Divorce Advice

Pixie5740

mjkyorkshire1 wrote: »

For Xmas my suggestion was that because my mum & dad do a little thing on Xmas Eve, they could be with me for that and the morning of the 25th, then back to her for Xmas Day afternoon and overnight. Then I'd have them after Boxing Day footy through to the 27th (mum & dad's anniversary). But she's adamant that they come home at bedtime on the 24th and I get them from 5pm on Xmas Day. She said that the girls suggested the current arrangement to her off their own back, and we shouldn't change the arrangements because it's not fair. Or words to that effect!!

To be honest, her suggestion about how to split the time over Christmas isn't particularly unreasonable. Doing it your way you will have your children Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning, Boxing Day and the 27th, leaving her with just 1 day at best. At least with her suggestion you still get to do the thing with your parents on Christmas Eve because the children don't go back to her until bed time and you both get to see the children on Christmas Day. There are many NRP who would give their right arm for such an arrangement.

mjkyorkshire1

Pixie5740 wrote: »

To be honest, her suggestion about how to split the time over Christmas isn't particularly unreasonable. Doing it your way you will have your children Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning, Boxing Day and the 27th, leaving her with just 1 day at best. At least with her suggestion you still get to do the thing with your parents on Christmas Eve because the children don't go back to her until bed time and you both get to see the children on Christmas Day. There are many NRP who would give their right arm for such an arrangement.

I agree, I was thinking about this after the fact and it works out well for me, especially after I get my own place. It means I can spend the morning preparing for their arrival, whereas my ex will have a rushed morning with them of presents then getting ready for Xmas dinner, and then getting them ready to come to me. A small but happy victory for me.

aaa13ljsldjfldskj

I'm sure that this has been mentioned - forgive me if it has....

if the credit cards are in just one person's name, the debt is theirs.

when I got divorced the cc debt was a jointly spent but she walked away from it and left me to it.

mjkyorkshire1

aaa13ljsldjfldskj wrote: »

I'm sure that this has been mentioned - forgive me if it has....

if the credit cards are in just one person's name, the debt is theirs.

when I got divorced the cc debt was a jointly spent but she walked away from it and left me to it.

Yep, solicitors have told me that. I'm expecting the worst unfortunately. I never signed up for balance transfer cards with the assumption that we may one day split up, it was just done for the benefit of the family at a time when we needed it.
I'm hoping the mediator can sway her towards a slightly fairer settlement, but everything seems very much stacked in her favour, and for no apparent good reason.
I do wonder if it counts for anything that for around the first 10 years of us being together my wage was almost double hers and it all went into the family pot, I'm guessing that counts for nothing either.

Guest101

aaa13ljsldjfldskj wrote: »

I'm sure that this has been mentioned - forgive me if it has....

if the credit cards are in just one person's name, the debt is theirs.

when I got divorced the cc debt was a jointly spent but she walked away from it and left me to it.

Perhaps you needed a better solicitor.


Debt is joint (legal liability for the credit provider remains the person named)


However a court can account for this debt when considering financial split.


So your post is wrong. But said which such conviction that others will now doubt their position.


Well done....

Guest101

mjkyorkshire1 wrote: »

Yep, solicitors have told me that. I'm expecting the worst unfortunately. I never signed up for balance transfer cards with the assumption that we may one day split up, it was just done for the benefit of the family at a time when we needed it.
I'm hoping the mediator can sway her towards a slightly fairer settlement, but everything seems very much stacked in her favour, and for no apparent good reason.
I do wonder if it counts for anything that for around the first 10 years of us being together my wage was almost double hers and it all went into the family pot, I'm guessing that counts for nothing either.

Well get a better f'ing solicitor.


The legal liability to the provider is yours.


But the debt is used in calculating financial split.

tiger_eyes

mjkyorkshire1 wrote: »

I do wonder if it counts for anything that for around the first 10 years of us being together my wage was almost double hers and it all went into the family pot, I'm guessing that counts for nothing either.

I don't think this kind of thinking will help you. You made joint decisions as a family. You both contributed in your own way. Your roles were different, but that doesn't necessarily mean they were unequal or exploitative. You and your wife can't possibly make 100% identical contributions to the family unless you not only earn the same down to the penny, but work the same hours, do the same caregiving for the children, split each household chore, spend the exact same amount of money, etc. If both you and your wife start to feel you've been exploited going right back to the start of the marriage, this situation is going to be a scorched-earth wasteland. You have many years of co-parenting ahead of you. Treading lightly now will benefit you in the future.

mjkyorkshire1

tiger_eyes wrote: »

I don't think this kind of thinking will help you. You made joint decisions as a family. You both contributed in your own way. Your roles were different, but that doesn't necessarily mean they were unequal or exploitative. You and your wife can't possibly make 100% identical contributions to the family unless you not only earn the same down to the penny, but work the same hours, do the same caregiving for the children, split each household chore, spend the exact same amount of money, etc. If both you and your wife start to feel you've been exploited going right back to the start of the marriage, this situation is going to be a scorched-earth wasteland. You have many years of co-parenting ahead of you. Treading lightly now will benefit you in the future.

I agree, I guess I'm just looking for my own silver lining when I feel like I'm being dumped on. It's more a point that up until August this year everything I did was in good faith for the benefit of the family, and now it feels as though it's being exploited. And for no good reason other than it can be.

tiger_eyes

mjkyorkshire1 wrote: »

I agree, I guess I'm just looking for my own silver lining when I feel like I'm being dumped on. It's more a point that up until August this year everything I did was in good faith for the benefit of the family, and now it feels as though it's being exploited. And for no good reason other than it can be.

I hear you. This must be very difficult. You have a joint mortgage and young children together, so it's going to stay messy and complicated for a while. But one day your children will be grown up, you'll have the close relationship with them that you worked hard for, all ties with your ex-wife will be cut, and you can delete her number and forget she exists (or she might have redeemed herself by then). They say living well is the best revenge.

mjkyorkshire1

Yes, I'm preparing my self for a hard time short term, but I have a decent enough support network to get through it and come out the other side in one piece. I guess for me it's just patience and time.
I just have to hope my parents don't decide to sell up and downsize too soon.
The hardest thing is I just don't understand the aggressive approach to the split, we just don't love each other any more, simple as that.