Social situations - is it me?

squirrelchops · 23 September 2015 at 11:35AM

Jackyann - I had just edited my post and put that in! Great minds and all that.

fairy_lights · 23 September 2015 at 11:36AM

I think some people are just more 'talkers' than 'questioners'. I've noticed that my family and my OH's family are massively different in this respect - if we visit my parents they will ask us lots of questions about how things are going, what we've been up to, what we thought of that film we went to see etc, but when we visit OH's parents they rarely ask anything at all but will talk at great length about things they have been doing. We don't even need to ask questions to get them started, they just talk.
It took me a while to get used to but now if I want to talk about something I don't wait to be asked, I just start talking like they do. I think it's just the different conversational styles people have.

squirrelchops · 23 September 2015 at 11:39AM

Yes fairy lights I know what you mean.
When I go to see my Mum sometimes she will just talk at me. OH first noticed it and it is as if she is so focused on saying what she wants to that she has to get it out and nothing is going to detract her from that!

I recently moved to Wales as my OH is from there. It has taken me some time to get used to the talk talk talking! Don't get me wrong everyone has been really friendly but jeez can they talk.

My OH calls this 'jibber jabber' which I am guilty of too sometimes but the difference between this and my holiday experience was that this was totally one sided. This one lady told me all about her mate, going out and getting drunk and all the times the two of them have got bladdered etc etc etc. Even worse- talking about people you don't know from Adam!!!

Person_one · 23 September 2015 at 11:46AM

squirrelchops wrote: »

I work in a busy people focused environment undertaking assessments hence I am always asking people about their lives and eliciting information. Therefore outside of work I like to have quite a quiet life but enjoy spending time with friends...quality time though!

Ah, you're a good listener probably. You'll be giving off unconscious signals that you are and people will feel an urge to open up to you and tell you their life stories!

Sorry, I don't know how to turn that off, but its still not your fault when people are ignorant and rude.

Person_one · 23 September 2015 at 11:48AM

Pollycat wrote: »

I agree. And bores too.

I dread getting stuck with someone like that in a captive situation such as on a flight or train journey where it's not easy to walk away.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/boor

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bore?s=t

Both apply I suppose!

squirrelchops · 23 September 2015 at 11:49AM

Person_one thank you that is kind. I think I should go the whole hog and conduct future holiday conversations on the TED principles - Tell me, Explain to me or Describe to me and see what happens!!

squirrelchops · 23 September 2015 at 11:50AM

A boorish bore maybe??

skattykatty · 23 September 2015 at 12:05PM

Would you want to open up about your life to those people you met on holiday? I am also on the 'reserved' side, but do open up with people who come across as sharing, caring, listening types, with whom I would have a dialogue. I wouldn't want to share anything about my life with the people you describe, so I would ask questions and listen and keep them away from me! I think people can pick up on this and respond accordingly.

Also, generally, people try to find points of comparison with others, as if only if we share something in common (beyond our humanity!!!) can we actually have a conversation or connection. So, some women with children (definitely not all) just cannot find a point of connection with women who don't have children (I don't have children by the way and have been in the situation you describe)

Oh and I don't think there is anything you need to change. Why would you? Clearly you do connect with people in some contexts. I think this is a question those of us who do tend to 'keep ourselves to ourselves' tend to grapple with: am I socially inept? We look around and think all those people gabbing away happily ARE actually gabbing away happily and socially functional!!! But we have no idea...as you found out on holiday!!! Chatting away can itself be socially inept. BE YOU.

squirrelchops · 23 September 2015 at 12:18PM

Thank you Skatty Katty.

Over the years I have worked to be more 'still' in myself if that makes sense. For example, if I am in a bar or restaurant and OH goes to the toilet or I'm waiting for him to arrive I practise waiting with no 'aids'. By that I mean no getting out my phone/book/reading the menu. Just learning to sit quietly and be content in my own presence.

It is fascinating if you watch people on their own. I observed a woman in a bar recently and she was not still for more than a couple of seconds. Constantly sipping her wine, fiddling with phone, leafing through her book, looking in her bag as if sitting quietly would alert everyone to the fact she was on her own.

I therefore suppose it is the same with conversation. I don't feel the need to 'show all my cards' to someone else. I am happy to listen and ask questions and to open my mouth when it is relevant not to fill the space.

I also like to play the 'who will break the silence' game. Some people cannot cope with silence, they have to fill it even if it means coming out with something inane.