Divorce Advice

gonzo127

mjkyorkshire1 wrote: »

So I start mediation with my wife next week, firstly has anyone got any quick tips to get me out the other side of it in a sane manner?
I see it as being a quite straight forward process, but then again I'm a man, and a project manager, but from my wife there seems to be a theme of "entitlement", wanting to stay in the house, avoiding the shared marital debt and general guilt-tripping. I'm not saying that's her thought process (because she's not saying a lot), but that's how I interpret the tone of her e-mails. What started out as an agreement that we would discuss things like Xmas has turned into me being informed of what the girls told her they wanted to do, without even speaking to me.

She's also started seeing her ex-boyfriend, who now sleeps over in the house I still own, and I don't know what, if anything, I can do with that information?

no advice on how to come out of it still sane, as i am in a similar place as my ex wants to keep all the equity in the house, and for me to take all the debt, and will not discus anything, because 'i walked out on her', anyways all i can say in this is keep your cool, do not respond in anger, and hopefully mediation can allow you to come to a compromise in regards to the split

as to Christmas etc, being devils advocate here, IF your children have told their mum that they want to do Christmas in a certain way in regards to see you and seeing her, and if you was the resident parent, would you FORCE the kids to do something different, or would you inform the non resident parent of what has been asked for in regards to those arrangements

mjkyorkshire1

I guess for me it's more a case of whether she actually asked them, or how much she led them towards an option that better suits her. When I spoke to them about it later my eldest seemed surprised by what the arrangement was. It was also my understanding that the adults would discuss it first, but that doesn't seem to have happened.
I'm certainly going to try and keep calm, I suppose it depends on how reasonable and practical she is in a way. She certainly behaving as though I beat her up while sleeping with her two best friends, rather than her just not loving me anymore.

gonzo127

mjkyorkshire1 wrote: »

I guess for me it's more a case of whether she actually asked them, or how much she led them towards an option that better suits her. When I spoke to them about it later my eldest seemed surprised by what the arrangement was. It was also my understanding that the adults would discuss it first, but that doesn't seem to have happened.
I'm certainly going to try and keep calm, I suppose it depends on how reasonable and practical she is in a way. She certainly behaving as though I beat her up while sleeping with her two best friends, rather than her just not loving me anymore.

it's always easier to blame the other person than accept responsibility for your own part, as far as my ex is concerned, and so all her/our friends have been told by her, the entire breakdown of the marriage was my fault, because i didnt do this or do that etc etc, but try to leave reasons behind if you can as it helps YOU be objective.

as to the if your daughters had been asked or coerced, might it be easier to ask them directly how they would like to split their time between their mum and you (if they are old enough of course), also have you considered suggesting other arrangmenets? just to see what she says about it.

being nosey, what has been suggested about it,

for example when i have been speaking to my ex i have suggested two options that i would be happy with, from her point of view it could seem like i am dictating what will happen and being unreasonable, whereas i am trying to suggest something i think is reasonable, with my suggestions being, for me to go over on Christmas morning and see her open the presents then leave and then have her all day boxing day (not an option for some parents granted), or pick her up late afternoon christmas day and have her overnight on christmas night - to me these options seem reasonable as it means i will get to see her on Christmas day and on Boxing day, and so will her mum, BUT my ex might see it differently, and probably does, but as i see it, she is more than capable of suggesting a different option.

mjkyorkshire1

gonzo127 wrote: »

it's always easier to blame the other person than accept responsibility for your own part, as far as my ex is concerned, and so all her/our friends have been told by her, the entire breakdown of the marriage was my fault, because i didnt do this or do that etc etc, but try to leave reasons behind if you can as it helps YOU be objective.

as to the if your daughters had been asked or coerced, might it be easier to ask them directly how they would like to split their time between their mum and you (if they are old enough of course), also have you considered suggesting other arrangmenets? just to see what she says about it.

being nosey, what has been suggested about it,

for example when i have been speaking to my ex i have suggested two options that i would be happy with, from her point of view it could seem like i am dictating what will happen and being unreasonable, whereas i am trying to suggest something i think is reasonable, with my suggestions being, for me to go over on Christmas morning and see her open the presents then leave and then have her all day boxing day (not an option for some parents granted), or pick her up late afternoon christmas day and have her overnight on christmas night - to me these options seem reasonable as it means i will get to see her on Christmas day and on Boxing day, and so will her mum, BUT my ex might see it differently, and probably does, but as i see it, she is more than capable of suggesting a different option.

Yes, it was definitely all my fault, my depression was too much for her to deal with apparently. But counselling has opened my eyes to that not necessarily being the case!!

For Xmas my suggestion was that because my mum & dad do a little thing on Xmas Eve, they could be with me for that and the morning of the 25th, then back to her for Xmas Day afternoon and overnight. Then I'd have them after Boxing Day footy through to the 27th (mum & dad's anniversary). But she's adamant that they come home at bedtime on the 24th and I get them from 5pm on Xmas Day. She said that the girls suggested the current arrangement to her off their own back, and we shouldn't change the arrangements because it's not fair. Or words to that effect!!

Aside from Xmas arrangements I'm trying to remain objective, I know what is expected of me legally, and what the law says about marital debts etc. If it comes to it we'll have to battle it out with solicitors, but hopefully she'll see the sense in a quick and calmer approach through mediation, especially as she wants it over and done with ASAP.

brenda10

Unfortunately you are getting a glimpse of what is coming your way, the wording you use like 'guilt tripping', make sure you are treated fairly as unfortunately you may come out not as well as your partner. Make sure you have equal time with your children otherwise partner gets bigger amount of monies!
Get advice from a solicitor, your partner has done so already, don't let anyone make you feel guilt tripped, I am sure you are a wonderful Daddy. Good Luck.

brenda10

mjkyorkshire1 wrote: »

I guess for me it's more a case of whether she actually asked them, or how much she led them towards an option that better suits her. When I spoke to them about it later my eldest seemed surprised by what the arrangement was. It was also my understanding that the adults would discuss it first, but that doesn't seem to have happened.
I'm certainly going to try and keep calm, I suppose it depends on how reasonable and practical she is in a way. She certainly behaving as though I beat her up while sleeping with her two best friends, rather than her just not loving me anymore.

Seems like the mother is trying to get things sorted out as quickly as possibly to what best suits her, your children have obviously not been made aware of the plans mother has for them, if they are at an age of understanding aske them how they would feel if they were mum for whatever time she has suggested! She seems pretty clever, BEWARE!!

brenda10

mjkyorkshire1 wrote: »

I guess for me it's more a case of whether she actually asked them, or how much she led them towards an option that better suits her. When I spoke to them about it later my eldest seemed surprised by what the arrangement was. It was also my understanding that the adults would discuss it first, but that doesn't seem to have happened.
I'm certainly going to try and keep calm, I suppose it depends on how reasonable and practical she is in a way. She certainly behaving as though I beat her up while sleeping with her two best friends, rather than her just not loving me anymore.

Alarm bells are ringing....Beware!!

Guest101

C100(C1 if necessary) court ordered child arrangement.

justme111

It does look like a beginning of a long difficult road. Where you will find out many things and see ex differently.
That's the point , she is likely to be entitled to more than you two discussed and agreed as fair. So say bye to what you discussed and agreed. Don't get angry with her either for that- she may see herself like being taken for a mug if you try to persuade her to forgo what she could have .
I reckon many hours of educating yourself about possible post separation scenarios, laws and children issues are needed as well as some sedative homeopatic medicines.

anna_1977

Hi, as other people have mentioned I would definitely seek some legal advice. I did my own divorce paperwork and sending to the courts but did use a solicitor for the financial arrangement.
Don't forget your child maintenance payments will be less if you have the kids a lot. I would suggest getting a financial order in place as soon as you can.
She will be able to claim tax credits and they don't take your maintenance payments into consideration.