death within a specific timescale.

You have to tell other local or national government agencies - but the 'Tell us Once' service can do that for you. If the funeral is fairly soon after the death, then it might happen before those agencies have been notified of the death.

Mostly we choose to notify people of a death - for many reasons.

If your OH is adamant that he doesn't want certain people to attend the funeral, then he can put it in writing that they are not to be notified of his death until after the funeral takes place (if they are notified at all). And that he does not wish them to attend the funeral if they find out about his death by other means.

That will go a long way towards lessening the risk of those people turning up at the funeral. It will also help you, if you are asked why you haven't told everyone about the death.

You can quite simply say that you are respecting your OH's wishes - on a matter which was so important to him, that he left written instructions on how it was to be dealt with.

It will never be an easy situation, but having something in writing does help make the point that you're doing what your OH wanted.

I think I phrased my post wrongly. I didn't mean that you have to tell people only that in order for people to know about a death they need to be told.


We don't live near any of OH's family and he doesn't have contact with any of them so no one in his family would know about his death just as none of them know he was even ill.


I know a few posters have mentioned that his mum may find out from someone else in the family but, as I say, he has no contact with any of his family so that would not happen

Vikipollard

You raise an interesting question, and one I've considered myself as my OH and his mother are estranged (her choice).

In a row over theft of inheritance money by one of his sisters (A) from his other sister (B), the mother chose to take sides with sister A despite my OH being able to prove the theft and the lies A told. B took the matter to court and won. Their mother has not spoken to B or my OH since.

If OH dies before she does, I will not inform her until after the funeral. Nor will I tell A. I cannot guarantee they will not find out, though, as OH has children from his first marriage and they will tell their mum. Who will no doubt tell his mother and A. Should the mother and A turn up though, I will tell them they are not welcome. It would, after all, be hypocritical for the mother to cut him out of her life then turn up to 'pay respects'. The time for that was while he was alive.

coolcait

catkins wrote: »

I think I phrased my post wrongly. I didn't mean that you have to tell people only that in order for people to know about a death they need to be told.


We don't live near any of OH's family and he doesn't have contact with any of them so no one in his family would know about his death just as none of them know he was even ill.


I know a few posters have mentioned that his mum may find out from someone else in the family but, as I say, he has no contact with any of his family so that would not happen

Exactly.


You could, if you chose, not tell anyone in your OH's family that he had passed away.


If you did choose to tell them, then you can also choose when to tell them.


If that happens to be after the funeral has taken place, then that would help you fulfil your OH's wishes.


However, as others have already said, I hope that you and your OH have many more years together, and that the situation resolves itself naturally.

seven-day-weekend

My mum wanted a friend of mine , a Pastor, to take her funeral as he used to visit her and she really liked him.

I knew my family would take no notice if I told them that (they are all very much anti-religion and my mum wasn't a believer, I am the only believer in my family) so I told her that if that was really her wish, then write a letter and leave it with her will. She did this and her wishes were respected.

I think your husband will have to do the same. Then don't tell his family until a time of your choosing, with the letter to back up that these were his wishes.

However, I hope you have many happy years together!

ronmiel

My grandchildren decided they wanted nothing to do with their father after he was divorced from their mother. They also stopped getting in touch with me and my husband.
My husband had a heart attack and was ill for a while before he died, the grandchildren were informed but they never came to see him so I did not want them to attend his funeral.
We also had several elderly cousins who lived away and would find it difficult to travel to the funeral.
I printed some cards to send them with a message to say that I just wanted them to know that M......... had passed away on ........ and that the funeral took place on ............
The relatives all replied, pleased that I had let them know etc., I heard nothing from the grandchildren.

TBagpuss

whitewing wrote: »

Hopefully it will not be a dilemma that you find yourself in, if his mum goes before him.

I think I'd try and get DH to agree that he trusts you to make the decision at the relevant time, but that he himself does not currently want her there. That way you have something to guide you but you do have the final choice that doesn't go against his wishes.

I think this is very wise advice.

funerals are for the living -if this happens, you OH is going to be beyond caring about what happens, so at that time ou should decide what will be best for you and for any other close family he has - you may, at that point, feel that you would (however unreasonably!) feel guilty if you didn't give his mother the opportunity to attend his funeral, and therefore wish to let her know so she can attend.
You may (if he has children or siblings) find that they have very strong views about her being told, and that you want to let her come for their sakes.
Or you may find yourself in a situation where (for instnace) he has reconciled with her up to a point but she has been so unplesant to you that you can't face her being there.
If he is able to agree with you that you are to exercise your hjudgment then you will be able to make the chpice which is right for you *at the time*, without worrying that you may end up breaking a promise to him.

as an aside - are you and he married, and do you have wills? If you are not married and don't have wills then she may be his next of kin and and it could be her, not you, who would have the right to make funeral arrangments! Since you mention having discussed things I'm guessing you do have wills in place, but am just mentioning it in case you don't!

catkins

TBagpuss wrote: »

I think this is very wise advice.

funerals are for the living -if this happens, you OH is going to be beyond caring about what happens, so at that time ou should decide what will be best for you and for any other close family he has - you may, at that point, feel that you would (however unreasonably!) feel guilty if you didn't give his mother the opportunity to attend his funeral, and therefore wish to let her know so she can attend.
You may (if he has children or siblings) find that they have very strong views about her being told, and that you want to let her come for their sakes.
Or you may find yourself in a situation where (for instnace) he has reconciled with her up to a point but she has been so unplesant to you that you can't face her being there.
If he is able to agree with you that you are to exercise your hjudgment then you will be able to make the chpice which is right for you *at the time*, without worrying that you may end up breaking a promise to him.

as an aside - are you and he married, and do you have wills? If you are not married and don't have wills then she may be his next of kin and and it could be her, not you, who would have the right to make funeral arrangments! Since you mention having discussed things I'm guessing you do have wills in place, but am just mentioning it in case you don't!

Yes we are married and do have wills although they don't mention about funeral arrangements.


We don't have any children. OH has a sister but they don't get on. Apart from at their dad's funeral, they haven't spoken for probably 30 years. Not sure that she would want to come. We weren't invited to her wedding which was about 28 years ago

sheramber

What is more important to you

respecting your husband's wishes or notifying your husband's mother so she can choose to attend the funeral?

Personally, I would respect my husband's wishes and tell her after the event.