Social situations - is it me?

mollsnan

Squirrelchops, definitely not you. As my brother-in-law once told my sister and I when talking about the same thing, "the thing is everybody's not like you, won't treat you the same way you treat them, and are just full of themselves". Sad but true.

gabriel1980

I don't think it's anything to do with the holiday you chose, you get self-absorbed people all over the place, on holiday, at work, in any bar or restaurant. Most people don't even know they are doing it!

melanzana

I'm the same. I cannot do small talk, but then I am an introvert by personality type. Small talk and large busy groups exhaust me, the effort, oh the effort! But I do it, in small doses.

Susan Cain did a fantastic talk on TED about how the world needs so many MORE introverts. They actually enjoy life to the full, and get a lot done in the QUIET! Very creative people and those in IT development are generally introverts.

Extroverts on the other hand need small talk and lots of noise and activity to flourish.

So a clash of these two types is always going to be problematic.

That is why I dislike weddings for example, unless they are very close family or friends. The thought of sitting at a table with people I don't know and having to make small talk for hours fills me with dread. So I don't go anymore. Anyway, the weddings we are invited to now are all second degree relatives, the next generation...so no worries, a polite note and a pressie and all is well. They wouldn't even miss me anyway I think!

A cruise is another thing that I haven't done yet. I feel, rightly or wrongly that I will be stuck with the same people for days on end, with no way of escaping the people who are extroverts. Although I reckon I could do it by just being me, and doing my own thing! Still a little hesitant though.

My OH is very like me, a bit more gregarious, but we like the same things.

BTW I am not a mouse, I am great fun and enjoy life immensely. I have the maturity now to do it on my own terms and I am very happy to have found my way.

Very interesting thread.

Indie_Kid

squirrelchops wrote: »

I also like to play the 'who will break the silence' game. Some people cannot cope with silence, they have to fill it even if it means coming out with something inane.

I used to know someone like this. He'd only talk about work, his girlfriend and kids. Yawn. I sometimes sat there thinking please just shut up!

Person_one

melanzana wrote: »

I'm the same. I cannot do small talk, but then I am an introvert by personality type. Small talk and large busy groups exhaust me, the effort, oh the effort! But I do it, in small doses.

Susan Cain did a fantastic talk on TED about how the world needs so many MORE introverts. They actually enjoy life to the full, and get a lot done in the QUIET! Very creative people and those in IT development are generally introverts.

Extroverts on the other hand need small talk and lots of noise and activity to flourish.

So a clash of these two types is always going to be problematic.

I've never really bought into the idea that everybody can be divided into those two types. I think its more likely that everybody is on a spectrum, and that different people feel more or less sociable/outgoing in different situations.

melanzana

Person_one wrote: »

I've never really bought into the idea that everybody can be divided into those two types. I think its more likely that everybody is on a spectrum, and that different people feel more or less sociable/outgoing in different situations.

I think that was my point. I can enjoy myself immensely in certain situations (where I know people well, and do not have to talk forever in a "small talk" mode). Whereas, I am the life of the party with people I know well and we jog along.

It is to a great extent a personality thing. I CAN make small talk with people I don't know, and it's fine, but not for long at all! Whereas others can talk forever about anything and everything. Each to their own I suppose.

squirrelchops

I accept some people are chatty, others are more quiet but for me the nub was people having either no social skills and/or self awareness that they didn't ask one thing about my OH or I. It just made me feel that I was valueless, as is they had already decided that nothing I had to say was of interest so therefore why did they bother talking to me in the first place?

I have been misunderstood during periods of my life hence it is really important to me that people understand me when I do speak up. Growing up I witnessed 'odd' adult behaviour but when I did speak up to challenge it I was told 'it's all in your head' hence it took a long time (and therapy) for me to get to a point where I can trust my feelings in situations.

I am reflective enough to know that my holiday encounter has tapped in to these feelings and made me insecure - I am not sure why it hit me out of the blue like this though.

I think it is because as far as I have come in managing people, I am not all the way yet and this behaviour on holiday threw me! Thinking back they could have talked about all manner of interesting things - I would have loved to have heard about Cancun (even if they didn't enjoy it) or Cuba instead the highlights I got was the fricking Dreamliner and how they got transported to breakfast in a golf buggy as it had been raining so much oh and also how !!!!!! she gets all the time with her mate.

Why didn't I just walk away? That is the real question isn't it!!!?

I definitely think there was something else going on as they commented on social class and people querying if they were in premium for Dreamliner, then they made another comment of 'we speak as we find' then finally a comment on accent with reference to my accent and that where they live she is 'considered posh'. Was I the unknowing victim of class snobbery in some way based on the fact I don't have a regional accent - I don't have a well spoken accent particularly just having lived all over I have nothing discernible to one area?

Like others have said in small close friendship group situations I will talk away. My friend and I have a girly weekend away every year and I come back so hoarse from all the talking but that is because I am interested in her and vice versa.

busiscoming2

I'm glad I found this thread as I seem to attract the people that just witter on about themselves and the lives of people they know. I love to talk but know how boring it is listening to other people's drivel and consequently keep my opinions and personal feelings to myself. If I do talk about me I try to be concise and am constantly thinking 'will this person actually be interested in what I say'.

Petra_70

Pollycat wrote: »

The people you describe are just selfish, self-absorbed people.

They probably latched onto you because everybody else gave them a wide berth.

To continually talk about yourself and to turn the conversation back to yourself at every opportunity is very boring for other people.

It's not you.

Person_one wrote: »

Of course its not you. That couple were boors, sadly you can meet them anywhere!

gabriel1980 wrote: »

I don't think it's anything to do with the holiday you chose, you get self-absorbed people all over the place, on holiday, at work, in any bar or restaurant. Most people don't even know they are doing it!

These 3 ^^^

Awww bless you squirrel chops! :rotfl:

You are not alone sweetie. I have lost count of the amount of people like this. Annoying, self absorbed 'me me me' types who think only THEY are interesting, and only THEIR lives are interesting. These are usually the same ones who have always travelled to 10 more countries than you, whose children are child prodigies, whose house is worth half a million, when they only paid 50 grand for it, and who have met loads of famous people, and the Queen, and are BFFs with the Mayor . :rotfl:

Such annoying self absorbed boring insecure people.

I know personally right now, a couple exactly like this... SHE is the worst. She can't stop telling everyone that she has been to PROVENCE (she pronounces it 'pro-vooooonsss.' ) and she talks continually about the 5 bed house she and her other half have (although she rarely mentions the £300K mortgage they have with it,) and she tells the world and his wife that she has had the vicar for tea several times. *insert rolleyes smiley here*

But if we try and talk about anything, you can see her eyes darting from side to side, as she is trying to think of the next thing to say about HER, because she is only interested in HER. I find it very annoying talking to people like this.

I think the more people prattle on and boast about their amazing lives, the less they actually have in them.

skattykatty

Reading your last post squirrel chops, I think what you were faced with was someone who made assumptions about you,due to your standardised accent, and then tried to 'best' you-look how much money we have, look at the holidays we go on, look at where we live! They didn't give you space because then they might have found out you were 'better' then them. It's not to say anyone is better than another, just that often people are so insecure about themselves they have to compare and contrast relentlessly to make them feel better. It's kind of sad really. It's really not you, IT IS them!

Also, in developing your ability to just 'be', you will come across as more together, which I think can be a threat to some people. Whatever you've experienced in the past, however much therapy you have had, you will still get catapulted back to some difficult feelings. BUT the key is that you are aware of this and don't blindly lash out at others or yourself about it. What a wonderful life skill, which will make you a lovely person to have a chinwag with. Proof-look at all the thoughtful, apt response on this thread.